Sunday, November 28, 2010

Christmas is Coming

Relativity Problems

1. If Tom's father is Jerry's son, how is Jerry related to Tom?

2. Can you explain why it is impossible for a man to marry his widow's sister?

3. A big Eskimo and a little Eskimo are sitting on a block of ice. If the little Eskimo is the son of the big Eskimo, but the big Eskimo is not the father of the little Eskimo,what is the relationship between the two?

4. Ellen and Luke are aunt and nephew, respectively. "How can you be my aunt?", Luke inquired. "Although we're blood relatives, we're both the same age!" How is this possible?

5. Brothers and sisters I have none, but this man's father is my father's son. Can you explain this statement?

6. Two sisters are walking down the street. One of them said, "I want to stop by the school a few minutes and see my nephew." The other replied, "Since I have no nephew, I will walk on ahead." Explain how this is possible.

7. A man and his wife have three children between them. The husband has a daughter by a former marriage and the wife also had a daughter by a former marriage. They have a son by their current marriage. What is the relationship between the three children?

8. A young man and his sister were looking at an old photo album. Suddenly the young man pointed at a photograph of a woman and explained to his sister, "This woman's father was my father's brother-in-law." What relation was the young man's sister to the subject in the photograph?

9. As they were walking through their old family home, a man looked up, pointed to a woman's portrait and said to his son, "That woman's mother was my father's mother-in-law." What is the relationship of the man to the subject of the portrait?

10. An epitaph on a tombstone reads as follows: "Here lies the widowed wife of a widower." What is the least number of people involved in this epitaph? Explain.

1. Jerry is Tom's grandfather.
2. Before a man can have a widow, he must be dead.
3. Mother and son.
4. Unusual, but possible: Either Luke's mother or father may have a sister the same age as Luke.
5. A man is speaking of himself.
6. One sister was the aunt of the boy, the other his mother.
7. The son is half-brother to the sisters; the daughters are step-sisters.
8. The mother's brother's daughter is the woman in the picture; she would be a first cousin of the brother and sister.
9. The man is either the son or nephew of the subject in the portrait.
10. Three: the widower, the widower's first wife, who died after she remarried and lost her husband, and the widower's second wife, who died and left him a widower.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Sunday, November 21, 2010

More Puzzles

Is the following set of figures a bunch of numbers, or letters?

Try to add the following column of figures by counting aloud, from top to bottom, and see what you come up with. I've tried this on 2 bank tellers, and they both got the wrong answer, but were amazed when they used a calculator.
A bit of thought, a bit of imagination,and you should take less than a minute to come up with the next figure which must follow this sequence.
Can you find the numbers 1 through 9 in the following drawing?

Context matters. If one reads the 3 figures from right to left, or left to right, the red figure reads as a letter, whereas if one reads the 3 figures in the vertical column, they are seen as a number.

Anyone needing help on any one of these, leave a comment in the comment section.

Passport Control in Gaza

In light of the fascist behavior that Islam has forced the TSA at most US airports to enforce, may we present the level of screening present at Gaza for incoming visitors?


FLASH: Latest news from Israel indicates that they have developed a booth that questionable passengers who object to X-ray scans or personal, invasive searches step into, and that the booth contains electronic and chemical sensors which automatically detonate any explosives found on the passenger's body. The explosion is entirely contained within the sealed enclosure, including the sound so as to not unduly alarm other passenger. This is a win-win situation and seems so simple, it's nothing short of brilliant. Just think, a muffled explosion is followed by the PA announcement that another vacancy exists on El Al Flight Number...

Friday, November 19, 2010

Smoking Kills

Mind Bender #5

1. Supposing you are the captain of a ship and it has 3 red funnels and it leaves New York on a Tuesday and gets to Southampton on Saturday. On the return trip it reaches New York on Thursday. What is the name of the captain?

Assuming you got it... but try it on one person - not a group, otherwise someone will cotton on - it's astounding that you can repeat this over and over again but your victim rarely gets it.

2. There is a rope ladder hanging over the side of a ship. Each of the rungs of the ladder are one foot apart. The tide rises at the rate of 18" per hour. How many rungs are covered after four hours?

3. An elm tree was swaying in the wind. It had eight branches and on each tree branch were eight acorns. The wind blew an acorn off each branch. How many are left?

4. A woman is in The Guinness Book of Records as having triplets in July, and twins in August - of the same calendar year! How could that be possible?

5. Generally speaking, birds lay their eggs in nests high up in trees, or down at ground level. Where do peacocks lay their eggs?

6. A youth said: "The day before yesterday I was fourteen. Next year I'll be seventeen." On what day is he making his statements and when was his birthday? (No, it has nothing to do with Leap Year.)

7. Man has seven neck vertebrae; how many does a giraffe have?

8. You are in the army. You and the remnants of your squad are standing at a gorge which is crossed by a rope bridge. It is pitch black and you have only one flashlight between all four of you. You know the bridge will be blown up in 17 minutes, so you must get yourself and all of your squad across the bridge before the bridge is blown up.

You can get across the bridge in 1 minute. Soldier X takes 2 minutes to cross. Soldier Y is overweight and will need 5 minutes to cross. Soldier Z is wounded and will require 10 minutes to cross.

The rope bridge will only take the weight of two men at a time. One must always return with the flashlight as it is impossible to cross the bridge if you can't see. Whoever crosses always takes the time of the slowest person as he has to help them.

