Thursday, December 23, 2010

Words That Make You Go DUH - 3

1. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

2. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

3. A calendar's days are numbered.

4. A lot of money is tainted: 'Tain't yours and 'tain't mine.

5. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

6. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

7. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

8. If you jump off a bridge in Paris, you are in Seine.

9. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

10. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

11. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

12. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

So Wrong On So Many Levels!

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Thursday, December 16, 2010

A Waziristan Christmas

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Oh Oh!



Christmas might be delayed this year.

Words That Make You Go DUH - 2

1. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

2. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

3. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

4. If you take a laptop computer on your run, you could jog your memory.

5. The dentist and the manicurist fought tooth and nail.

6. A bicycle can't stand alone, it is two tired.

7. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

8. People who don't pay their exorcists can get repossessed.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

10. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

11. The guy who fell into that upholstery machine has fully recovered.

12. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.


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When YouTube Videos Go Viral

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Unintended consequences result.

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Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Thank God for President Obama

These thoughts come from a very wise, 82-year-old grandmother. She presents her opinion on the job President Obama is doing as follows:

That is right, I will say it. Thank God for this President!

1. He destroyed the Clinton political machine, driving a stake through Hillary's Presidential aspirations, which is something no Republican has been able to do. Just remember when a Hillary Presidency scared the living daylights out of you?

2. He killed off the Kennedy dynasty - no more Kennedys trolling Washington looking for booze and young women wanting rides home. American women and freedom are both safer tonight.

3. He is destroying the Democratic Party before our eyes.
Dennis Moore has never lost a race - quit!
Evan Bayh has never lost a race - quit!
Byron Dorgon has never lost a race - quit!
These are just a few of the Democrats whose political careers Obama has destroyed, even before the November elections, where the largest Democratic turnover in 70 years took place.
In December 2008, the Democrats were on the rise, and celebrated Obama's election as their Decade in the Sun. They had picked up 14 Senate seats and 52 House seats, and their supporters in the nationwide press touted the death of the Conservative Movement and the GOP. Well, once elected as President, Obama put an end to this in 2 short years, gave Americans the incentive to form the Tea Parties, end the Senate majority and to completely take over the House.

4. President Obama has exposed liberals and progressives for what they are, and every generation seems to need to re-learn why they should never put liberals in power.
Liberals tax, borrow and spend - CHECK!
Liberals refuse to protect America - CHECK!
Liberals want to take over the economy - CHECK!
Liberals think we're stupid and want to dictate what's good for us - CHECK!
Liberals are never happy until they wind up running YOUR life - CHECK!

5. President Obama has returned more Americans back to conservatism than anyone since Ronald Reagan. In his first year in office, he totally rejuvenated the Conservative Movement and brought millions of previously complacent Americans into the streets in peaceful protests to Take Back America. Go back in your memory and think of any other president who sparked patriotic fervor to that extent!

6. His erratic leadership has sparked the greatest period of firearm and ammunition sales this country has ever seen. Law abiding citizens have provided a 'stimulus' to the sporting goods field while other industries have gone into decline, failed or moved off-shore. The reason Americans are arming themselves is to protect themselves from Obama's socialist vision of our country.

7. In all honesty, one year ago I was more afraid than I have ever been in my entire life. Not of the economy but of the direction our great country was going. I thought Americans had all forgotten what this country was all about. My good friends and neighbors, and even strangers I met on the street and while shopping soon proved to me that my lack of confidence of the Greatness and Wisdom of America's Founders and her people was flat out WRONG.

8. When Americans wake up, no telepromter-reading snake-oil salesman can fool them for long!
Barak Obama woke up these great Americans! Again I want to say THANK YOU, Mr. PRESIDENT. This was exactly the HOPE & CHANGE we needed.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Words That Make You Go DUH

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's Court was Sir Circumference.

