Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Taliban Singles OnLine

More Headlines From The Year 2029

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

85-Year, $75.8 Billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists create a camera with such a fast shutter speed that they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters & rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2035.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

Close To Perfect

video

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

More Illusions

Spot all the pretty horses:

Are all the same-colored balls in any one row aligned in a straight line?
Why is this triangle impossible?

Monday, February 21, 2011

Mr. Gay

Understanding Computer Technology

Puzzle Me THIS!

The Main Street Media in the USA has savaged Glenn Beck for years as a liar, and as someone who 'makes up facts' which are at odds with reality. Yet Mr. Beck has been proven right time after time, and the MSM is continually embarrassed by their inability to provide facts for their viewers, as Mr. Beck does.

Consider the following map of the Middle East provided by Reuters, describing the conflagration in the southern Mediterranean Arab countries, which was clearly forecast by Beck's FNC program a week ago, but roundly criticized by everyone in the MSM as "scare-mongering" and "exaggerated."


Strikes us that people in the West, and Europe (for that matter), had better take off the blinders and wake up.

So WHY is the liberal west so entrenched in their opposition to reality?

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Classic Brain Cramps

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
QUESTION: "If you could live forever, would you, and why?"
HER ANSWER: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--- Mariah Carey
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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
--- Brooke Shields, during her interview to become Spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign
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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
--- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
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"Outside of the killings, Washington D.C. has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
--- Former Mayor Marion Barry, Wahington, D.C.
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"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
--- A candidate for congress in Texas
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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--- Philadelphia Phillies former manager Danny Ozark

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"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
--- Dan Quayle, vice-presidential candidate & expert speller
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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we really need?"
--- Lee Iacocca, former Chrysler president
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"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--- Joe Theismann, NFL quarterback and sports analyst
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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
--- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC instructor

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"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--- Keppel Enderbery
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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--- Mark S. Fowler, former FCC Chairman

'Nuther One Bites The Dust

video

Friday, February 18, 2011

Headlines from the Year 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third official language.

Spotted Owl Plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 25 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

Castro finally dies at age 103; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2032.

USPS raises price of first-class postage stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

US Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civic rights.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Southern States, Redux

In Summerville, South Carolina, a trooper set up a radar trap in what he considered a perfect spot and started bagging speeders. He was somewhat perplexed to find that after the first four victims, he wasn't getting any, so went on foot to investigate. He soon discovered the problem: a 12-year old boy was standing up the road with a hand-painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The trooper bawled the lad out and walked back to his patrol car, got in and drove down the road, only to find another young lad holding up a sign saying "TIPS", and a small bucket full of money.

And I used to sell lemonade to make money when I was young.

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In Charleston, South Carolina, a motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding past a radar camera along with a ticket for $40. He thought he's be clever and sent back a photo of $40.00 to the address on the ticket.

The police responded with another letter, this time with a photograph of a set of handcuffs.

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A young woman was pulled over for speeding, and as the state trooper walked over to her car flipping open his ticket book, she smiled and said, "I just bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the SC State Police Ball."

With a snarl, the trooper said, "SC State Troopers don't have balls." There was the pained moment of silence while she smiled and raised her eyebrows, and the poor trooper realized what he'd just said. Without another word, he closed his ticket book, turned on his heels, got back in his cruiser and drove off. She was laughing too hard to start her car until he was out of sight.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Pleasant Dreams!

This little beauty was caught just south of Jacksonville, Florida, near the St. Augustine outlet, in a new KB Homes subdivision.
15 foot long Eastern Diamondback Rattlesnake. Largest ever caught on record!
For your edification, here are some facts:

One bite from a snake this large contains enough venom to kill more than 40 full-grown men.

The snake's head alone is larger than the hand of a normal sized man.

The snake was alive when George H. W. Bush became President.

A bite from these fangs would be like being penetrated by 2 quarter-inch screwdrivers.

This snake could easily swallow a medium-sized dog, or a small child.

A snake this size has about a 5 1/2' striking distance, compared to an average rattler's 2' one.

The weight of this sized snake was estimated to be more than 170 lbs. How much do you weigh?

You Know You're A Redneck When... (Redux)

1. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

2. You have a rag for a gas cap.

3. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

4. You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.

5. You can spit without opening your mouth.

6. You consider your license plate to be personalized because your daddy made it.

7. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

8. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say 'Cool Whip' on the side.

9. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

10. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

11. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

12. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 of improvements.

13. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

14. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

15. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 MPH.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

When a Hog Meets A Grizzly


This monster was hit by a biker on a Harley in Lolo Pass, between Lolo MT and Kooskia ID. The biker survived but spent 3 days in hospital. The grizzly and the hog didn't make it.





Did you see the claws on this sucker?


Modern Logging

video

You Know You're A Redneck When...

1. You take the dog for a walk, and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.

6. The Salvation Army declines to take your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandma has ammo on her Christmas List.

