This version of Genesis honors the Bishop of Ussher, who decreed that the Earth is not nearly as old as theorized by some, and realized that questions were being asked which created doubt about the bible itself. So adamant was the good Irish bishop that the age of the earth (and the universe) was relatively recent that he set out to pore through the bible to calculate actual ages of biblical persons and their genealogy, back to Adam and Eve. He published his findings in 1654. Apparently this Anglican prelate also claimed that he could trace his own lineage directly back to the Garden of Eden.
Remember the snake?
ONE1 In the beginning, God created dates.
2 And the date was Sunday, October 23, 4004 B.C.
3 The very next day God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. And when there was light, God saw the date, and that it was Monday, and He got down to work; for verily, He had a Big Job to do.
4 And God made pottery shards and Silurian mollusks and pre-Cambrian Limestone strata; and flints and Jurassic mastodon tusks and Pithecanthropus erectus skulls and Cretaceous Placentalia made He; and those paintings at Lascaux. And that was that for the first workday.
5 And God saw that He had made many wondrous things but that He had not wherein to put them all. And God said, "Let the heavens be divided from the Earth; and let Us bury all of these things which We have made in the earth; but not too deep."
6 And God buried all the things which He had made, and that was that.
7 And the morning and the evening and the overtime were Tuesday.
8 And God said, "Let there be water; and let the dry land appear." And that was that.
9 And God called the dry land Real Estate; and the water He called the Sea. And in the land and beneath it He put crude oil, grades I through 6; and natural gas put He thereunder; and prehistoric carboniferous forests yielding anthracite and other ligneous matter; and all these He called Resources; and He made them abundant.
10 And likewise all that was in the sea, even unto 200 miles from dry land, called He resources; all that was therein, like manganese nodules, for instance.
11 And the morning unto the evening had been a long day, which He called Wednesday.
12. And on the fourth day, God noticed that there had been mornings and evenings, and light and darkness for the past three days;
13 But nevertheless, God said, "Let there be light in the heavens to divide day from night," and that was that.
14 And God said, "Let the water bring forth abundantly every moving creature I can think of, with or without backbones, with or without wings or fins or feet or claws, vestigial limbs and all, right now; and let each one be of a separate species. For Lo! I can make whatsoever I like, whensoever I like."
15 And the earth brought fort abundantly all creatures, great and small, with or without backbones, with or without wings and feet and fins and claws, vestigial limbs and all, from bugs to brontosauruses.
16 But God blessed them all, saying, "Be fruitful and multiply and evolve not."
17 And God looked upon the species He had made and saw that the earth was exceedingly crowded, and He said unto them, "Let each species compete for what it needeth; for Healthy Competition is My Law." And the species competed amongst themselves, the cattle and the creeping things, the dogs and the dinosaurs; some madeth it and some didn't; and the dogs ate the dinosaurs and God was pleased.
18 And God took the bones from the dinosaurs and caused them to appear mighty old; and cast them about the land and the sea. And he took every tiny creature that had not madeth it and caused them to become fossils; and cast He them about likewise.
19 And just to put matters beyond the shadow of a doubt, God then created Carbon Dating. And that is the Origin of Species.
20 And in the evening of the day which was Thursday, God saw that He had put in another good day's work.
21 And God said, "Let us make Man in Our image, after Our Likeness, which is tall and well-formed and pale of hue; and let Us also make monkeys, which resembleth Us not in any wise but are short and hairy and ill-formed." And God added, "Let man have dominion over the monkeys and the fowl of the air and every species, endangered and otherwise, and let everything that is in the earth or on it or under it or over it or near it, including but not limited to mineral rights, timber rights, drilling rights, rights of way, easements and eminent domain, without let or hinderance, irrespective of prior claim, in perpetuity, signed GOD."
22 So God created Man in His Own Image; tall and well-formed and pale of hue created He him, and nothing at all like the monkeys.
23 And God blessed him, and God said unto him, "See paragraph 21 above, passim."
24 And God said, "Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed which is upon the surface of the earth. To you it shall be for meat. But ye shalt not smoketh it, lest it give ye ideas."
