Thursday, December 23, 2010

Words That Make You Go DUH - 3

1. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

2. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

3. A calendar's days are numbered.

4. A lot of money is tainted: 'Tain't yours and 'tain't mine.

5. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

6. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

7. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

8. If you jump off a bridge in Paris, you are in Seine.

9. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

10. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

11. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

12. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

So Wrong On So Many Levels!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

A Waziristan Christmas

Oh Oh!

Christmas might be delayed this year.

Words That Make You Go DUH - 2

1. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

2. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

3. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

4. If you take a laptop computer on your run, you could jog your memory.

5. The dentist and the manicurist fought tooth and nail.

6. A bicycle can't stand alone, it is two tired.

7. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

8. People who don't pay their exorcists can get repossessed.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

10. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

11. The guy who fell into that upholstery machine has fully recovered.

12. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

When YouTube Videos Go Viral

Unintended consequences result.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Thank God for President Obama

These thoughts come from a very wise, 82-year-old grandmother. She presents her opinion on the job President Obama is doing as follows:

That is right, I will say it. Thank God for this President!

1. He destroyed the Clinton political machine, driving a stake through Hillary's Presidential aspirations, which is something no Republican has been able to do. Just remember when a Hillary Presidency scared the living daylights out of you?

2. He killed off the Kennedy dynasty - no more Kennedys trolling Washington looking for booze and young women wanting rides home. American women and freedom are both safer tonight.

3. He is destroying the Democratic Party before our eyes.
Dennis Moore has never lost a race - quit!
Evan Bayh has never lost a race - quit!
Byron Dorgon has never lost a race - quit!
These are just a few of the Democrats whose political careers Obama has destroyed, even before the November elections, where the largest Democratic turnover in 70 years took place.
In December 2008, the Democrats were on the rise, and celebrated Obama's election as their Decade in the Sun. They had picked up 14 Senate seats and 52 House seats, and their supporters in the nationwide press touted the death of the Conservative Movement and the GOP. Well, once elected as President, Obama put an end to this in 2 short years, gave Americans the incentive to form the Tea Parties, end the Senate majority and to completely take over the House.

4. President Obama has exposed liberals and progressives for what they are, and every generation seems to need to re-learn why they should never put liberals in power.
Liberals tax, borrow and spend - CHECK!
Liberals refuse to protect America - CHECK!
Liberals want to take over the economy - CHECK!
Liberals think we're stupid and want to dictate what's good for us - CHECK!
Liberals are never happy until they wind up running YOUR life - CHECK!

5. President Obama has returned more Americans back to conservatism than anyone since Ronald Reagan. In his first year in office, he totally rejuvenated the Conservative Movement and brought millions of previously complacent Americans into the streets in peaceful protests to Take Back America. Go back in your memory and think of any other president who sparked patriotic fervor to that extent!

6. His erratic leadership has sparked the greatest period of firearm and ammunition sales this country has ever seen. Law abiding citizens have provided a 'stimulus' to the sporting goods field while other industries have gone into decline, failed or moved off-shore. The reason Americans are arming themselves is to protect themselves from Obama's socialist vision of our country.

7. In all honesty, one year ago I was more afraid than I have ever been in my entire life. Not of the economy but of the direction our great country was going. I thought Americans had all forgotten what this country was all about. My good friends and neighbors, and even strangers I met on the street and while shopping soon proved to me that my lack of confidence of the Greatness and Wisdom of America's Founders and her people was flat out WRONG.

8. When Americans wake up, no telepromter-reading snake-oil salesman can fool them for long!
Barak Obama woke up these great Americans! Again I want to say THANK YOU, Mr. PRESIDENT. This was exactly the HOPE & CHANGE we needed.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Words That Make You Go DUH

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's Court was Sir Circumference.

The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they often take debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden can be charged with stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they can multiply.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Animal Crackers

Wacky Wordies #3

As before, readers of this blog who would like to post their solutions may do so by entering their answers in the Comments section below. Those who can't figure out any wacky wordie can get the correct answer by emailing puzzlist.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Solutions to those Deep Questions

1. Exactly how much is a king's ransom?
While returning from his third crusade, Richard the Lion-Hearted was captured by Duke Leopold of Austria and held for ransom by the Holy Roman Emperor, Henry VI. Money for his release was obtained by taxing Richard's subjects and confiscating the churches' vessels and jewels. The amount of the ransom was in the order of 150,000 marks (over $5 million in today's currency.) This ransom, together with the cost of the crusades, virtually bankrupted England.

2. How flat is a pancake, exactly?
The standard pancake served at the International House of Pancakes is about a quarter-inch high and measures about 5 inches in diameter.

3. How deep is skin-deep?
The human dermis is from one-sixteenth to one-eighth of an inch in thickness. A normal adult has about 18 square feet of skin, weighing approximately 6 lbs.

4. How high is the moon?
On average, the moon is 238,857 miles from earth. The highest mountains on the moon are near the lunar south pole in the Liebnitz and Doerfel Ranges, and are over 26,000 feet high.

5. How quick is a wink?
Winks normally range from 0.3 to 0.4 seconds if we are to believe 'Adler's Physiology of the Eye', edited by Robert E. Moses.

