Friday, December 30, 2011

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

New American Fighter?

Although still officially Air Vehicle #1 (a prototype in 2006 when these pictures were taken), on board USS George Washington CVN-73 for catapult fit checks, this plane will be known as the FA-37 Talon. It is of course no longer Top Secret, but as yet has not gone into mass production. Some spoilsports are claiming it's just a fake.

Specs are of course highly classified, but it is said to be a Mach 3.5+ super cruise stealth fighter/bomber/interceptor with approximately a 4,000 nm range. Totally awesome!

Check out Test Pilot Lt. Kara Wade in the third photo.

Basketball Follies

I'd just like to know... how many times did they practice this stunt? And what did they promise the girl if she went along with it?

Friday, December 23, 2011

The BEST Christmas Cake Recipe

Tequila Christmas Cake

1 cup Water
1 tsp. Baking Soda
1 cup Sugar
1 tsp. Salt
1 cup Brown Sugar
4 lg. Eggs
Lemon Juice
2 cups Dried Fruit
1 bottle Tequila

Sample the tequila to check the quality.
Take a large bowl, check the tequila again. Just to ensure it is of the highest quality, pour out a full cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
At this point it is best to make sure the tequila is still OK. Try another cup, just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the frigging fruit off the floor. Mix on the turner.
If any of the dried fruit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something.
Check the tequila.
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table.
And a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window.
Finish the tequila and wipe the counter with the cat.


What Every Man Wants For Christmas

Ah! Christmas

Bad Santa

Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer. yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a friggin' book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do?
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream.. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Santa
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay, I'll set you up with a Barbie. Santa
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch. Santa
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica

Dear Jessics
Are you really that gullible or are you just a blonde? Good luck! in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.. Santa

Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy

That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again. Santa

Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Obama Talks to 6th Grade Class

I guess the man's so intelligent that he couldn't take the chance of 'talking down' to his audience, right? Yeah, that's the ticket!

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

School Answering Machine

Having taught high school for 34 years, I feel the love...

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Monday, October 24, 2011

Kidnap Negotiations in China

"I have three demands or I kill the kid."

Negotiators arrive.

Negotiators assess the situation from the next apartment.

Head negotiator is dispatched.

Negotiations begin.

Negotiations successfully concluded.

They spent about $0.35 in foiling this kidnapping attempt.

In our country, we'd shut down the street for 48 hours, take the whole day trying to talk the scumbag kidnapper out of it, then spend at least $5 million giving him a fair trial (to protect his 'rights',) then pay for his food and lodgings for the rest of his life.

Ever wonder why their products are so much cheaper than ours?


Latest Medical Advice

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it .. don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Aren't fried foods bad for you?
YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Is chocolate bad for me?
Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Is swimming good for your figure?
If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.


For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Graph of My Stock Portfolio

Monday, October 17, 2011

Herman Cain & His Chief Critic

You might be FOR him, or AGAINST him, but you have to admit the man has talent. Definitely not just a community organizer, or senile ex-crooner like this guy...

Sunday, October 9, 2011

ISS Design Team

Proof that the people who designed the International Space Station all played with LEGO bricks when they were children:
(cut and paste above line into your browser's address bar)

Puzzle Me THIS

The U. S. Geological Service issued a report in April ('08) that only scientists and oil men knew was coming, but man was it big. It was a revised report (hadn't been updated since '95) on how much oil was in this area of the western 2/3 of North Dakota ; western South Dakota; and extreme eastern Montana ..... check THIS out:

The Bakken is the largest domestic oil discovery since Alaska 's Prudhoe Bay, and has the potential to eliminate all American dependence on foreign oil. The Energy Information Administration (EIA) estimates it at 503 billion barrels.. Even if just 10% of the oil is recoverable... at $107 a barrel, we're looking at a resource base worth more than $5.3 trillion.

'When I first briefed legislators on this, you could practically see their jaws hit the floor. They had no idea.' says Terry Johnson, the Montana Legislature's financial analyst.

'This sizable find is now the highest-producing onshore oil field found in the past 56 years.' reports, The Pittsburgh Post Gazette. It's a formation known as the Williston Basin, but is more commonly referred to as the 'Bakken.' And it stretches from Northern Montana, through North Dakota and into Canada. For years, U. S. oil exploration has been considered a dead end. Even the 'Big Oil' companies gave up searching for major oil wells decades ago. However, a recent technological breakthrough has opened up the Bakken's massive reserves.... and we now have access of up to 500 billion barrels. And because this is light, sweet oil, those billions of barrels will cost Americans just $16 PER BARREL!

That's enough crude to fully fuel the American economy for 41 years straight.