How is it possible to save all of your team and do it?

9. A butcher is 5'10". What does he weigh? Yeah, you can figure this out!

10. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

1. You are the captain, surely you know your name.
2. The same as before, for the ship floats with the tide, as does the attached ladder.
3. The actual answer should be none, as acorns do not grow on elm trees. However, a case could be made that actual acorns were somehow attached to the branches,in which case the answer would be 56 or [(8 x 8) - 8].
4. She had quintuplets, and the first three arrived before midnight on July 31st but the other two arrived after midnight, so on August 1st.
5. Peacocks do not lay eggs. Peahens do.
6. Let's see... This day is the day after his fifteenth birthday, and also January 1st. So he was born December 31st.
7. Giraffes have the same number as almost every other mammal (7), just elongated ones.
8. You go over with X, for a total of 2 minutes elapsed. You immediately return, for a total of 3 minutes elapsed. You send Y and Z over together with the torch, they take 10 minutes, for a total of 13 minutes elapsed. X then returns with the light for a total of 15 minutes elapsed, so you and he cross together for a total of 17 minutes, after which the bridge blows up.
9. Meat! He's a butcher, and has to weigh the stuff before he sells it.
10. Coal.

Friday, November 12, 2010

My Last Trip To COSTCO

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog, and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.

I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

Maximizing Our Transport Systems

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Avoiding Sexism in the PC Era

Men, this will save your bacon when describing women in this Age of Political Correctedness.

1. Women are never "Dumb Blondes", rather they are "Light-Haired Detours off the Information Superhighway."
2. Women are not "Easy", rather they can be "Horizontally Accessible."
3. Women have not "Been Around", rather they are a "Previously-Enjoyed Companions."
4. Women are not "Airheads", rather they are "Reality Impaired."
5. Women do not get "Drunk" or "Tipsy", rather they become "Chemically Inconvenienced."
6. Women do not get "Breast Implants", rather they become "Medically Enhanced."
7. Women never "Nag" you, rather they become "Verbally Repetitive."
8. Women are not "Tramps", rather they are "Sexually Extroverted."
9. Women are not "Two-Bit Hookers", rather they are "Low Cost Providers."
10. Women do not have "Major League Hooters", rather they are "Pectorally Superior."

Ladies, you must speak about men as follows to be Politically Correct:

1. Men do not have a "Beer Gut", but have instead developed a "Liquid Grain Storage Facility."
2. Men are not "Bad Dancers", rather they are "Overly Caucasian."
3. Men are not "Balding", rather they have "Follicle Regression."
4. Men are not "Cradle Robbers", but prefer "Generational Differential Relationships."
5. Men do not get "Falling Down Drunk"; they become "Accidentally Horizontal."
6. Men do not act like "Total Asses." They rather develop a case of "Rectal-Cranial Inversion."
7. Men are not "Male Chauvinist Pigs", rather they possess "Swine Empathy."
8. Men are not afraid of "Commitment", but are "Relationship Challenged."
9. Men are not always "Horny", but rather "Sexually Focused."
10. It's not their "Crack" hanging out of their pants when they bend over. It's "Rear Cleavage."

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Sorta Says It All

The stunning election results on Nov. 2, 2010 were best predicted by this sign:

Illusions 5

Do you see a young girl, or an old hag?

Is the following figure at all possible?

Are the red lines parallel, or do they bulge in or out?

Are the center orange circles the same size?
Are the four concentric circles (made of little squares), truly circles?

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Canadian Passport Application

Actual letter to the Canadian Passport office

Dear Mr. Minister, I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a t.v. cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date. For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have on my social insurance card, and it is on all the
income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight goddamn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is
Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!

I apologize, Mr. Minister. I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my fuckin' address. What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthal assholes workin' there! Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and
get another fuckin' copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60!!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the fuckin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some asshole to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (fuckin' morons) Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off!

Signed - An Irate fucking Canadian Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to
confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 when one of my forefathers took up arms against the Americans.

I have served
in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the yingyang. I was aide de camp to the lieutenant governor of our province for ten years and I have been doing volunteer work for the RCMP for about five years. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST FUCKING CHINA

Monday, November 1, 2010

The Homer in All of Us

(Click to enlarge)


Fifty Years of Mathematics in Education (USA)

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 but I was digging around in my pockets and found 8 cents and handed it to her. She stood there like a deer in headlights looking at the 8 cents in one hand and at the screen of the cash register.

I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her just to give me 2 quarters back and we'd be even, but she felt it necessary to call the manager for help. While he tried in vain to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and slowly started crying.

Why do I tell you such a pitiful tale? It is because of the sad state of math education which has overtaken our schools since the 1950s.

1. Teaching math in the 1950s
A logger sells a truckload of wood for $100. His cost of production was 4/5ths of the selling price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching math in the 1960s
A logger sells a truckload of firewood for $100. His cost of production is 4/5ths of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching math in the 1970s
A logger sells a truckload of firewood for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching math in the 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of firewood for $100. His cost of production is $80, so his profit was $20. Your assignment:- underline the number 20.

5. Teaching math in the 1990s
A logger cuts down a beautiful fir tree in a forest because he is a greedy, inconsiderate conservative who cares nothing about the habitat of animals or the preservation of our glorious woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topics for class discussion - how did the birds and squirrels feel as the evil logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's OK to do so.)

6. Teaching math in the 2000s
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?