Is the following figure at all possible?
Are the red lines parallel, or do they bulge in or out?
Are the center orange circles the same size?
Are the four concentric circles (made of little squares), truly circles?
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Illusions 5
Do you see a young girl, or an old hag?
Is the following figure at all possible?
Are the red lines parallel, or do they bulge in or out?
Are the center orange circles the same size?
Are the four concentric circles (made of little squares), truly circles?
Is the following figure at all possible?
Are the red lines parallel, or do they bulge in or out?Are the center orange circles the same size?
Are the four concentric circles (made of little squares), truly circles?
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Canadian Passport Application
Actual letter to the Canadian Passport office
Dear Mr. Minister, I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a t.v. cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date. For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?
My birth date you have on my social insurance card, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight goddamn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!
SHIT! I apologize, Mr. Minister. I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my fuckin' address. What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthal assholes workin' there! Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!
Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another fuckin' copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60!!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the fuckin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some asshole to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (fuckin' morons) Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off!
Signed - An Irate fucking Canadian Citizen.
P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 when one of my forefathers took up arms against the Americans.
I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the yingyang. I was aide de camp to the lieutenant governor of our province for ten years and I have been doing volunteer work for the RCMP for about five years. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST FUCKING CHINA !!!!!!!
Dear Mr. Minister, I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a t.v. cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date. For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?
My birth date you have on my social insurance card, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight goddamn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!
SHIT! I apologize, Mr. Minister. I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my fuckin' address. What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthal assholes workin' there! Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!
Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another fuckin' copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60!!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the fuckin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some asshole to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (fuckin' morons) Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off!
Signed - An Irate fucking Canadian Citizen.
P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 when one of my forefathers took up arms against the Americans.
I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the yingyang. I was aide de camp to the lieutenant governor of our province for ten years and I have been doing volunteer work for the RCMP for about five years. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST FUCKING CHINA !!!!!!!
Monday, November 1, 2010
Fifty Years of Mathematics in Education (USA)
Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 but I was digging around in my pockets and found 8 cents and handed it to her. She stood there like a deer in headlights looking at the 8 cents in one hand and at the screen of the cash register.
I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her just to give me 2 quarters back and we'd be even, but she felt it necessary to call the manager for help. While he tried in vain to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and slowly started crying.
Why do I tell you such a pitiful tale? It is because of the sad state of math education which has overtaken our schools since the 1950s.
1. Teaching math in the 1950s
A logger sells a truckload of wood for $100. His cost of production was 4/5ths of the selling price. What is his profit?
2. Teaching math in the 1960s
A logger sells a truckload of firewood for $100. His cost of production is 4/5ths of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
3. Teaching math in the 1970s
A logger sells a truckload of firewood for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
4. Teaching math in the 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of firewood for $100. His cost of production is $80, so his profit was $20. Your assignment:- underline the number 20.
5. Teaching math in the 1990s
A logger cuts down a beautiful fir tree in a forest because he is a greedy, inconsiderate conservative who cares nothing about the habitat of animals or the preservation of our glorious woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topics for class discussion - how did the birds and squirrels feel as the evil logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's OK to do so.)
6. Teaching math in the 2000s
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?
I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her just to give me 2 quarters back and we'd be even, but she felt it necessary to call the manager for help. While he tried in vain to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and slowly started crying.
Why do I tell you such a pitiful tale? It is because of the sad state of math education which has overtaken our schools since the 1950s.
1. Teaching math in the 1950s
A logger sells a truckload of wood for $100. His cost of production was 4/5ths of the selling price. What is his profit?
2. Teaching math in the 1960s
A logger sells a truckload of firewood for $100. His cost of production is 4/5ths of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
3. Teaching math in the 1970s
A logger sells a truckload of firewood for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
4. Teaching math in the 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of firewood for $100. His cost of production is $80, so his profit was $20. Your assignment:- underline the number 20.
5. Teaching math in the 1990s
A logger cuts down a beautiful fir tree in a forest because he is a greedy, inconsiderate conservative who cares nothing about the habitat of animals or the preservation of our glorious woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topics for class discussion - how did the birds and squirrels feel as the evil logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's OK to do so.)
6. Teaching math in the 2000s
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Definitive Proof of Global Warming
I've always thought AGW (Anthropogenic Global warming) was little more than a scam propagated on the populace of the prosperous countries by snake-0il salesmen such as Al Gore.
The following photo, however, might be the ultimate proof of its existence...
The following photo, however, might be the ultimate proof of its existence...
Friday, October 22, 2010
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Wacky Wordies #2
As before, visitors who wish to try these are encouraged to leave your solutions in the Comment section; those who prefer to ask for a specific item can email puzzlist.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Monday, October 4, 2010
Wacky Wordies #1
I used to love doing these about 25 years ago, but haven't seen any recently. Since I'm bored, I'll start us off with the first batch of four, maybe another, and welcome you to post the answers to each in the comments section, or email me for solutions to the ones which escape you. Let's call this first post "Wacky Wordies #1
(Each can be enlarged by clicking the mouse button on the picture.)
OK, those were pretty easy and I'm sure none took you more than a few minutes to figure out; so here are the next four:
(Each can be enlarged by clicking the mouse button on the picture.)
OK, those were pretty easy and I'm sure none took you more than a few minutes to figure out; so here are the next four:
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Illusions 3
Which line is longer, the horizontal or the vertical?
Are any of the CENTRAL line segments in the five lines below parallel?
Which of the two horizontal lines is longer?
Which of the horizontal lines in the 2 arrows is longer?