2. And if THAT didn't throw you on the floor, then this next one should - because it's from FIVE YEARS AGO!

U. S. Oil Discovery- Largest Reserve in the World!
Stansberry Report Online - 4/20/2006

Hidden 1,000 feet beneath the surface of the Rocky Mountains lies the largest untapped oil reserve in the world. It is more than 2 TRILLION barrels. On August 8, 2005 President Bush mandated its extraction. In three and a half years of high oil prices none has been extracted. With this motherload of oil why are we still fighting over off-shore drilling?

They reported this stunning news: We have more oil inside our borders, than all the other proven reserves on earth. Here are the official estimates:

- 8-times as much oil as Saudi Arabia
- 18-times as much oil as Iraq
- 21-times as much oil as Kuwait
- 22-times as much oil as Iran
- 500-times as much oil as Yemen
- and it's all right here in the Western United States .

HOW can this BE? HOW can we NOT BE extracting this? Because the environmentalists and others have blocked all efforts to help America become independent of foreign oil! Again, we are letting a small group of people dictate our lives and our economy....WHY?

James Bartis, lead researcher with the study says we've got more oil in this very compact area than the entire Middle East -more than 2 TRILLION barrels untapped. That's more than all the proven oil reserves of crude oil in the world today, reports The Denver Post.

Don't think 'OPEC' will drop its price - even with this find? Think again! It's all about the competitive marketplace, - it has to. Think OPEC just might be funding the environmentalists?
Got your attention/ire up yet? Hope so! Now, while you're thinking about it .... and hopefully P.O'd, do this:

3. Pass this along. If you don't take a little time to do this, then you should stifle yourself the next time you want to complain about gas prices .. because by doing NOTHING, you've forfeited your right to complain.
Now I just wonder what would happen in this country if every one of you sent this to every one in your address book.
By the way...this is all true. Check it out at the link below!!!
GOOGLE it or follow this link. It will blow your mind.

Sooo, let's ask ourselves the chief question which SHOULD BE asked of the current Obama Administration: "Why in hell is the White House so averse to using our own resources and getting out of this economic morass, and intent in bringing America to her knees?"

Shovel-Ready Jobs

The US White House's latest stimulus (Job Plan) proposal is facing some financial constraints and so President Obama has agreed to cut back on expenditures.

The proposal is to lay off Andre.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Alaskan Fishing Story

I've heard of salmon jumping into boats but ... Four Deer were pulled from the icy waters of Stephens Passage, Alaska , by a group of locals on Tom Satre's 62-foot charter vessel.
Four juvenile Sitka black-tailed deer swam directly toward the boat.

Once the deer reached the boat, the four began to circle the boat, looking directly at the humans on board. Clearly, the bucks were distressed. With help, the typically skittish and absolutely wild animals came willingly onto the boat. Once on board, they collapsed with exhaustion, shivering.

Here the rescued bucks rest on the back of Tom Satre's boat, the Alaska Quest. All four deer were transported to Taku Harbour . Once the group reached the dock, the first buck that had
been pulled from the water hopped onto the dock, looked back, then leapt into the harbour, swam to shore, and disappeared into the forest. After a bit of prodding and assistance from the humans, two others followed suit, but one deer needed more help.

Here he is being transported by Tom Satre:

Tom, Anna and Tim Satre help the last of the "button" bucks to its feet.

They did not know how long the deer had been in the icy waters or if there had been others who did not survive. The good Samaritans (humans) describe their experience as "one of those defining moments in life." I'm sure it was for the deer, as well.

Contributed to Puzzlist by good friend Patricia DeLeenheer.

Friday, August 5, 2011

A Tampon Tale - True Story

Tampons to the rescue in Iraq !! Don't worry, it's a good story, and worth reading. It's even humorous in parts. It's from the mother of a Marine in Iraq, who reports...

My son told me how wonderful the care packages we had sent them from the ladies auxiliary were and wanted me to tell everyone thank you.

He said that one guy we'll call Marine X, got a female care package in error and everyone was giving him a hard time. My son said, 'Marine X got some really nice smelling lotion and everyone really likes it, so every time he goes to sleep they steal it from him.' I told my son I was really sorry about the mistake, and if he wanted I would send Marine X another package. He told me not to worry about Marine X because every time I send something to him, he shares it with Marine X.

He said when my husband and I sent the last care package, Marine X came over to his cot picked up the box, started fishing through it, and said, 'What'd we get this time?'

But my son said they had the most fun with Marine X's package. He said he wasn't sure who it was supposed to go to, but the panties were size 20, and he said one of the guys got on top of the Humvee and jumped off with the panties over his head and yelled, 'Look at me, I'm an Airborne Ranger!!!!'

