Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Axioms & Laws

Law of Accuracy
When working towards the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.

Berra's Law
You can observe a lot just by watching.

Sattinger's Law

It works better if you plug it in.

Naran's Law
If the answer makes sense, it's wrong.

Cole's Law
Thinly sliced cabbage.

Cole's Axiom
The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.

Grossman's Axiom
Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand wrong answers.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Upcoming Canada Day

This will give you some facts to be a Proud Canadian... eh?

1. Smarties.

2. Crispy Crunch & Coffee Crisp.

3. The size of our football fields, wider & longer and with one less down... plus, we have bigger balls.

4. Baseball is really Canadian. First ever game, June 4, 1838 was played in Ingersoll, Ontario.

5. Lacrosse is Canada's National Sport, and is truly Canadian.

6. Hockey is Canadian.

7. Basketball is Canadian, invented by Dr. Naismith of Almonte, Ontario.

8. Apple Pie is Canadian.

9. Mr. Dress-up beats Mr. Rogers.

10. Tim Horton's beats Dunkin' Donuts.

11. In the War of 1812, started by the Yanks, Canadians pushed the American forces back past their White House. We torched the place, and most of Washington but got bored when the Yanks ran away and hid. So we came home and partied some more.

12. Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany.

13. We have the largest English population that never surrendered or withdrew during any war, to anyone, anywhere. EVER! (We may have gotten clobbered in the odd battle, but we prevailed in ALL our wars.)

14. Our Civil War was fought in a bar and lasted a little over an hour.

15. The only person who was arrested in our Civil War was an American mercenary, who slept in and missed the whole thing. He showed up just in time to get caught.

16. A Canadian invented Standard Time.

17. The Hudson's Bay Company once owned more than 10% of the Earth's surface. It is still around as the world's oldest company.

18. The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown human in under 3 minutes. (But that's more information than we need.)

19. We know what to do with all the parts of a buffalo.

20. We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, Velcro, zippers, insulin, the paint-roller, roller skates, duct tape, the jolly-jumper, air conditioned vehicles, the Zamboni, the barcode, the Blackberry and the telephone. Canada was the first country to have short-wave radios, which save countless lives every year.

21. The light bulb was actually invented by a Canadian (Henry Woodward patented it in 1874.) The patent was bought by a huckster Yank named Edison, who improved upon the design and then took all the credit for inventing it.

22. We ALL have frozen our tongues to some metal thing and lived to tell about it.

23. A Canadian invented Superman.

24. We have coloured money (now being made out of plastic so it is almost impossible to counterfeit.)

25. We invented the Space Arm, without which NASA would have abandoned the space program years ago.

26. Our beer ads kick ass. Incidentally, so does our beer.


27. The handles on our beer cases are big enough to fit your hands with mitts on.


And oh yeah... I almost forgot. Our elections only take one day.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

How True It Is

Click to enlarge photo

A History Lesson

Without looking these up, can you answer the following about the year 1923?

1.  Who was the president of the largest steel company in America?
2.  Who was the president of the largest gas company in the USA?
3.  Who was president of the New York Stock Exchange?
4.  Who was the greatest wheat speculator in America?
5.  Who was president of the Bank of International Settlement?
6.  Who was known as the Great Bear of Wall Street?

These people - all men - were all considered some of the world's most successful entrepreneurs of their day.  Now, almost 90 years later, we may wonder who they were and what exactly became of them.

1.  The president of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
2.  The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.
3.  The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was mercifully released from prison so he could die at home.
4.  The greatest wheat speculator Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.

5.  The president of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself to death.
6.  The Great bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide.


In that same year, 1923, the PGA champion and also winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was one Gene Saracen.  Do you know what became of him?

He played golf actively until he was 92, and died in 1999 at age 95.  He was financially very secure at the time of his passing.  

The moral?  Play golf; screw work.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

DIY Advice

Dewalt has an outright winner on its hands with the new Nail Gun.  The next time your wife nags you into building that fence, just pick up this baby and get to work.  It is fully capable of driving a 16D nail through a 2x4 at a distance of 200 yards, so just get your wife to hold the fence boards in place, sit back in the lawn chair with a cold Bud beside you, and build that fence!  Your wife probably won't nag you for the rest of the week.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Ancient History - Life in the 1500s

The next time you are washing your hands and find the temperature a bit too hot or too cold, think about how things were in the 16th century.  Here are some interesting facts about that time:

Most people got married in June because they took their spring bath in May,and still smelled pretty good by June.  However, they were beginning to develop some body odor, so brides started to wear a bunch of fresh flowers to mask their body odor.  Thus we retain the custom today of brides carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big wooden tub filled with hot water.  The man of the house retained the privilege of using the nice clean water, followed by the brothers, sons and other male relatives, then the women, and finally the children.  By then, the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it; hence the saying Don't throw the baby out with the bath water.

Most houses had thatched roofs- thick straw bundles, piled high with no wood underneath. It was the only place for most family pets to keep warm, so all the cats, mice and bugs lived in the roof.  When it rained, the straw became quite slippery and the animals tended to fall off the roof; hence the saying It's raining cats and dogs.

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house, and this posed quite a problem in the bedroom where bugs and droppings could mess up a clean bed, so people devised beds with four posts and a sheet of linen stretched between them.  This is how canopy beds came into vogue.

The floor in almost every house was dirt - only the very wealthy could afford something else.  Hence the saying Dirt Poor to describe most peasants.  The wealthy could afford to have slate floors, but these became slippery in winter when wet, so it was the custom to spread thresh (straw) on the slate floors to help people maintain their footing.  As the winter wore on, more and more thresh was added until, when you opened the door, it would start slipping out.  A piece of wood was placed at the entranceway to prevent this, and we got the threshhold.

