Monday, October 20, 2008

New Stock Market Terms (2008)

CEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer
CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer
BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET - A 6-to-18 month period when your kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER - What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER - A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION - The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 a share.
WINDOWS - What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
LIQUIDITY - When you look at the stock market postings and wet your pants.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT - An archaic word no longer in use.
DERIVATIVES - The egg that laid your goose.