Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Illusions 3

Which line is longer, the horizontal or the vertical?

Are any of the CENTRAL line segments in the five lines below parallel?


Which of the two horizontal lines is longer?

Which of the horizontal lines in the 2 arrows is longer?

Does the dot on the horizontal part of the arrow sit closer to the head, or the tail of the arrow?


Are the diagonal lines parallel to each other or continuous?
Are any of the long diagonal lines parallel to each other?

Is the inner circle of the group at right bigger, smaller, or the same size as the inner circle of the left group?
Is the outer circle in the left tube smaller, bigger, or the same size as the inner circle on the right tube?

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Teachers 'n Cops

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig..


2. I would not allow this student to breed.


3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.


4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.


5.. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.


6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.


7. This child has been working with glue too much.


8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.


9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.


10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.


11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.


12.. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.



These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers.

The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:


16. 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'


15. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'


14. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'


13. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'


12. 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you..'


11. 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'


10. 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'


9. 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.. '


8. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'


7. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'


6. 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'


5. 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'


4. 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'


3. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'


2. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'


AND THE WINNER IS...


1. 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't... Sign here.'

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Jeff Foxworthy's Concept of a Taliban



"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

11. Your cousin is president of the United States

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Letter to President Obama

Dear Mr. President:

I'm planning to move my family and extended family into Mexico for my health, and I would like to ask you to assist me.

We're planning to simply walk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico , and we'll need your help to make a few arrangements.

We plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws.

I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here. So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Calderon, that I'm on my way over?

Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:

1. Free medical care for my entire family.

2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.

3. Please print all Mexican government forms in English.

4. I want my grandkids to be taught Spanish by English-speaking (bi-lingual) teachers.

5. Tell their schools they need to include classes on American culture and history.

6. I want my grandkids to see the American flag on one of the flag poles at their school.

7. Please plan to feed my grandkids at school for both breakfast and lunch.

8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.

9. I do plan to get a car and drive in Mexico but I don't plan to purchase car insurance, and I probably won't make any special effort to learn local traffic laws.

10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from their president to leave me alone, please be sure that every patrol car has at least one English-speaking officer.

11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my house top, put U. S. flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.

12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, or have any labor or tax laws enforced on any business I may start.

13. Please have the president tell all the Mexican people to be extremely nice and never say critical things about me or my family, or about the strain we might place on their economy.

14. I want to receive free food stamps.

15. Naturally, I'll expect free rent subsidies.

16. I'll need Income tax credits so although I don't pay Mexican Taxes, I'll receive money from the government.

17. Please arrange it so that the Mexican Gov't pays $4,500 to help me buy a new car.

18. Oh yes, I almost forgot, please enroll me free into the Mexican Social Security program so that I'll get a monthly income in retirement.

I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for all his people who walk over to the U.S. from Mexico . I am sure that President Calderon won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely.

Thank you so much for your kind help. You're the man!!!

Friday, September 3, 2010

The World Is NUTS!

The Evidence: (Please, adults only.)

In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In
Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)

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Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)
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The penalty for masturbation in
Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than going blind!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in
Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for their first time.
Reason: under
Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there
any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In
Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in
Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *

In
Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In
Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In
Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'

(Is this a great country or what?
Well, not as great as Guam !)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for these tests?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on it's right side when intoxicated.
(>From drinking little bottles of ?)
(Did our government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And the best for last…..

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)
Thank you all for reading this. If you need to reach me in the future, yours sincerely will be in Guam!

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Cemetery Prankster

This is a great prank; a guy rigged a remote controlled motorbike with a skeleton driving the bike that has a loudspeaker attached to it.

The guy hides across the street from a walled cemetery and when people walk by it at night, the skeleton rides up quietly on his motor bike and scares the bejeebers out of them. (The guy across the street is talking in the loudspeaker while operating the remote control for the bike)