Sunday, February 26, 2012

Darwin Award Winners

In Detroit, a 41-year old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18"-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

A 49-year old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100'-high cliff on his daily run.

Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8'-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach goers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom when it suddenly collapsed, burying him under 5' of sand. People on the beach on the outer banks used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while a crowd of almost 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at the hospital.

Santiago Alvarado, 24, was kiled in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of the bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused by the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Sylvester Bridell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with 4 bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

HONORABLE MENTION (only because they lived)

Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, and his wife Bonnie was injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the cut-down stick of dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what kind of a 'pop' would happen, but apparently failed to notice that the window was closed.

Tacoma, WA: Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said he knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of rush hour traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the mid-point of the bridge, they realized that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, discovered a coil of lineman's electrical cable laying nearby. One end of the cable was tied around Bingham's left ankle and the other end to a bridge strut. His fall was at least 40' before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two fishermen who had arrived for some morning fishing.

"All I can say," said Bingham from his hospital bed, "is that God was watching out for me that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never recovered.


Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally was able to let fly, and suffocated the keeper under some 200 lbs of poop.

Investigators say the ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive-oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him.

"The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Herr Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on the ground and lay unconscious as Stefan continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted police detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time, he suffocated. It seems to be one of those freak accidents which proves the old saying that 'Shit happens'."

Rejected from Sports Illustrated

Cajun Math

A Cajun man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Cajun says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks?
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Cajun.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Cajun, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."
"So, when I start?"