Saturday, July 31, 2010

Only Way To Beat A Speeding Ticket

1. Buy the rocket balloons.
2. Inflate with Helium.
3. Attach to vehicle with strong cord.
4. Drive on freeway & watch other drivers' reaction.

5. Hope the cop who stops you has a sense of humor.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

State Rivalries

There exist rivalries between many states of the union, as indicated below:

1. In Minnesota they ask why all football fields in Iowa have artificial turf.
Answer: So the cheerleaders won't graze on the grass.

2. In Iowa they want to know why people from Minnesota don't drink any CoolAid.
Ans: Nobody in Minnesota has figured out how to get 2 quarts of water into one of those little envelopes.

3. In Oregon, they ask what you call a Washington State man wearing a suit?
Ans: The deceased.

4. In Washington they ask how one can tell the widow at an Oregon man's funeral?
Ans: She's the one hitting on all the ushers.

5. In Tennessee they ask "What's the similarity between Alabama cars and Alabama formal dinners?"
Ans: Neither have plates.

6. In Alabama they ask, "Describe foreplay in Tennessee."
Ans: "Honey, tell your brother to turn his back."

7. In New York they ask "What does the Maitre d' ask the customers in a New Jersey restaurant when they enter?"
Ans: "Do you prefer the spitting or non-spitting section?"

8. People in New Jersey ask "When do people from New York stand up at a baseball game?"
Ans: When they have to scratch.

9. In Indiana they ask, "Why have so many men in Michigan quit smoking?"
Ans: Their inflatable women kept exploding.

10. In Michigan they ask, "What do young ladies in Indiana call the local house of ill repute?"
Ans: Finishing School.

11. In Kentucky they ask,"How do they take the census in West Virginia?"
Ans: Count the flush toilets and multiply by five hundred.

12. In West Virginia they ask, "What does a Kentucky wife do when she finds out her husband's been cheating?"
Ans: She scratches the sheep's eyes out.

13. In Florida they ask, "What do most drivers in Georgia forget to buckle?"
Ans: Their pants.

14. In Georgia they ask, "Why don't women from Florida have to wear seat belts?"
Ans: The damage has already been done.

15. In Idaho they wonder, "What are a Montana baby's first words?"
Ans: "Please deport me."

16. In Texas they ask, "What's the worst job in Nevada?"
Ans: Being a woman's hairdresser during a full moon.

17. In Nevada they ask how Texans keep the flies off the food during a formal dinner?
Ans: They take a dump in the corner.

18. In Wisconsin they ask, "Why does an Illinois man occasionally need time for himself?"
Ans: So he can make love.

19. In Illinois they want to know "What has 6 legs, moves very fast, andis usually seen crawling out of bedroom windows in Wisconsin?"
Ans: The milkman, the postman and the paperboy.

20. In North Dakota, they ask why a girl from South Dakota has never won the Miss USA Pageant.
Ans: They could never get an evening gown over those horns.

21. In South Dakota they ask, "Why do so many North Dakotans leave school at 16?"
Ans: Because you can only take so much of the Third Grade.

(Excerpted from The Tonite Show with Johnny Carson. RIP)

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Medical Dictionary

ARTEBACTERIA - The back door of the cafeteria.

BARIUM - What doctors do when their patients die.

BOWEL - A letter like A, E, I, O or U.

CESARIAN SECTION - A neighborhood in Rome.

CAT SCAN - Searching for a kitty.

CAUTERIZE - Made eye contact with her.

COLIC - A sheep dog.

D & C - Where Washington is located.

DILATE - To live a long time.

ENEMA - Not a friend.

FESTER - Quicker.

G. I. SERIES - Soldiers' ball games.

HANGNAIL - Coat hook.

IMPOTENT - Distinguished, well-known.

LABOR PAINS - Getting hurt at work.

MEDICAL STAFF - A doctor's cane.

MORBID - A higher offer.

NITRATES - Cheaper than day rates.

NODE - Was aware of.

OUTPATIENT - A person who fainted.

PAP SMEAR - A fatherhood test.

PELVIS - A cousin of Elvis.

POST-OPERATIVE - A letter carrier.

RECOVERY ROOM - A place to do upholstery.

RECTUM - Dang near killed 'em.

SEIZURE - Roman Empire.

TABLET - Small table.

TERMINAL ILLNESS - Getting sick at the airport.

TUMOR - More than one.

VARICOSE - Nearby.

VEIN - Conceited.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Greatest Comeback Lines in History #1

*** As a rookie reporter for the New York World, young Heywood Broun was told to interview Utah Senator Reed Smoot.
"I have nothing to say," Reed told him.
"I know," replied Broun. "Now let's get down to the interview."

*** It was no secret that Benjamin Disraeli and William Gladstone were arch political enemies. After a particularly heated debate in the House of Commons, Gladstone, addressing Disraeli, shouted, "Sir, you will come to your end either upon the gallows or of venereal disease."
To this Disraeli calmly replied, "I should say, Mr. Gladstone, that depends on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."

*** Winston Churchill, accused in the Commons with ending sentences with prepositions, said, "This is the type of arrant pedantry up with which I will not put."

*** When delivering a speech, Abraham Lincoln was rudely interrupted by a heckler who shouted, "Do I have to pay a dollar to see the ugliest man in the country?"
"I'm afraid sir," replied Lincoln, "that you were charged a dollar for that privilege -- but I have it for nothing."