One of the guys attached the panties to an antenna and it blew in the wind like a windsock. He said it entertained them for quite awhile. Then of course.......they had those tampons. When he brought this up, my imagination just went running, but he continued.

My son said they had to go on a mission and Marine X wanted the Chap-Stick and lotion for the trip. He grabbed a bunch of the items from his care package and got in the Humvee. As luck would have it he grabbed the tampons too, and my son said everyone was teasing him about 'not forgetting his feminine hygiene products.'

He said things went well for a while, then the convoy was ambushed and a Marine was shot. He said the wound was pretty clean, but it was deep. He said they were administering first aid but couldn't get the bleeding to slow down, and someone said, 'Hey! Use Marine X's tampons, they're sterile just like the cotton swabs!' My son said they put the tampon in the wound. At this point my son profoundly told Me, 'Mom, did you know that tampons expand?' ('Well....yeah!')

They successfully slowed the bleeding until the guy got better medical attention. When they went to check on him later, the surgeon told them, 'You guys saved his life. If you hadn't stopped that bleeding he would have bled to death.' My Son said, 'Mom, the tampons sent by the Marine Moms by mistake saved a Marine's life.'

At this point I asked him, 'Well, what did you do with the rest of the tampons?'

He said, 'Oh, we divided them up and we all have them in our flak jackets, and I kept two for our first aid kit.'

I am absolutely amazed by the ingenuity of our Marines. I can't believe that something that started out as a mistake then turned into a joke, ended up saving someone's life. My sister said she doesn't believe in mistakes. She believes God had a plan all along. She believes that 'female care package' was sent to Marine X to save our Marine.

Either way, our efforts have boosted the morale of many Marines, provided much needed items for our troops, AND saved the life of a Marine! God bless every one of you for your efforts and hard work, and God bless our Marines, Army, Navy, Air Force and all our military service personnel.


Tough Getting a Mortgage

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Axioms & Laws

Law of Accuracy
When working towards the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.

Berra's Law
You can observe a lot just by watching.

Sattinger's Law

It works better if you plug it in.

Naran's Law
If the answer makes sense, it's wrong.

Cole's Law
Thinly sliced cabbage.

Cole's Axiom
The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.

Grossman's Axiom
Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand wrong answers.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Upcoming Canada Day

This will give you some facts to be a Proud Canadian... eh?

1. Smarties.

2. Crispy Crunch & Coffee Crisp.

3. The size of our football fields, wider & longer and with one less down... plus, we have bigger balls.

4. Baseball is really Canadian. First ever game, June 4, 1838 was played in Ingersoll, Ontario.

5. Lacrosse is Canada's National Sport, and is truly Canadian.

6. Hockey is Canadian.

7. Basketball is Canadian, invented by Dr. Naismith of Almonte, Ontario.

8. Apple Pie is Canadian.

9. Mr. Dress-up beats Mr. Rogers.

10. Tim Horton's beats Dunkin' Donuts.

11. In the War of 1812, started by the Yanks, Canadians pushed the American forces back past their White House. We torched the place, and most of Washington but got bored when the Yanks ran away and hid. So we came home and partied some more.

12. Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany.

13. We have the largest English population that never surrendered or withdrew during any war, to anyone, anywhere. EVER! (We may have gotten clobbered in the odd battle, but we prevailed in ALL our wars.)

14. Our Civil War was fought in a bar and lasted a little over an hour.

15. The only person who was arrested in our Civil War was an American mercenary, who slept in and missed the whole thing. He showed up just in time to get caught.

16. A Canadian invented Standard Time.

17. The Hudson's Bay Company once owned more than 10% of the Earth's surface. It is still around as the world's oldest company.

18. The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown human in under 3 minutes. (But that's more information than we need.)

19. We know what to do with all the parts of a buffalo.

20. We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, Velcro, zippers, insulin, the paint-roller, roller skates, duct tape, the jolly-jumper, air conditioned vehicles, the Zamboni, the barcode, the Blackberry and the telephone. Canada was the first country to have short-wave radios, which save countless lives every year.

21. The light bulb was actually invented by a Canadian (Henry Woodward patented it in 1874.) The patent was bought by a huckster Yank named Edison, who improved upon the design and then took all the credit for inventing it.

22. We ALL have frozen our tongues to some metal thing and lived to tell about it.

23. A Canadian invented Superman.

24. We have coloured money (now being made out of plastic so it is almost impossible to counterfeit.)

25. We invented the Space Arm, without which NASA would have abandoned the space program years ago.

26. Our beer ads kick ass. Incidentally, so does our beer.


27. The handles on our beer cases are big enough to fit your hands with mitts on.


And oh yeah... I almost forgot. Our elections only take one day.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

How True It Is

Click to enlarge photo

A History Lesson

Without looking these up, can you answer the following about the year 1923?