Does the dot on the horizontal part of the arrow sit closer to the head, or the tail of the arrow?
Are the diagonal lines parallel to each other or continuous?
Are any of the long diagonal lines parallel to each other?
Is the inner circle of the group at right bigger, smaller, or the same size as the inner circle of the left group?
Is the outer circle in the left tube smaller, bigger, or the same size as the inner circle on the right tube?
Are any of the CENTRAL line segments in the five lines below parallel?
Which of the two horizontal lines is longer?
Which of the horizontal lines in the 2 arrows is longer?
Does the dot on the horizontal part of the arrow sit closer to the head, or the tail of the arrow?
Are the diagonal lines parallel to each other or continuous?
Are any of the long diagonal lines parallel to each other?
Is the inner circle of the group at right bigger, smaller, or the same size as the inner circle of the left group?
Is the outer circle in the left tube smaller, bigger, or the same size as the inner circle on the right tube?
Monday, September 27, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Teachers 'n Cops
These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig..
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5.. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12.. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers.
The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
16. 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'
15. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'
14. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'
13. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'
12. 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you..'
11. 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'
10. 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'
9. 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.. '
8. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'
7. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'
6. 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'
5. 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'
4. 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'
3. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'
2. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'
AND THE WINNER IS...
1. 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't... Sign here.'
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig..
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5.. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12.. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers.
The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
16. 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'
15. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'
14. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'
13. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'
12. 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you..'
11. 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'
10. 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'
9. 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.. '
8. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'
7. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'
6. 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'
5. 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'
4. 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'
3. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'
2. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'
AND THE WINNER IS...
1. 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't... Sign here.'
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Jeff Foxworthy's Concept of a Taliban
| "YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..." |
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Letter to President Obama
Dear Mr. President:
I'm planning to move my family and extended family into Mexico for my health, and I would like to ask you to assist me.
We're planning to simply walk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico , and we'll need your help to make a few arrangements.
We plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws.
I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here. So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Calderon, that I'm on my way over?
Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:
1. Free medical care for my entire family.
2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.
3. Please print all Mexican government forms in English.
4. I want my grandkids to be taught Spanish by English-speaking (bi-lingual) teachers.
5. Tell their schools they need to include classes on American culture and history.
6. I want my grandkids to see the American flag on one of the flag poles at their school.
7. Please plan to feed my grandkids at school for both breakfast and lunch.
8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.
9. I do plan to get a car and drive in Mexico but I don't plan to purchase car insurance, and I probably won't make any special effort to learn local traffic laws.
10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from their president to leave me alone, please be sure that every patrol car has at least one English-speaking officer.
11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my house top, put U. S. flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.
12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, or have any labor or tax laws enforced on any business I may start.
13. Please have the president tell all the Mexican people to be extremely nice and never say critical things about me or my family, or about the strain we might place on their economy.
14. I want to receive free food stamps.
15. Naturally, I'll expect free rent subsidies.
16. I'll need Income tax credits so although I don't pay Mexican Taxes, I'll receive money from the government.
17. Please arrange it so that the Mexican Gov't pays $4,500 to help me buy a new car.
18. Oh yes, I almost forgot, please enroll me free into the Mexican Social Security program so that I'll get a monthly income in retirement.
I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for all his people who walk over to the U.S. from Mexico . I am sure that President Calderon won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely.
Thank you so much for your kind help. You're the man!!!
I'm planning to move my family and extended family into Mexico for my health, and I would like to ask you to assist me.
We're planning to simply walk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico , and we'll need your help to make a few arrangements.
We plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws.
I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here. So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Calderon, that I'm on my way over?
Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:
1. Free medical care for my entire family.
2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.
3. Please print all Mexican government forms in English.
4. I want my grandkids to be taught Spanish by English-speaking (bi-lingual) teachers.
5. Tell their schools they need to include classes on American culture and history.
6. I want my grandkids to see the American flag on one of the flag poles at their school.
7. Please plan to feed my grandkids at school for both breakfast and lunch.
8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.
9. I do plan to get a car and drive in Mexico but I don't plan to purchase car insurance, and I probably won't make any special effort to learn local traffic laws.
10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from their president to leave me alone, please be sure that every patrol car has at least one English-speaking officer.
11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my house top, put U. S. flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.
12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, or have any labor or tax laws enforced on any business I may start.
13. Please have the president tell all the Mexican people to be extremely nice and never say critical things about me or my family, or about the strain we might place on their economy.
14. I want to receive free food stamps.
15. Naturally, I'll expect free rent subsidies.
16. I'll need Income tax credits so although I don't pay Mexican Taxes, I'll receive money from the government.
17. Please arrange it so that the Mexican Gov't pays $4,500 to help me buy a new car.
18. Oh yes, I almost forgot, please enroll me free into the Mexican Social Security program so that I'll get a monthly income in retirement.
I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for all his people who walk over to the U.S. from Mexico . I am sure that President Calderon won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely.
Thank you so much for your kind help. You're the man!!!
Friday, September 3, 2010
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Cemetery Prankster
This is a great prank; a guy rigged a remote controlled motorbike with a skeleton driving the bike that has a loudspeaker attached to it.
The guy hides across the street from a walled cemetery and when people walk by it at night, the skeleton rides up quietly on his motor bike and scares the bejeebers out of them. (The guy across the street is talking in the loudspeaker while operating the remote control for the bike)
The guy hides across the street from a walled cemetery and when people walk by it at night, the skeleton rides up quietly on his motor bike and scares the bejeebers out of them. (The guy across the street is talking in the loudspeaker while operating the remote control for the bike)
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