25 "And to every beast of the earth and every fowl of the air I have also given every green herb, and to them it shall be for meat. But they shalt also be meat for you. And the Lord Thy God suggesteth that the flesh of the cattle goeth well with the fin and the claw; thus shall Surf be weddeth unto Turf."
26 And God saw everything He had made, and He saw that it was very good; and God said, "It just goes to show Me what the private sector can accomplish. With a lot of fool regulations, this could have taken billions of years, foresooth."
27 And on the evening of the fifth day, which had been the roughest day yet, God said, "Thank Me it's Friday." And God thus made the week-end.
TWO 1 Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all in 5 days, give or take; and all less than six thousand years ago; and if thou believest it not, in a sling shalt thou find thy hindmost quarters.
2 Likewise, God took the dust of the ground and the slime of the sea and the scum of the earth and formed He Man therefrom; and He breathed the breath of life right into his face. And he became free to choose.
3 And God made a marketplace east of Eden, in which the man was free to play. And this was the free play of the marketplace.
4 And out of the ground made the Lord God to grow four trees; the Tree of Life, and the Tree of Liberty, and the Tree of the Pursuit of Happiness, and the Tree of the Knowledge of Sex.
5 And the Lord God commanded the man, saying, "This is My Law, which is called the Law of Supply and Demand. Investeth thou in the trees of Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Hapiness, and thou shalt make for thyself a veritable fortune. For what fruit thou eateth not, thou mayest sell, and with the seeds thereof expand thy operation.
6 "But of the fruit of the Knowledge of Sex thou mayest not eat; nor mayest thou invest therein, nor profit thereby nor expand its operations; for that is a mighty waste of seed.
7 And the man was exceedingly glad. But he asketh the Lord God, "Who then shall labor in this marketplace? For am I not management, being tall and well-formed and pale of hue?"
8 And the Lord God said unto Himself, "Verily, this kid hath the potential which is Executive."
9 And out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field and every fowl of the air, and brought them unto the Man to labor for him. And they labored for peanuts.
10 Then Man was again exceedingly glad. But he spake once more upon the Lord God, saying, "Lo, I am free to play in the marketplace of the Lord, and have cheap labor in abundance; but to whom shall I sell my surplus food and realize a fortune thereby?"
11 And the Lord God said unto Himself, "Verily, this is a Live One. I shall name him Adam."
12 And He caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam and He took from him one of his ribs, which was a spare rib.
13 And the spare rib which the Lord God had taken from the man, made He woman. And He brought her unto the man Adam, saying:
14 "This is woman and she shall purchase your fruit, to eat it; and ye shall realize a fortune thereby. For man produceth and woman consumeth, wherefore she shall be called Consumer."
15 And they were both decently clad, the Man and the Woman, from the neck even unto the ankles, and they were not ashamed.
THREE
1 Now, the snake in the grass was more permissive than any beast of the field which the Lord God had made, and he said unto Woman, "Why hath thou accepted this lowly and submissive role? For art thou not human even as the man is human?"
2 And the woman said unto the snake in the grass, "The Lord God hath ordained that I am placed under the man and must do whatsoever he telleth me to do; for is he not The Man?"
3 But the snake in the grass laughed a cunning laugh, and whispered unto the woman, "Is it not right and just that thou shouldst fulfill thy potential? For art thou not comely in thy flesh, even as the man is comely in his flesh, being tall and well-formed and pale of hue?"
4 And the woman said, "Nay, I know not; for hath not the Lord God clad us decently, from the neck even unto our toes, and forbidden that we eat of the Tree of the Knowledge of Sex?"
5 But the snake in the grass said unto the woman, whispering even into her very ear, "Whatsoever feeleth good, do thou it; and believest thou me, it feeleth good. Very, very good."
6 And when the woman saw the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of sex, that it was firm and ripe and juicy, she plucked thereof, and sank her teeth therein, and gave also to her husband, and he likewise sank his teeth therein.