The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they often take debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden can be charged with stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they can multiply.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Animal Crackers

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Wacky Wordies #3




As before, readers of this blog who would like to post their solutions may do so by entering their answers in the Comments section below. Those who can't figure out any wacky wordie can get the correct answer by emailing puzzlist.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Solutions to those Deep Questions

1. Exactly how much is a king's ransom?
While returning from his third crusade, Richard the Lion-Hearted was captured by Duke Leopold of Austria and held for ransom by the Holy Roman Emperor, Henry VI. Money for his release was obtained by taxing Richard's subjects and confiscating the churches' vessels and jewels. The amount of the ransom was in the order of 150,000 marks (over $5 million in today's currency.) This ransom, together with the cost of the crusades, virtually bankrupted England.

2. How flat is a pancake, exactly?
The standard pancake served at the International House of Pancakes is about a quarter-inch high and measures about 5 inches in diameter.

3. How deep is skin-deep?
The human dermis is from one-sixteenth to one-eighth of an inch in thickness. A normal adult has about 18 square feet of skin, weighing approximately 6 lbs.

4. How high is the moon?
On average, the moon is 238,857 miles from earth. The highest mountains on the moon are near the lunar south pole in the Liebnitz and Doerfel Ranges, and are over 26,000 feet high.

5. How quick is a wink?
Winks normally range from 0.3 to 0.4 seconds if we are to believe 'Adler's Physiology of the Eye', edited by Robert E. Moses.

6. How hot is a pistol?
There is a wide range of answers here, depending on make of pistol, type, caliber, bullet type and rate of fire. A gun salesman at a gun dealership was asked how hot the barrel of a .38 caliber police special would get if the entire load was fired as fast as possible and he replied, "Too hot to handle."

7. How long is a coon's age?
Racoons live up to 13 years in the wild.

8. How high is a child who is knee-high to a grasshopper?
An entomologist at the American Museum of Natural History in New York says that there are over 120,000 species of grasshopper, and the length of the tibia ranges from less than a millimetre to more than 2.5 centimetres (about an inch).

9. How fast is a snail's pace?
The average land snail moves about 2 inches per minute. Apparently the Costa Rican Mountain Snail (Velifera gabbi), a mere one-eighth of an inch in diameter, can scoot about 18 inches per minute when threatened by sunlight.

10. How far between the devil and the deep blue sea?
"The devil" refers to Scylla, an Italian rock just across the Strait of Messina from the whirlpool located off Cape Peloro, Sicily,that is referred to as the"deep blue sea." About 4 miles.

11. At what point did the straw break the camel's back?
Camels are beasts of burden in the Middle East, where normally they are laden with 240 to 1200 lbs. The record for camel capacity in Australia is 1904 pounds. Any straw added after this would probably do the trick.

12. After how many a summer dies the swan?
After 25 to 30 summer dies the swan. Pigs are not so lucky: their life expectancy is 10-27 years.


Now you know the answers to some Deep Questions, aren't you glad?

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Winterizing Your Home

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Three of Martin Gardner's Best Puzzles

1. Two missiles speed directly towards each other, the one from the East at 9000 miles per hour and the one from the West at 21000 miles per hour. They start 1317 miles apart.

Without using pen and paper, calculate how far apart they are exactly one minute before impact. (Yes, it can be done without tiresome calculations.)


2. An unusual parlor trick may astound your friends and is performed as follows. Ask person A to write down any 3-digit number, then repeat the same numbers to make a six-digit number (e.g. 394,394). With your back turned so you cannot see the number, ask person A to pass the sheet of paper with the number on it to person B, who is then asked to divide the number by 7.

"Don't worry about the remainder," you tell him, "because there won't be any." B will be quite surprised that you are right, as he divides 394394 by 7 to obtain 56,342, with no remainder. He is asked NOT to tell you the result, but to pass the sheet to person C, who is told to divide it by 11. Once again you state that there will not be a remainder, and presto! C finds that you are right. (56,342 divided by 11 is 5,122)

With your back still turned, and no knowledge whatever of the figures obtained by all these computations, you ask a fourth person, call him D, to divide the last figure by 13. Again the division comes out even, as 5,122 divided by 13 yields 394. This final result is to be written on a slip of paper and handed to you, folded a couple of times. Without opening it, you then hand it to person A, saying "Open this up and you will find the original 3-digit number."

