New Company Policy

As of November 5, 2008, when President Obama was officially elected into office, our company contemplated regulating a few new policies which are in keeping with his new, inspiring issues of change and fairness. After almost two years of President Obama's regime,we have decided to implement these patriotic changes: 1. All salespeople will be pooling their sales and bonuses into a common pool that will be divided equally among all of you. This will serve to give those of you who are under-achieving a 'fair shake'. 2. All other workers will be pooling their wages, including overtime, into a common pool, dividing it equally amongst you. This will help those who are 'too busy for overtime' to reap the rewards from those who have more spare time and can work extra hours. 3. All top management will now be referred to as 'the government.' We will not participate in this 'pooling' experience because the law doesn't apply to us. 4. The 'government' will give eloquent speeches to all employees every week, encouraging its workers to continue to work hard 'for the good of all'. 5. The employees will be thrilled with these new policies because it's 'good to spread the wealth around'. Those of you who have underachieved will finally get an opportunity; those of you who have worked hard and have had success will feel more 'patriotic'. 6. The last few people who were hired should clean out their desks. Don't feel bad, though, because President Obama will give you free healthcare, free handouts, free heating for your home, free food stamps, and he'll let you stay in your home for as long as you want even if you can't pay your mortgage. If you appeal directly to our democratic congress, you might even get a free flat screen TV and a coupon for free haircuts (shouldn't all Americans be entitled to great looking hair?) If for any reason you are not happy with the new policies, you may want to rethink your vote on November 2nd.

November Elections in USA

GOD HELP THE USA

'Twas the night 'fore elections And all through the town Tempers were flaring Emotions all up and down! I, in my bathrobe With a cat in my lap Had cut off the TV Tired of political crap. When all of a sudden There arose such a noise I peered out of my window Saw Obama and his boys They had come for my wallet They wanted my pay To give to the others Who had not worked a day! He snatched up my money And quick as a wink Jumped back on his bandwagon As I gagged from the stink He then rallied his henchmen Who were pulling his cart I could tell they were out To tear my country apart! ' On Fannie, on Freddie, On Biden and Ayers! On Acorn, On Pelosi' He screamed at the pairs! They took off for his cause And as he flew out of sight I heard him laugh at the nation Who wouldn't stand up and fight! So I leave you to think On this one final note- IF YOU DONT WANT SOCIALISM GET OUT AND VOTE!!!!

Really Big Holes

1. Kimberley Big Hole - South Africa

Apparently the largest ever hand-dug excavation in the world, this 1097-meter-deep mine yielded over three tons of diamonds before being closed.

2. Glory Hole - Monticello Dam, California

This is the Glory Hole at Monticello Dam, and it's the largest in the world of this type of spillway, its size enabling it to consume 14,400 cubic feet of water every second. A glory hole is used when a dam is at full capacity and water needs to be drained from the reservoir.

3. Great Blue Hole, Belize

This incredible geographical phenomenon known as a blue hole is situated 60 miles off the mainland of Belize . There are numerous blue holes around the world but none as stunning as this one.

4. Sinkhole in Guatemala

This photo is of a sinkhole that occurred February 2007 in Guatemala . It swallowed two dozen homes and killed at least three people.

5. This is the famous Rat Hole in Ottawa .

It is capable of swallowing Millions of Tax Payers Money annually, never to be heard from again! It is reputed to contain at least 400 a$$"holes".

Save Our Trees

Dancing With The Stars Winners

Signs, Signs, Everywhere Signs...

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: 'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.' ************************** In a Podiatrist's office: Time Wounds All Heels. ************************** On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals--on Wheels ************************** At a Proctologist's door: To expedite your visit, please back in. ************************** On a Plumber's truck: We Repair What Your Husband Fixed ************************** On another Plumber's truck: Don't sleep with a drip; Call your plumber! ************************** On a Church's Billboard: 7 days without God makes one weak. ************************** At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: Invite us to your next blowout. ************************** At a Towing company: We don't charge an arm and a leg: We want tows. ************************** On an Electrician's truck: Let Us Remove Your Shorts ************************** In a Nonsmoking Area: If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action. ************************** On a Maternity Room door: Push. Push. Push! ************************** At an Optometrist's Office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place. ************************** On a Taxidermist's window: We really know our stuff. ************************** On a Fence: Salesmen Welcome! Dog Food Is Expensive! ************************** At a Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet: miss a car payment. ************************** Outside a Muffler Shop: No appointment necessary; We hear you coming. ************* ************* In a Veterinarian's waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay! ************************** At the Electric Company We will be de-lighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be. ************************** In a Restaurant window: Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up. ************************** In the front yard of a Funeral Home: Drive carefully! We'll wait... ************************** At a Propane Filling Station: Thank heaven for little grills. ************************** And don't forget the sign at a CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP: Best place in town to take a leak ********************** Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck: CAUTION - This Truck is Full of Political Promises

Bird Brain

Only Way To Beat A Speeding Ticket

1. Buy the rocket balloons.
2. Inflate with Helium.
3. Attach to vehicle with strong cord.
4. Drive on freeway & watch other drivers' reaction.

