Mental Gymnastics #1

These are really easy. If anyone gets hung up, post a comment & someone will help.

America The Beautiful

New American Fighter?

Although still officially Air Vehicle #1 (a prototype in 2006 when these pictures were taken), on board USS George Washington CVN-73 for catapult fit checks, this plane will be known as the FA-37 Talon. It is of course no longer Top Secret, but as yet has not gone into mass production. Some spoilsports are claiming it's just a fake.

Specs are of course highly classified, but it is said to be a Mach 3.5+ super cruise stealth fighter/bomber/interceptor with approximately a 4,000 nm range. Totally awesome!

Check out Test Pilot Lt. Kara Wade in the third photo.

Basketball Follies

I'd just like to know... how many times did they practice this stunt? And what did they promise the girl if she went along with it?

The BEST Christmas Cake Recipe

Tequila Christmas Cake

1 cup Water
1 tsp. Baking Soda
1 cup Sugar
1 tsp. Salt
1 cup Brown Sugar
4 lg. Eggs
Lemon Juice
Nuts
2 cups Dried Fruit
1 bottle Tequila

Sample the tequila to check the quality.
Take a large bowl, check the tequila again. Just to ensure it is of the highest quality, pour out a full cup and drink.
Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
At this point it is best to make sure the tequila is still OK. Try another cup, just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the frigging fruit off the floor. Mix on the turner.
If any of the dried fruit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something.
Check the tequila.
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table.
And a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window.
Finish the tequila and wipe the counter with the cat.

CHERRY MISTMAS!

What Every Man Wants For Christmas

Ah! Christmas

Bad Santa

Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer. yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a friggin' book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do?
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream.. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Santa
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Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay, I'll set you up with a Barbie. Santa
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Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch. Santa
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Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa
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Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica

Dear Jessics
Are you really that gullible or are you just a blonde? Good luck! in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.. Santa
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Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy

Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again. Santa
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Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
SANTA CLAWS!!!!

Got A Flat Tire?

Obama Talks to 6th Grade Class

I guess the man's so intelligent that he couldn't take the chance of 'talking down' to his audience, right? Yeah, that's the ticket!