The real trick is to prove that this sleigh-of-mind trick cannot fail to work with any 3-digit number chosen by the first person.


3. Imagine you have 3 boxes, one containing 2 black marbles, one containing 2 white marbles, and the third containing one white and one black marble. The boxes WERE labeled for their contents- BB, WW and BW - but someone has switched the labels so that every box is incorrectly labeled.

You are allowed to take one marble from one box at a time, without looking inside, and by this process of sampling you must determine the contents of all three boxes. What is the smallest number of drawings needed to do this?

People who solve one or more of these may leave their solution(s) in the comment section. I will email anyone wishing to know a solution if you request an answer from hank5@telus.net

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Three of Sam Loyd's Puzzles

Undoubtedly America's foremost puzzlist. Sam Loyd wrote his mammoth 'Cyclopedia of Puzzles' over dozens of years before his death. His son edited the tome and published it after his father's death, in 1914.

Included here are 3 typically brilliant Loyd creations. Readers who are challenged by these can obtain solutions by emailing me at hank5@telus.net.

Puzzle 1 - The Missing Link
A farmer had six pieces of chain of five links each, which he wanted made into an endless piece of thirty links.
If it costs the farmer 8 cents to cut a link open and 18 cents to have the blacksmith weld it together again, and if a new endless chain could be bought for $1.50, how much would be saved by the cheapest plan?

Puzzle 2 - The Leaning Tower of Pisa
If an india rubber ball is dropped from the Leaning Tower of Pisa at a height of 179 feet from the ground, and on each rebound the ball rises exactly one tenth of its previous height, what distance will it have traveled before finally coming to rest?
Yes, I know the thought might occur to some that it should never come to rest because it always rebounds one tenth of the previous bounce, but let's be realistic...

Puzzle 3 - The Ferry Boat Problem
Two ferry boats start moving at the same instant from opposite sides of the Hudson River, one boat going from New York to Jersey City, the other from Jersey City to New York. One boat is faster than the other, so they meet at a point 720 yards from the nearest shore.
After arriving at their destinations, each boat remains 10 minutes in the slip to change passengers; then it starts on its return trip. The boats again meet, this time 400 yards from the other shore. What is the exact width of the river?

This elegant little puzzle shows how seemingly difficult puzzles may be solved by just applying elementary arithmetic and a bit of common sense. It can be explained to a child in grade school, yet may flummox grown businessmen and academics.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Christmas is Coming

Relativity Problems

1. If Tom's father is Jerry's son, how is Jerry related to Tom?

2. Can you explain why it is impossible for a man to marry his widow's sister?

3. A big Eskimo and a little Eskimo are sitting on a block of ice. If the little Eskimo is the son of the big Eskimo, but the big Eskimo is not the father of the little Eskimo,what is the relationship between the two?

4. Ellen and Luke are aunt and nephew, respectively. "How can you be my aunt?", Luke inquired. "Although we're blood relatives, we're both the same age!" How is this possible?

5. Brothers and sisters I have none, but this man's father is my father's son. Can you explain this statement?

6. Two sisters are walking down the street. One of them said, "I want to stop by the school a few minutes and see my nephew." The other replied, "Since I have no nephew, I will walk on ahead." Explain how this is possible.

7. A man and his wife have three children between them. The husband has a daughter by a former marriage and the wife also had a daughter by a former marriage. They have a son by their current marriage. What is the relationship between the three children?

8. A young man and his sister were looking at an old photo album. Suddenly the young man pointed at a photograph of a woman and explained to his sister, "This woman's father was my father's brother-in-law." What relation was the young man's sister to the subject in the photograph?

9. As they were walking through their old family home, a man looked up, pointed to a woman's portrait and said to his son, "That woman's mother was my father's mother-in-law." What is the relationship of the man to the subject of the portrait?

10. An epitaph on a tombstone reads as follows: "Here lies the widowed wife of a widower." What is the least number of people involved in this epitaph? Explain.