5. Hope the cop who stops you has a sense of humor.

The Real Reason Hillary Lost in '08

State Rivalries

There exist rivalries between many states of the union, as indicated below:

1. In Minnesota they ask why all football fields in Iowa have artificial turf.
Answer: So the cheerleaders won't graze on the grass.

2. In Iowa they want to know why people from Minnesota don't drink any CoolAid.
Ans: Nobody in Minnesota has figured out how to get 2 quarts of water into one of those little envelopes.

3. In Oregon, they ask what you call a Washington State man wearing a suit?
Ans: The deceased.

4. In Washington they ask how one can tell the widow at an Oregon man's funeral?
Ans: She's the one hitting on all the ushers.

5. In Tennessee they ask "What's the similarity between Alabama cars and Alabama formal dinners?"
Ans: Neither have plates.

6. In Alabama they ask, "Describe foreplay in Tennessee."
Ans: "Honey, tell your brother to turn his back."

7. In New York they ask "What does the Maitre d' ask the customers in a New Jersey restaurant when they enter?"
Ans: "Do you prefer the spitting or non-spitting section?"

8. People in New Jersey ask "When do people from New York stand up at a baseball game?"
Ans: When they have to scratch.

9. In Indiana they ask, "Why have so many men in Michigan quit smoking?"
Ans: Their inflatable women kept exploding.

10. In Michigan they ask, "What do young ladies in Indiana call the local house of ill repute?"
Ans: Finishing School.

11. In Kentucky they ask,"How do they take the census in West Virginia?"
Ans: Count the flush toilets and multiply by five hundred.

12. In West Virginia they ask, "What does a Kentucky wife do when she finds out her husband's been cheating?"
Ans: She scratches the sheep's eyes out.

13. In Florida they ask, "What do most drivers in Georgia forget to buckle?"
Ans: Their pants.

14. In Georgia they ask, "Why don't women from Florida have to wear seat belts?"
Ans: The damage has already been done.

15. In Idaho they wonder, "What are a Montana baby's first words?"
Ans: "Please deport me."

16. In Texas they ask, "What's the worst job in Nevada?"
Ans: Being a woman's hairdresser during a full moon.

17. In Nevada they ask how Texans keep the flies off the food during a formal dinner?
Ans: They take a dump in the corner.

18. In Wisconsin they ask, "Why does an Illinois man occasionally need time for himself?"
Ans: So he can make love.

19. In Illinois they want to know "What has 6 legs, moves very fast, andis usually seen crawling out of bedroom windows in Wisconsin?"
Ans: The milkman, the postman and the paperboy.

20. In North Dakota, they ask why a girl from South Dakota has never won the Miss USA Pageant.
Ans: They could never get an evening gown over those horns.

21. In South Dakota they ask, "Why do so many North Dakotans leave school at 16?"
Ans: Because you can only take so much of the Third Grade.

(Excerpted from The Tonite Show with Johnny Carson. RIP)

Medical Dictionary

ARTEBACTERIA - The back door of the cafeteria.

BARIUM - What doctors do when their patients die.

BOWEL - A letter like A, E, I, O or U.

CESARIAN SECTION - A neighborhood in Rome.

CAT SCAN - Searching for a kitty.

CAUTERIZE - Made eye contact with her.

COLIC - A sheep dog.

D & C - Where Washington is located.

DILATE - To live a long time.

ENEMA - Not a friend.

FESTER - Quicker.

G. I. SERIES - Soldiers' ball games.

HANGNAIL - Coat hook.

IMPOTENT - Distinguished, well-known.

LABOR PAINS - Getting hurt at work.

MEDICAL STAFF - A doctor's cane.

MORBID - A higher offer.

NITRATES - Cheaper than day rates.

NODE - Was aware of.

OUTPATIENT - A person who fainted.

PAP SMEAR - A fatherhood test.

PELVIS - A cousin of Elvis.

POST-OPERATIVE - A letter carrier.

RECOVERY ROOM - A place to do upholstery.

RECTUM - Dang near killed 'em.

SEIZURE - Roman Empire.

TABLET - Small table.

TERMINAL ILLNESS - Getting sick at the airport.

TUMOR - More than one.

VARICOSE - Nearby.

VEIN - Conceited.

Greatest Comeback Lines in History #1

*** As a rookie reporter for the New York World, young Heywood Broun was told to interview Utah Senator Reed Smoot.
"I have nothing to say," Reed told him.
"I know," replied Broun. "Now let's get down to the interview."

*** It was no secret that Benjamin Disraeli and William Gladstone were arch political enemies. After a particularly heated debate in the House of Commons, Gladstone, addressing Disraeli, shouted, "Sir, you will come to your end either upon the gallows or of venereal disease."
To this Disraeli calmly replied, "I should say, Mr. Gladstone, that depends on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."

*** Winston Churchill, accused in the Commons with ending sentences with prepositions, said, "This is the type of arrant pedantry up with which I will not put."