Getting educated, are we?

In those olden days, things got cooked in a big iron pot that always hung over the fire in the fireplace.  Each day, the fire was lit and things were added to the pot, mostly vegetables such as turnips, potatoes, green legumes and occasionally a bit of meat.  They would eat this stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over again the next day.  Sometimes this stew contained food that had been in it for some time.  Hence the rhyme Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.

Sometimes these impoverished people could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.  When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off, as it was a sign of wealth that the man of the house could Bring home the bacon.  They would cut off a little to share with the guests and would sit around to Chew the fat.

Those with money had plates made of pewter.  Foods with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leach out of the pewter into the food, resulting in death by lead poisoning.  This happened quite often with tomatoes, so for the next almost 400 years, tomatoes were considered quite poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status.  Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family members shared the middle of the loaf, but guests got the top, or Upper crust.

Pewter or even lead cups were used to drink beer and whiskey, and the combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days.  As these drunken sods sometimes dropped on the way home from the pub, people passing by would mistake them for dead and prepare them for burial.  They would be laid out on their family's kitchen table for a couple of days while the relatives would gather round, eating and drinking, to see if the body would awaken.  Hence the custom of Holding a wake.

Now England is a rather small country and the inhabitants started running out of places to bury people, so they started to dig up old burial plots, take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave.  When opening the dug out coffins, they were horrified to see a significant number had scratch marks on the inside; they realized that they had been burying people alive.  It became a custom to tie a striing around the wrist of the deceased, lead it through an opening in the coffin to the surface where it was attached to a bell.  Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard for a few nights (the graveyard shift) to listen for the ringing of the bell.  Thus, someone could be Saved by the bell or was considered to be a Dead ringer.

Now admit it, history is quite interesting, isn't it?          

Obama Dies and Goes To Heaven

When Obama dies, he goes to Heaven where George Washington meets him at the Pearly Gates.  Washington slaps Obama and cries, "How dare you try and destroy the nation I helped conceive?"

Patrick Henry approaches, punches Obama in the nose and shouts, "You wanted to end our liberties but failed!"

James Madison followed, kicked Obama hard in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson came by and lashed Obama furiously with a long cane, snarling: "It was  evil men such as you who inspired me to write 'The Declaration of Independence'."

The beatings and thrashing continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger and fury at the prostate, socialist, radical leader.

As Obama lay writhing in pain at the Pearly Gates, an Angel appeared.  When Obama observed the Angel, he sobbed, "This is not what you promised me as I lay on my death-bed!"

The Angel calmly said, "I told you there would be 72 VIRGINIANS waiting for you in Heaven.  Why didn't you ever once listen when someone was trying to tell you something?"

Here's To The Future

Japan has again emerged as a leader in the field of computer technology.  
Look closely and try to guess what they could be...
  Are they pens with miniature cameras to take pictures on the sly?
 Any clues yet?  Care to guess again?
Ladies and gentlemen... Let me introduce you to your future:  Pen Computing!
It looks like the PC is going the way of the dodo, and even our laptops will soon be a redundant anachronism.
With the advent of Bluetooth technology, this is the computer that you will carry in your pocket.
These pens that you can carry in your pocket or purse will replace the laptop or notebook computer used by millions today.  All that's required will be a flat surface where the screen and keyboard can be displayed by these pens.
  Naturally, with a smartphone attachment, one can have a full-functioned computer in a compact space that can be easily carried anywhere.


Thursday, June 9, 2011


This is so sad, but true.  By the time you finish reading this entire piece, you will understand exactly what is meant by 'tenjooberrymuds.'

In recent years, with ever increasing immigration into North America, (both legal and illegal), we've had to adapt to the NEW English language.  Phoning for assistance on software issues with our computers, internet service providers, cell phone malfunctions and other daily hassles invariably leads to a connection with a foreigner who likely thinks he/she has a good grasp of the English language... because he/she knows what they are saying, and you are just too stupid to understand their great English phrasing.

The following is a phone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and the room-service operator in any US or Canadian city...

Room Service:  "Morrin Roon sirbees."

Guest:  "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

RS:  "Rye, Roon sirbees!  Morrin!  Joowish to oddor sunteen?"

G:  "Uh, yeah.  I'd like to order bacon and eggs."

RS:  "Ow July den?"

G:  "...What?"

RS:  "Ow July den?!? ... Pried, boyud, poochd?"

G:  "Oh, the eggs!  How do I like them?  Sorry, scrambled, please."

RS:  "Ow July dee baykem?  Crease?"

G:  "Crisp will be fine."

RS:  "Hokay.  An sahn toes?"

G:  "What?"

RS:  "An toes.  July sahn toes?"

G:  "I... don't think so."

RS:  "No?  Judo wan sahn toes???"

G:  "I feel really bad about this, but I just don't know what 'Judo wan sahn toes' means."

RS:  "Toes.  Toes! .. Why Joo don juan toes?  Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

G:  "Oh, English muffin!  I got it... you were saying 'toast'...  Fine, yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS:  "We bodder?"

G:  "No, just put the bodder on the side."

RS:  "Wad?!"

G:  "I meant butter... Just put the butter on the side, please."

RS:  "Copy?"

G:  "Excuse me?"

RS:  "Copy... tea... meel?"

G:  "Yes.  Coffee, please.  And that's everything."

RS:  "One minnie.  Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy... Rye?"

G:  "Whatever you say."

RS:  "Tenjooberrymuds."

G:  "You're welcome."

Friday, June 3, 2011

Friday Pix

Illusions 10

Can you see the figures in Einstein's face?

Is the mask one or two people?

The rose does indeed contain life

Old Mona has quite a lot of company

A lot is shown in the woman's face