ANSWERS
1. Jerry is Tom's grandfather.
2. Before a man can have a widow, he must be dead.
3. Mother and son.
4. Unusual, but possible: Either Luke's mother or father may have a sister the same age as Luke.
5. A man is speaking of himself.
6. One sister was the aunt of the boy, the other his mother.
7. The son is half-brother to the sisters; the daughters are step-sisters.
8. The mother's brother's daughter is the woman in the picture; she would be a first cousin of the brother and sister.
9. The man is either the son or nephew of the subject in the portrait.
10. Three: the widower, the widower's first wife, who died after she remarried and lost her husband, and the widower's second wife, who died and left him a widower.


Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Sunday, November 21, 2010

More Puzzles

Is the following set of figures a bunch of numbers, or letters?


Try to add the following column of figures by counting aloud, from top to bottom, and see what you come up with. I've tried this on 2 bank tellers, and they both got the wrong answer, but were amazed when they used a calculator.
A bit of thought, a bit of imagination,and you should take less than a minute to come up with the next figure which must follow this sequence.
Can you find the numbers 1 through 9 in the following drawing?


Context matters. If one reads the 3 figures from right to left, or left to right, the red figure reads as a letter, whereas if one reads the 3 figures in the vertical column, they are seen as a number.


Anyone needing help on any one of these, leave a comment in the comment section.

Passport Control in Gaza

In light of the fascist behavior that Islam has forced the TSA at most US airports to enforce, may we present the level of screening present at Gaza for incoming visitors?

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FLASH: Latest news from Israel indicates that they have developed a booth that questionable passengers who object to X-ray scans or personal, invasive searches step into, and that the booth contains electronic and chemical sensors which automatically detonate any explosives found on the passenger's body. The explosion is entirely contained within the sealed enclosure, including the sound so as to not unduly alarm other passenger. This is a win-win situation and seems so simple, it's nothing short of brilliant. Just think, a muffled explosion is followed by the PA announcement that another vacancy exists on El Al Flight Number...

Friday, November 19, 2010

Smoking Kills

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Mind Bender #5

1. Supposing you are the captain of a ship and it has 3 red funnels and it leaves New York on a Tuesday and gets to Southampton on Saturday. On the return trip it reaches New York on Thursday. What is the name of the captain?

Assuming you got it... but try it on one person - not a group, otherwise someone will cotton on - it's astounding that you can repeat this over and over again but your victim rarely gets it.

2. There is a rope ladder hanging over the side of a ship. Each of the rungs of the ladder are one foot apart. The tide rises at the rate of 18" per hour. How many rungs are covered after four hours?

3. An elm tree was swaying in the wind. It had eight branches and on each tree branch were eight acorns. The wind blew an acorn off each branch. How many are left?

4. A woman is in The Guinness Book of Records as having triplets in July, and twins in August - of the same calendar year! How could that be possible?

5. Generally speaking, birds lay their eggs in nests high up in trees, or down at ground level. Where do peacocks lay their eggs?

6. A youth said: "The day before yesterday I was fourteen. Next year I'll be seventeen." On what day is he making his statements and when was his birthday? (No, it has nothing to do with Leap Year.)

7. Man has seven neck vertebrae; how many does a giraffe have?

8. You are in the army. You and the remnants of your squad are standing at a gorge which is crossed by a rope bridge. It is pitch black and you have only one flashlight between all four of you. You know the bridge will be blown up in 17 minutes, so you must get yourself and all of your squad across the bridge before the bridge is blown up.

You can get across the bridge in 1 minute. Soldier X takes 2 minutes to cross. Soldier Y is overweight and will need 5 minutes to cross. Soldier Z is wounded and will require 10 minutes to cross.

The rope bridge will only take the weight of two men at a time. One must always return with the flashlight as it is impossible to cross the bridge if you can't see. Whoever crosses always takes the time of the slowest person as he has to help them.

How is it possible to save all of your team and do it?

9. A butcher is 5'10". What does he weigh? Yeah, you can figure this out!

10. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?
