6. How hot is a pistol?
There is a wide range of answers here, depending on make of pistol, type, caliber, bullet type and rate of fire. A gun salesman at a gun dealership was asked how hot the barrel of a .38 caliber police special would get if the entire load was fired as fast as possible and he replied, "Too hot to handle."

7. How long is a coon's age?
Racoons live up to 13 years in the wild.

8. How high is a child who is knee-high to a grasshopper?
An entomologist at the American Museum of Natural History in New York says that there are over 120,000 species of grasshopper, and the length of the tibia ranges from less than a millimetre to more than 2.5 centimetres (about an inch).

9. How fast is a snail's pace?
The average land snail moves about 2 inches per minute. Apparently the Costa Rican Mountain Snail (Velifera gabbi), a mere one-eighth of an inch in diameter, can scoot about 18 inches per minute when threatened by sunlight.

10. How far between the devil and the deep blue sea?
"The devil" refers to Scylla, an Italian rock just across the Strait of Messina from the whirlpool located off Cape Peloro, Sicily,that is referred to as the"deep blue sea." About 4 miles.

11. At what point did the straw break the camel's back?
Camels are beasts of burden in the Middle East, where normally they are laden with 240 to 1200 lbs. The record for camel capacity in Australia is 1904 pounds. Any straw added after this would probably do the trick.

12. After how many a summer dies the swan?
After 25 to 30 summer dies the swan. Pigs are not so lucky: their life expectancy is 10-27 years.

Now you know the answers to some Deep Questions, aren't you glad?

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Winterizing Your Home

Three of Martin Gardner's Best Puzzles

1. Two missiles speed directly towards each other, the one from the East at 9000 miles per hour and the one from the West at 21000 miles per hour. They start 1317 miles apart.

Without using pen and paper, calculate how far apart they are exactly one minute before impact. (Yes, it can be done without tiresome calculations.)

2. An unusual parlor trick may astound your friends and is performed as follows. Ask person A to write down any 3-digit number, then repeat the same numbers to make a six-digit number (e.g. 394,394). With your back turned so you cannot see the number, ask person A to pass the sheet of paper with the number on it to person B, who is then asked to divide the number by 7.

"Don't worry about the remainder," you tell him, "because there won't be any." B will be quite surprised that you are right, as he divides 394394 by 7 to obtain 56,342, with no remainder. He is asked NOT to tell you the result, but to pass the sheet to person C, who is told to divide it by 11. Once again you state that there will not be a remainder, and presto! C finds that you are right. (56,342 divided by 11 is 5,122)

With your back still turned, and no knowledge whatever of the figures obtained by all these computations, you ask a fourth person, call him D, to divide the last figure by 13. Again the division comes out even, as 5,122 divided by 13 yields 394. This final result is to be written on a slip of paper and handed to you, folded a couple of times. Without opening it, you then hand it to person A, saying "Open this up and you will find the original 3-digit number."

The real trick is to prove that this sleigh-of-mind trick cannot fail to work with any 3-digit number chosen by the first person.

3. Imagine you have 3 boxes, one containing 2 black marbles, one containing 2 white marbles, and the third containing one white and one black marble. The boxes WERE labeled for their contents- BB, WW and BW - but someone has switched the labels so that every box is incorrectly labeled.

You are allowed to take one marble from one box at a time, without looking inside, and by this process of sampling you must determine the contents of all three boxes. What is the smallest number of drawings needed to do this?

People who solve one or more of these may leave their solution(s) in the comment section. I will email anyone wishing to know a solution if you request an answer from

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Three of Sam Loyd's Puzzles

Undoubtedly America's foremost puzzlist. Sam Loyd wrote his mammoth 'Cyclopedia of Puzzles' over dozens of years before his death. His son edited the tome and published it after his father's death, in 1914.

Included here are 3 typically brilliant Loyd creations. Readers who are challenged by these can obtain solutions by emailing me at

Puzzle 1 - The Missing Link
A farmer had six pieces of chain of five links each, which he wanted made into an endless piece of thirty links.
If it costs the farmer 8 cents to cut a link open and 18 cents to have the blacksmith weld it together again, and if a new endless chain could be bought for $1.50, how much would be saved by the cheapest plan?

Puzzle 2 - The Leaning Tower of Pisa
If an india rubber ball is dropped from the Leaning Tower of Pisa at a height of 179 feet from the ground, and on each rebound the ball rises exactly one tenth of its previous height, what distance will it have traveled before finally coming to rest?
Yes, I know the thought might occur to some that it should never come to rest because it always rebounds one tenth of the previous bounce, but let's be realistic...

Puzzle 3 - The Ferry Boat Problem
Two ferry boats start moving at the same instant from opposite sides of the Hudson River, one boat going from New York to Jersey City, the other from Jersey City to New York. One boat is faster than the other, so they meet at a point 720 yards from the nearest shore.
After arriving at their destinations, each boat remains 10 minutes in the slip to change passengers; then it starts on its return trip. The boats again meet, this time 400 yards from the other shore. What is the exact width of the river?

This elegant little puzzle shows how seemingly difficult puzzles may be solved by just applying elementary arithmetic and a bit of common sense. It can be explained to a child in grade school, yet may flummox grown businessmen and academics.