13. You keep flea & tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

Why The Chinese Kick Our Ass!

NOTE: Adult Content Advisory


Every year, the Chinese universities out-perform our universities, especially in maths and sciences. The following might explain why:


The Graduation Class of Shanghai University:


A Graduation Class at the University of Colorado:


Thursday, February 10, 2011

Test of Genius, Round 2

1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3. Of all the vegetable we commonly eat, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is real and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way and then rejoined together somehow. How does the pear get into the bottle?

6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters "dw" and they are all common words. Can you name just two of them?

7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?

8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter "s".






ANSWERS: Don't peek unless you just HAVE TO!
1. The one sport where neither spectators nor participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends is boxing.
2. Niagara Falls. The rim of the falls recedes about two and a half feet per year due to the millions of water rushing over it every hour.
3. Only two vegetables which will reproduce on their own, year after year, are asparagus & rhubarb.
4. Strawberries have their seeds on the outside of the fruit.
5. Empty, clean bottles are placed over pear buds early in the growing season, and wired in place on the tree, allowing the fruit to ripen inside the bottles. When the pears are ripe, the bottles are removed with the pear inside, and filled with pear brandy, corked and sold.
6. Dwarf, dwell, dwindle.
7. The fourteen punctuation marks in grammar are: period, comma, colon, semi-colon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation mark, quotation marks, brackets, parentheses, braces and ellipses.
8. Lettuce cannot be served any way except fresh (refrigerated in the crisper doesn't count.)
9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with "s": shoes, socks or stockings, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stilts

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Do Not Tease The Polar Bear

video

Test of Genius

1. How many triangles can you count in the following picture?
(Consider
e to be a single triangle, and f to be another, but then {e+f} make up a single triangle too!)

2. Herman Horsetrader bought a horse for $600 and then sold it for $700. The next day he bought it back for $800 and then sold it for $900. How much money did Herman make altogether?

3. How many brothers and sisters are there in a family in which each boy has as many sisters as brothers, but each girl has twice as many brothers as sisters?

4. Which of the four figures below should go in the empty box above?

5. Suppose a man offered to work for 30 days at the following salary: 1 cent for the first day, 2 cents on the next, 4 cents on the third day, and so on, doubling each day. Would it be cheaper to agree to this wage scale or simply agree on a salary of $1000 per month?

6. How many different 4-letter license plates can be made using ONLY the letters M, A, T, and H? All four letters must be used once on each plate.

7. It has been established that 1 of 4 men committed a crime. Following are the statements made by each suspect:
Harry: Barry did it.
Barry: Jerry did it.
Larry: I didn't do it.
Jerry: Barry lied when he said I did it.
If only ONE statement is true, who is the criminal?

8. Draw 2 straight lines across this clock face to divide it into 3 parts so that the numbers in each part, or segment, add to 26.
9. The pattern below includes every letter of the alphabet except Z. Would Z go on the top, or bottom row? Why?

A E F H I K L M N T V W X Y
B C D G J O P Q R S U

Contact PUZZLIST via email for answers: Write to hank5@telus.net with your valid email address requesting solutions to "Test of Genius", or check back in 7 days and look in this post's 'Comments' section.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Super Bowl XLV Story

My friend Tom was lucky enough to get tickets to this year's Super Bowl game between the Pack & the Steelers. He and his buddy Mel were close to the 50-yard line, tenth row up, just behind the benches. A once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

Anyway, he phoned me about 15 minutes ago, not only to gloat, but also to tell me about something peculiar that happened to them.

Seems that an elderly, sad gent sat in the row directly in front of them with no-one in the seat next to him. For the whole game. Now Tom and Mel shelled out some pretty heavy dough for their two tickets, and they wondered how it was that anyone would pass up a Super Bowl seat, so Tom leaned down and asked "Who in their right mind would pass up a seat at the Super Bowl. especially for a game like this?"

The man said, "Actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl game we haven't been to together since 1987."

Tom said, "Gee, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shook his head. "No, they're all at her funeral."

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Dr. Seuss Does Computers

This works best if you read the text aloud as you scroll down - much as if you were reading a bedtime story to your child.




If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!


If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall......

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.

When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro code instructions is causing unnecessary risk, then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM, and then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!
Well, that certainly clears things up for me. How about you?

Thank you, Bill Gates, for bringing all this into our lives

Seems Like So Long Ago




Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment

A program was a TV show

A cursor used profanity


A keyboard was a piano

A web was a spider's home

A virus was the flu

A CD was a bank account


A hard drive was a long trip on the road

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived


And if you had a 3 inch floppy . ..


. . . you just hoped nobody ever found out!!

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Pandamonium

When an earthquake struck the Wolong giant panda breeding ground in China recently, so much chaos occurred that 3 of the adult pandas fled the enclosures and the babies took to the trees and climbing poles to escape the ground. Workers had a hard day rounding up the pandas and calming them down...