ANSWERS:
1. You are the captain, surely you know your name.
2. The same as before, for the ship floats with the tide, as does the attached ladder.
3. The actual answer should be none, as acorns do not grow on elm trees. However, a case could be made that actual acorns were somehow attached to the branches,in which case the answer would be 56 or [(8 x 8) - 8].
4. She had quintuplets, and the first three arrived before midnight on July 31st but the other two arrived after midnight, so on August 1st.
5. Peacocks do not lay eggs. Peahens do.
6. Let's see... This day is the day after his fifteenth birthday, and also January 1st. So he was born December 31st.
7. Giraffes have the same number as almost every other mammal (7), just elongated ones.
8. You go over with X, for a total of 2 minutes elapsed. You immediately return, for a total of 3 minutes elapsed. You send Y and Z over together with the torch, they take 10 minutes, for a total of 13 minutes elapsed. X then returns with the light for a total of 15 minutes elapsed, so you and he cross together for a total of 17 minutes, after which the bridge blows up.
9. Meat! He's a butcher, and has to weigh the stuff before he sells it.
10. Coal.



Friday, November 12, 2010

My Last Trip To COSTCO



Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog, and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.

I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.


I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

Maximizing Our Transport Systems
















Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Avoiding Sexism in the PC Era

Men, this will save your bacon when describing women in this Age of Political Correctedness.

1. Women are never "Dumb Blondes", rather they are "Light-Haired Detours off the Information Superhighway."
2. Women are not "Easy", rather they can be "Horizontally Accessible."
3. Women have not "Been Around", rather they are a "Previously-Enjoyed Companions."
4. Women are not "Airheads", rather they are "Reality Impaired."
5. Women do not get "Drunk" or "Tipsy", rather they become "Chemically Inconvenienced."
6. Women do not get "Breast Implants", rather they become "Medically Enhanced."
7. Women never "Nag" you, rather they become "Verbally Repetitive."
8. Women are not "Tramps", rather they are "Sexually Extroverted."
9. Women are not "Two-Bit Hookers", rather they are "Low Cost Providers."
10. Women do not have "Major League Hooters", rather they are "Pectorally Superior."

Ladies, you must speak about men as follows to be Politically Correct:

1. Men do not have a "Beer Gut", but have instead developed a "Liquid Grain Storage Facility."
2. Men are not "Bad Dancers", rather they are "Overly Caucasian."
3. Men are not "Balding", rather they have "Follicle Regression."
4. Men are not "Cradle Robbers", but prefer "Generational Differential Relationships."
5. Men do not get "Falling Down Drunk"; they become "Accidentally Horizontal."
6. Men do not act like "Total Asses." They rather develop a case of "Rectal-Cranial Inversion."
7. Men are not "Male Chauvinist Pigs", rather they possess "Swine Empathy."
8. Men are not afraid of "Commitment", but are "Relationship Challenged."
9. Men are not always "Horny", but rather "Sexually Focused."
10. It's not their "Crack" hanging out of their pants when they bend over. It's "Rear Cleavage."

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Sorta Says It All

The stunning election results on Nov. 2, 2010 were best predicted by this sign:

Illusions 5

Do you see a young girl, or an old hag?


Is the following figure at all possible?

Are the red lines parallel, or do they bulge in or out?



Are the center orange circles the same size?
Are the four concentric circles (made of little squares), truly circles?

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Canadian Passport Application

Actual letter to the Canadian Passport office

Dear Mr. Minister, I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a t.v. cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date. For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have on my social insurance card, and it is on all the
income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight goddamn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is
Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!

SHIT!
I apologize, Mr. Minister. I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my fuckin' address. What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthal assholes workin' there! Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and
get another fuckin' copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60!!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the fuckin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some asshole to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (fuckin' morons) Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off!

Signed - An Irate fucking Canadian Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to
confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 when one of my forefathers took up arms against the Americans.

I have served
in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the yingyang. I was aide de camp to the lieutenant governor of our province for ten years and I have been doing volunteer work for the RCMP for about five years. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST FUCKING CHINA
!!!!!!!