*** Having just exited from a restaurant, Robert Benchley instructed a uniformed man at the curb to call him a taxi.
"Sir," replied the man haughtily, "I happen to be a rear admiral in the United States Navy.
"All right then," Benchley retorted, "Call me a battleship."

*** Winston Churchill was leaving a party one night when he bumped into a lady.
"Mr. Churchill," she snootily observed, "You are drunk."
"Madam," replied the Prime Minister, "you are ugly. You are very ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober."

*** When asked to define the difference between a misfortune and a calamity, Benjamin Disraeli said, "If Gladstone were to fall into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. If anyone dragged him out, that would be a calamity."

*** Shocked at the exorbitant prices at a certain New York restaurant, Harpo Marx turned to George S. Kaufman and, while perusing the menu said, "What the hell can you get here for fifty cents?"
Kaufman's reply: "A quarter."

*** Cartoonist Al Capp, creator of the immensely popular comic strip 'Lil Abner', had been asked to give a speech to the students at the University of Florida. After a particularly vitriolic attack on the morals of youth, Al requested questions from the students, asking only that they give their names before they asked the question.
The first student at the microphone paused for silence then said, "Fuck You!"
"Now that you've given us your name," snapped the acerbic Capp, "can we please hear your question?"

*** On the sidewalk outside a swank restaurant, W. C. Fields was accosted by a fledgling actor who commenced to badger him for a handout. Fields listened patiently for a moment, then spoke: "I'm sorry my good man," he said, "but all my money is tied up in currency."

*** A particularly long-winded speaker was delivering a very boring speech on the floor of the House of Commons when he noticed that Winston Chruchill was starting to doze off.
"Must you fall asleep while I am speaking?" the orator demanded.
"No," replied Churchill while keeping his eyes shut. "It's purely voluntary."

*** At a dinner party, Calvin Coolidge was approached by a rather stuffy socialite. "President Coolidge," she said, "my husband has bet me that I won't be able to get three words out of you all evening."
"You lose," said Silent Cal as he turned and walked away.

MENSA Sample Questions

1. This dog, of the "Match" breed, is here shown facing West. Make his face East by changing the position of just two matches.
2. While visiting the ruins of old Pompei, I found a slab of stone sitting upright outside what I was told used to be a bawdy house. It had a weathered message on one side (I suppose in Latin) etched in the limestone. Can you deduce what use the stone possibly had?
3. Find the product of the following:

(x - a)(x - b)(x - c)(x - d)............(x -z).

4. Two flagpoles are each 100 feet in height. A rope 150 long is strung between the tops of the poles. At its lowest point, the rope sags to within 25 feet of the ground. Exactly how far apart are the two flagpoles?

5. I have 2 beakers, each containing one litre of liquid; one holds water, the other wine. I transfer exactly 10 cc of water to the wine, mix thoroughly, and then transfer the same amount of mixture to the water in the first beaker. Is there now more water in the wine, or wine in the water?


2. To tie horses to.
3. The product is zero, as extending the algebraic expressions to (x - x), which equals zero, means that we are being asked to multiply 25 expressions by zero, so the product will be zero.
4. Right beside each other.
5. Same proportions exactly.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

New Scientific Discovery

The densest element in the known Universe has been found!


A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the densest element yet known to science. The new element has been named Pelosium.

Pelosium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311.

These particles are held together by dark forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

The symbol of Pelosium is Pu.

Pelosium's mass actually increases over time, as morons randomly interact with various elements in the atmosphere and become assistant deputy neutrons within the Pelosium atom, leading to the formation of isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that Pelosium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.

When catalyzed with money, Pelosium activates CNNadnausium, an element that radiates orders of magnitude more energy, albeit as incoherent noise, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons as Pelosium.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

The true meaning of words

Arbitrator: A cook who leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds.

Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage.

Burglarize: What a crook sees with.

Control: A short, ugly inmate.

Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Eclipse: What an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper: A very clumsy opthalmologist.

Heroes: What a guy in a boat does.

Leftbank: What the robber did after the teller filled his bag with money.

Misty: How golfers create divots.

Paradox: Two physicians.

Parasites: What one sees from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist: A farm helper.

Polarize: What penguins see with.

Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

Relief: What trees do in the spring.

Rubberneck: What you do to relax your wife.

Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does.

Sudafed: Brought litigation against a government official.

(Surely readers could offer a few more of these, in the comment section?)

Sunday, July 11, 2010

M. C. Escher-like Art to Puzzle You

Cool art to mess with your senses

How many horses in this picture? Should find 7
Do you see four people?

Look at the middle column.
Where does it end?



Friday, July 9, 2010

Questions About Canada

Actual questions about Canada on an International Tourism Web Site, answered by other readers:

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow?(UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water. .

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North . . . oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is....oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget it's name. It's a kind of big horse with horns.(USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Airline Humor Redux

The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world.

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock , 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f... ing bored, not f... ing stupid!"

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, Air Traffic Control asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.
After a hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern ... we've already notified our caterers."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.
So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark -- and I didn't land."

While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move 'til I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

Think You Know Everything?

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.

A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

All 50 states are listed across the top of the
Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of
China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

(* OOps, not quite. See comments)

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for e! ach gallon of diesel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."

There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.

NOW, you know almost everything