Monday, January 31, 2011

Beer

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer that I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery, and all their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink all this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

--- Babe Ruth

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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they get up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

--- Lyndon B. Johnson

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"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

--- Paul Horning

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"24 hours in the day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think NOT."

--- H.L. Mencken

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"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to Heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to Heaven."

--- George Bernard Shaw

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"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

--- Benjamin Franklin

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"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

--- Dave Barry

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"Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 300 B.C.!"

--- W.C.Fields

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"Remember, 'I' before 'E', except in 'Budweiser'".

--- Professor Irwin Corey

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"To some it's a 6-pack, to me it's a Support Group:- Salvation in a can."

--- Leo Durocher

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"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that get killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing off of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. The excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks and kills the slowest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weakest brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you feel smarter after a few beers."

--- Cliff Clavern (explaining his 'Buffalo Theory' to his pal Norm, at Cheers.)

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Thursday, January 27, 2011

What Every Woman Wants

Deeper Thoughts

No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.


There are no new sins ... The old ones just get more publicity.


There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.


Think about this... No one ever says "It's only a game" when his team is winning.


I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.


Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.


The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.


Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of Grandmothers running around with tattoos?


Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than in a Yugo.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Blonde Star

Some Deep Thoughts

Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.


If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.


Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Southern States

A North Carolina redneck died and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow. However, she can't touch it until she turns 14.

Folks in Georgia now go to some movies in groups of 18 or more. They were told 17 and under are not admitted.

The minimum drinking age in Tennessee has been raised to 32. It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

In Mississippi, reruns of "Hee Haw" are called documentaries.

How can you tell if a West Virginia redneck is married? There's dried tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup truck.

Tennessee has a new $3,000,000 State Lottery. The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

Recently, the Governor's Mansion in Little Rock burned down. In fact, it took out the whole trailer park.

The best thing to ever come out of Arkansas is Interstate 40.

An Alabama State Trooper stopped a pickup truck. He asked the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver said, "'Bout what?"

Saturday, January 22, 2011

On A Wing And A Prayer

Makes Sense To Me...

This was written by a construction worker in Fort MacMurray- he sure makes a lot of sense to me!



I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit. In order to earn that pay cheque, I work on a rig site for a FortMac construction project. I am required to pass a random urine test, with which I have no problem. What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test. Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare cheque because I have to pass one to earn it for them? Please understand -- I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do on the other hand have a problem with helping someone sit on their ass drinking beer and smoking dope. Could you imagine how much money the provinces would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance cheque?

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Common Sense from Andy Rooney


I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens... Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door.

Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.


I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, that is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts! ARE YOU LISTENING MARTHA BURKE?


I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off.
When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not racial profiling, it is the Law of Probability.

I believe that if you are selling me a milkshake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English!
My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours.

I think the police should have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word "freeze" or "stop" in English, see the above lines.
I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any other business. We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document; and open to their interpretations.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television. That doesn't stop you from watching them. I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building.

It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid; and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say "NO!"


I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me French fries!


I am sick of "Political Correctness." I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa; so how can they be "African-Americans"? Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't go around saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe.

I am proud to be from America and nowhere else.
And if you don't like my point of view, tough... THEN DON'T PASS IT ON!!

New Rules for 2011

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. It's because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket; water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his butt will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper, plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine!

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people’s version of looting.

New Rule: (And this one is long overdue) No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't give a rat's whatchamacallit in the first place.

Something Fishy

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Why The Wife Won't Warm Up The Car Any More.

These pictures were taken just outside Courtenay, British Columbia. Courtenay is a town about 70 miles north of Nanaimo, on beautiful Vancouver Island.







Stress Management That WORKS!

In this increasingly stressful world, we often feel ourselves close to the breaking point. Psychologists at the University of Albion have developed a program which they claim reduces stress quickly and effectively. Here it is:

1. Picture yourself near a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one but you knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the World."

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.


8. See.....it does help.....

Friday, January 14, 2011

The New PASTA Diet

1) You walka pasta da bakery.

2) You walka pasta da candy store.

3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.

4) You walka pasta da table and fridge.

And for those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all the conflicting medical studies:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausage and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.


'Nuther One Bites The Dust

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Church Bulletin Bloopers

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church service.



The Fasting &Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.
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Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

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The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be

"What Is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours
"

Pensioners Need Glasses

Warning: Language Advisory

Monday, January 3, 2011

Three More of Gardner's Best Puzzles

1. An old riddle runs as follows: "An explorer walks one mile due south, turns and walks one mile due east, turns again and walks one mile due north. He finds himself back where he started. He sees a bear ahead and shoots it. What color is the bear?"

The time-honored answer is of course, "White," because the explorer must have started at the North Pole. But recently someone made the discovery that the North Pole is not the only starting point that satisfies the given conditions!

Can you think of any other spot on the globe from which one could walk a mile south, a mile east, a mile north and find himself back at his original location?

2. A young man lives in Manhattan near a subway express station. He has 2 girlfriends, one in the Bronx, one in Brooklyn. To visit the girl in Brooklyn, he takes a train on the downtown side of the platform; to visit the girl in the Bronx, he takes a train on the uptown side of the same platform. Since he likes both girls equally well, he simply takes the first train that comes along. In this way he lets chance determine whether he rides to the Bronx or to Brooklyn.

The young man reaches the subway platform at a random moment each Saturday afternoon, and Brooklyn and Bronx trains arrive at the station equally often - every 10 minutes. Yet for some obscure reason he finds himself spending most of his time with the girl in Brooklyn; in fact he goes there 9 times out of 10. Can you give a valid explanation why the odds so heavily favor Brooklyn?

3. An airplane flies in a straight line from airport A to airport B, then back in a straight line from B to A. It travels with a constant engine speed and there is no wind. Will its travel time for the same round trip be greater, less, or the same if there is a constant wind from direction A to B?

Those who think they have a correct solution to one or more of these are asked to post their solution(s) in the comment section; those who would like a hint or a solution can request same from the Puzzlist.

Talking Dogs