Friday, May 23, 2014

High School 1957 vs. 2014

Scenario 1:
Jack goes duck hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in the truck gun rack.
1957- Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2014- School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his pickup or gun again.  Psychologists are called in to help traumatized students and teachers. 

Scenario 2:
 Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1957- Crowd gathers.  Mark wins.  Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up good buddies.
2014- Police called and SWAT team arrives.  Police arrest both Mark and Johnny.  Both are charged with assault even though Mark admits he started it.  Both are expelled.

Scenario 3:
Jeffrey will not sit still in class, continually disrupting other students.
1957- Jeffrey sent to Principal's office where he is given a good paddling.   He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt the class again.
2014- Jeffrey is prescribed huge doses of Ritalin.  He becomes a zombie.  He's then tested for ADD.  Family receives extra money (SSI) from the government because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in a neighbor's car and his dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957- Billy is much more careful, grows up normal, goes on to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2014- Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse.  Billy is removed to a foster home and soon joins a gang.  The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused also by her father, who is sentenced to a long prison term.  Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario 5:
Mark gets headaches so he takes some aspirin to school.
1957- Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal at recess in the parking lot.
2014- The police are called in and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations.  His car is searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario 6:
Pedro fails high school English.
1957- Pedro is made to go to summer school, passes English next term, goes to college.
2014- Pedro's cause is taken up by the state.  Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that English as a requirement for graduation is racist.  The ACLU files a class-action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher.  English is banned from the core curriculum.  Pedro is given a diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns because he cannot speak English.

Scenario 7:
Johnny takes apart some left-over firecrackers after the Fourth of July holiday, pours the powder into a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
1957- Ants die.
2014- ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are called in.  Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism.  The FBI investigates the parents, all siblings are removed from the home and all computers are confiscated.  Johnny's dad placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario 8:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee.  He is found crying by his teacher, who hugs him and comforts him while applying a bandage.
1957- In a short while, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2014- Mary, Johnny's teacher, is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job.  She faces 3 years in state prison.  Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.                    

Monday, November 4, 2013

Helping Sebelius

GOP senator Brian Kelsey attempts to help clueless Obamacare czar Sebelius overcome the disastrous roll-out of the Unaffordable Health Act by handing her a copy of "Websites for Dummies."

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Life Lessons

Nothing is as stressful as trying to be a different person from who you are.

Amazingly, people think the things that happen to them happen only to them.

Some men I know spend more time maintaining their lawns than they do their relationships.

The most absolute dictator's power is not as great as a typical parent's power over their child.

I still place emphasis on appearance, even though I've run across quite a few well-dressed idiots.

Three things all children should know: (i) Who's the boss; (ii) What are the rules; and (iii) Who is going to enforce them?

I firmly believe that people who work 12 hours a day should go home with a bigger loaf of bread than people who work eight.

Some ideas are so incredibly stupid that only intellectuals can believe them.

Far more often than poverty breeds crime, crime breeds poverty.

It is better to be 0 for 20 than 0 for 0.

The older I get, the more heartfelt my prayers become.         

Sunday, September 29, 2013

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Why, Why, WHY???

Have you ever wondered why certain phenomena occurred, or puzzled over seemingly inexplicable events in our everyday lives?  Here's a few of these puzzling things explained.

1.  Why does hair get darker after infancy and turn white in old age?

A child's developing hair becomes impregnated by hundreds of thousands of pigment cells called melanocytes, which produce 2 types of pigments, eumelanin (which darkens the hair black or dark-brown), and phaeomelanin (resulting in either blond or ginger hair.)
Hair darkens from birth onward as melanocytes intensify their activity up to about age 15, then stabilize until just after age 30.  After that, the pigment production rate slows down and hair starts to turn grey until the rate ceases in old age and thus the hair turns white, the natural color of its proteins.

2.  Why do we yawn, and why is yawning contagious?

People yawn when there is a decrease in the oxygen level in the lungs and a resulting accumulation of carbon dioxide in the blood.  This is usually an indication of sleepiness or hunger.  Because this is a sort of nervous reflex, it can also happen by imitation.

3.  Why do Africans have such curly hair?

Evolution has equipped the people native to central Africa, where the temperatures commonly reach 40 degrees Celsius, with an effective weapon against overheating of the scalp (and thus of the brain.)  Cerebral tissue begins to degenerate above about 40 degrees, so the hair's insulating cushion of tight, wiry "curls" and the scalp's secretion of natural oils helps to keep temperatures below danger levels.

4.  Why do bean plants wrap their tendrils counterclockwise around their support poles?

 Bean shoots grow towards the sun to enable the process of photosynthesis to occur.  In the Northern Hemisphere, as the sun moves east to west through the sky, the bean plants follow its path and thus wrap themselves counterclockwise around support poles.
Of course, this process is reversed in the southern hemisphere.

5.  Why do we get Goosebumps?

It's an indication that our body's defense mechanisms are functioning normally.  When hair follicles constrict in response to low temperatures (seen on the skin as raised "goose bumps",) they also squeeze oils out of the sebaceous glands which lie in close proximity, to protect against cold.


Monday, August 26, 2013

Musical Comedy

These are actual excerpts from grade-school students on classical music:

1.   Refrain means don't do it.  In music it's the part you better not sing.

2.  Handel was half German, half Italian and half British.  He was rather large.

3.  Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf.  He was so deaf he wrote loud music.

4.  Henry Purcell is a well-known composer a few feople have heard of.

5.  Aaron Copeland is a contemporary composer.  It is unusual to be contemporary.  Most composers do not live until they are dead.

6.  Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.

7.  I know what a sextet is, but I'd rather not say.

8.  Caruso was at first an Italian.  Then someone heard his voice and said he would go far.  And so he came to America.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

YES, You Can!

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills, 
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, 
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles, 
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it, 
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time, 
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong, 
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment, 
If you can face the world without lies and deceit, 
If you can conquer tension without medical help, 
If you can relax without liquor, 
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, 
If you can do all these things, 

Then you are probably the family dog.