1.  Who was the president of the largest steel company in America?
2.  Who was the president of the largest gas company in the USA?
3.  Who was president of the New York Stock Exchange?
4.  Who was the greatest wheat speculator in America?
5.  Who was president of the Bank of International Settlement?
6.  Who was known as the Great Bear of Wall Street?

These people - all men - were all considered some of the world's most successful entrepreneurs of their day.  Now, almost 90 years later, we may wonder who they were and what exactly became of them.

1.  The president of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
2.  The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.
3.  The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was mercifully released from prison so he could die at home.
4.  The greatest wheat speculator Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.

5.  The president of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself to death.
6.  The Great bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide.


In that same year, 1923, the PGA champion and also winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was one Gene Saracen.  Do you know what became of him?

He played golf actively until he was 92, and died in 1999 at age 95.  He was financially very secure at the time of his passing.  

The moral?  Play golf; screw work.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

DIY Advice

Dewalt has an outright winner on its hands with the new Nail Gun.  The next time your wife nags you into building that fence, just pick up this baby and get to work.  It is fully capable of driving a 16D nail through a 2x4 at a distance of 200 yards, so just get your wife to hold the fence boards in place, sit back in the lawn chair with a cold Bud beside you, and build that fence!  Your wife probably won't nag you for the rest of the week.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Ancient History - Life in the 1500s

The next time you are washing your hands and find the temperature a bit too hot or too cold, think about how things were in the 16th century.  Here are some interesting facts about that time:

Most people got married in June because they took their spring bath in May,and still smelled pretty good by June.  However, they were beginning to develop some body odor, so brides started to wear a bunch of fresh flowers to mask their body odor.  Thus we retain the custom today of brides carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big wooden tub filled with hot water.  The man of the house retained the privilege of using the nice clean water, followed by the brothers, sons and other male relatives, then the women, and finally the children.  By then, the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it; hence the saying Don't throw the baby out with the bath water.

Most houses had thatched roofs- thick straw bundles, piled high with no wood underneath. It was the only place for most family pets to keep warm, so all the cats, mice and bugs lived in the roof.  When it rained, the straw became quite slippery and the animals tended to fall off the roof; hence the saying It's raining cats and dogs.

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house, and this posed quite a problem in the bedroom where bugs and droppings could mess up a clean bed, so people devised beds with four posts and a sheet of linen stretched between them.  This is how canopy beds came into vogue.

The floor in almost every house was dirt - only the very wealthy could afford something else.  Hence the saying Dirt Poor to describe most peasants.  The wealthy could afford to have slate floors, but these became slippery in winter when wet, so it was the custom to spread thresh (straw) on the slate floors to help people maintain their footing.  As the winter wore on, more and more thresh was added until, when you opened the door, it would start slipping out.  A piece of wood was placed at the entranceway to prevent this, and we got the threshhold.

Getting educated, are we?

In those olden days, things got cooked in a big iron pot that always hung over the fire in the fireplace.  Each day, the fire was lit and things were added to the pot, mostly vegetables such as turnips, potatoes, green legumes and occasionally a bit of meat.  They would eat this stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over again the next day.  Sometimes this stew contained food that had been in it for some time.  Hence the rhyme Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.

Sometimes these impoverished people could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.  When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off, as it was a sign of wealth that the man of the house could Bring home the bacon.  They would cut off a little to share with the guests and would sit around to Chew the fat.

Those with money had plates made of pewter.  Foods with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leach out of the pewter into the food, resulting in death by lead poisoning.  This happened quite often with tomatoes, so for the next almost 400 years, tomatoes were considered quite poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status.  Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family members shared the middle of the loaf, but guests got the top, or Upper crust.

Pewter or even lead cups were used to drink beer and whiskey, and the combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days.  As these drunken sods sometimes dropped on the way home from the pub, people passing by would mistake them for dead and prepare them for burial.  They would be laid out on their family's kitchen table for a couple of days while the relatives would gather round, eating and drinking, to see if the body would awaken.  Hence the custom of Holding a wake.

Now England is a rather small country and the inhabitants started running out of places to bury people, so they started to dig up old burial plots, take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave.  When opening the dug out coffins, they were horrified to see a significant number had scratch marks on the inside; they realized that they had been burying people alive.  It became a custom to tie a striing around the wrist of the deceased, lead it through an opening in the coffin to the surface where it was attached to a bell.  Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard for a few nights (the graveyard shift) to listen for the ringing of the bell.  Thus, someone could be Saved by the bell or was considered to be a Dead ringer.

Now admit it, history is quite interesting, isn't it?