*** When delivering a speech, Abraham Lincoln was rudely interrupted by a heckler who shouted, "Do I have to pay a dollar to see the ugliest man in the country?"
"I'm afraid sir," replied Lincoln, "that you were charged a dollar for that privilege -- but I have it for nothing."

*** Having just exited from a restaurant, Robert Benchley instructed a uniformed man at the curb to call him a taxi.
"Sir," replied the man haughtily, "I happen to be a rear admiral in the United States Navy.
"All right then," Benchley retorted, "Call me a battleship."

*** Winston Churchill was leaving a party one night when he bumped into a lady.
"Mr. Churchill," she snootily observed, "You are drunk."
"Madam," replied the Prime Minister, "you are ugly. You are very ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober."

*** When asked to define the difference between a misfortune and a calamity, Benjamin Disraeli said, "If Gladstone were to fall into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. If anyone dragged him out, that would be a calamity."

*** Shocked at the exorbitant prices at a certain New York restaurant, Harpo Marx turned to George S. Kaufman and, while perusing the menu said, "What the hell can you get here for fifty cents?"
Kaufman's reply: "A quarter."

*** Cartoonist Al Capp, creator of the immensely popular comic strip 'Lil Abner', had been asked to give a speech to the students at the University of Florida. After a particularly vitriolic attack on the morals of youth, Al requested questions from the students, asking only that they give their names before they asked the question.
The first student at the microphone paused for silence then said, "Fuck You!"
"Now that you've given us your name," snapped the acerbic Capp, "can we please hear your question?"

*** On the sidewalk outside a swank restaurant, W. C. Fields was accosted by a fledgling actor who commenced to badger him for a handout. Fields listened patiently for a moment, then spoke: "I'm sorry my good man," he said, "but all my money is tied up in currency."

*** A particularly long-winded speaker was delivering a very boring speech on the floor of the House of Commons when he noticed that Winston Chruchill was starting to doze off.
"Must you fall asleep while I am speaking?" the orator demanded.
"No," replied Churchill while keeping his eyes shut. "It's purely voluntary."

*** At a dinner party, Calvin Coolidge was approached by a rather stuffy socialite. "President Coolidge," she said, "my husband has bet me that I won't be able to get three words out of you all evening."
"You lose," said Silent Cal as he turned and walked away.

MENSA Sample Questions

1. This dog, of the "Match" breed, is here shown facing West. Make his face East by changing the position of just two matches.
2. While visiting the ruins of old Pompei, I found a slab of stone sitting upright outside what I was told used to be a bawdy house. It had a weathered message on one side (I suppose in Latin) etched in the limestone. Can you deduce what use the stone possibly had?
3. Find the product of the following:

(x - a)(x - b)(x - c)(x - d)............(x -z).


4. Two flagpoles are each 100 feet in height. A rope 150 long is strung between the tops of the poles. At its lowest point, the rope sags to within 25 feet of the ground. Exactly how far apart are the two flagpoles?

5. I have 2 beakers, each containing one litre of liquid; one holds water, the other wine. I transfer exactly 10 cc of water to the wine, mix thoroughly, and then transfer the same amount of mixture to the water in the first beaker. Is there now more water in the wine, or wine in the water?











ANSWERS:
1.










2. To tie horses to.
3. The product is zero, as extending the algebraic expressions to (x - x), which equals zero, means that we are being asked to multiply 25 expressions by zero, so the product will be zero.
4. Right beside each other.
5. Same proportions exactly.

New Scientific Discovery

The densest element in the known Universe has been found! Pelosium

A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the densest element yet known to science. The new element has been named Pelosium.

Pelosium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311.

These particles are held together by dark forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

The symbol of Pelosium is Pu.

Pelosium's mass actually increases over time, as morons randomly interact with various elements in the atmosphere and become assistant deputy neutrons within the Pelosium atom, leading to the formation of isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that Pelosium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.

When catalyzed with money, Pelosium activates CNNadnausium, an element that radiates orders of magnitude more energy, albeit as incoherent noise, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons as Pelosium.

The true meaning of words

Arbitrator: A cook who leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds.

Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage.

Burglarize: What a crook sees with.

Control: A short, ugly inmate.

Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Eclipse: What an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper: A very clumsy opthalmologist.

Heroes: What a guy in a boat does.

Leftbank: What the robber did after the teller filled his bag with money.

Misty: How golfers create divots.

Paradox: Two physicians.

Parasites: What one sees from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist: A farm helper.

Polarize: What penguins see with.

Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

Relief: What trees do in the spring.

Rubberneck: What you do to relax your wife.

Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does.

Sudafed: Brought litigation against a government official.

(Surely readers could offer a few more of these, in the comment section?)

M. C. Escher-like Art to Puzzle You

Cool art to mess with your senses

How many horses in this picture? Should find 7

Do you see four people?

Look at the middle column.
Where does it end?

NEXT? FIND THE FACES:


THE LAST ONE: FOCUS ON THE DOT!

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE OBJECT?

Questions About Canada

Actual questions about Canada on an International Tourism Web Site, answered by other readers:

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow?(UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water. .

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North . . . oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is....oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget it's name. It's a kind of big horse with horns.(USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

Obama's Brain