7 And the eyes of both were opened and they saw that they were not naked.
8 And the woman then loosened Adam's uppermost garment, and he likewise loosened hers; and she loosened his nethermost garment and he hers; until they were out of their garments both, and likewise of their minds.
9 And Lo! They did dance upon the grass and ground, and they did rock backward and roll forward continuously.
10 And as they did rock and roll, the serpent that was cunning did play upon a stringed instrument of music and did smite his tail upon the ground in a hypnotic rhythm; and he did sing in a voice that was like unto four voices, "She loveth you, yea, yea, yea!"
11 And they did both twist and shout, and fall into a frenzy, both the man and the woman, and lie themselves upon the ground, and commit there abominations.
12 And when they were spent from their abominations, they did take the herb bearing seed, and did roll it and smoke it, and Lo! - it gaveth them ideas, even as the Lord had said; and they were like to commit new abominations.
13 Now, the Lord God was walking in the garden in the cool of the day with His dog; and as Adam and his wife were beginning these new abominations, the Lord God did stub His Toe of His Foot upon their hindmost quarters.
14 And as the Lord God waxed wroth, and said unto Adam, "Wherefore art thou naked? And what is that thou smoketh? And why art thou not at thy work? For have I not said unto thee that it is man's work to produce, and the part of the woman to consume whatever he produceth?"
15 And Adam and his wife didst look upon each other, and didst giggle.
16 Whereupon the Lord God did wax exceeding wroth, and He said, "Hast thou eaten of the tree whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldst not eat?"
17 And Adam said, "The woman whom Thou gavest to be with me made me do it."
18 And the Lord God said unto her, "What is this that thou hast done?" And the woman said, "The snake in the grass made me do it."
19 And the snake in the grass was heard to say, "The devil made me do it."
20 And the Lord God said unto the snake in the grass, "Thou art a permissive beast; wherefore art thou cursed to crawl upon thy belly, and be made into boots and belts and handbags thereafter."
21 Unto the woman He said, "Since thou hast harkened unto the snake in the grass, which is broad of mind and permissive, henceforth let it be thy lot to be confused and scattered in thy brains, and to be plagued by demons who shalt tempt thee to become that which thou canst not be; such as a warrior, or an extinguisher of fires, or an operator of heavy machinery.
22 "And since thou hast put aside the decent clothing wherein I clad thee, hereafter no garment shall satisfy thee, and thou shalt be overcome with longings to change thy raiment every spring and fall.
23 "And above all this, since thou hast desired to taste of the fruit of the Knowledge of Sex, now let thy very body be a curse unto thee. From generation unto generation, men shall whistle and hoot after thee as thou passeth; yea, and women also."
24 And unto Adam, He said, "Woe unto thee who hast harkened not to the voice of the Lord thy God but rather to her who is thy inferior; for thou wast free to choose. Now shalt thou be banished from the marketplace and the free play thereof; neither shalt thou pluck the fruit from the trees of Life and Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.
25 "In the sweat of thy face shalt thou earn thy bread, and bankruptcy shalt be thy lot; and upon thy back, as a burden unto thee, thou shalt bear Big Government; for thou hast sinned."
26 And the Lord God said unto the man, "Behold, thy knowledge of sex shall be a curse upon thee and thy generations; and thy loins shall be a trial unto thee.
27 "For whensoever thou goest into a public place, then shalt thy member rise up; when thou sitteth to eat and drink among thy fellows, likewise shall it rise up; yea, even when thou standeth before the people to preach to them in My Name shall it rise up, and be a scandal unto thee, and make an unseemly lump in thy undergarments; yet when thou goest unto your wife, thy member shall wither and rise up not."
28 And then the Lord God was silent, and waxed sad, and made as if to leave them there. But He turned, and spake softly unto Adam and his wife, Eve, saying, "Knowest thou something? Mine only hope is this: that someday, ye have children who do unto thee as ye have done unto Me."
1. Divide the figure shown at left into (a) three equal, congruent pieces that are exactly alike. Once you accomplish this very simple and obvious task, try to divide the same figure into (b) four identical, congruent pieces that are exactly alike.
b) 
b)
