How the US Government works

The Economy is so bad that...

- I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

- I ordered a burger at McDonald's & the kid behind the counter asked "Can you afford fries with that?"

- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

- If the bank returns your cheque marked "Insufficient Funds," you can phone back and ask if they meant you or them?

- Hot Wheels & Matchbox stocks are trading higher than shares in GM.

- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies & had to learn their children's names again.

- A truckload of Americans were caught sneaking into Mexico.

- Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

- Motel Six won't leave a light on anymore.

- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

- The Suicide Hotline now reroutes your calls to a call centre in Pakistan, and all they want to know is if you can drive a truck.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
The American Medical Association has finally weighed in on Obama's healthcare plan.



The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing..

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.

Now You Know Almost Everything

Q: Why are many coin banks shaped like pigs?
A: Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of a dense orange clay called 'pygg'. When people saved coins in jars made of this clay, the jars became known as 'pygg banks.' When an English potter misunderstood the word, he made a bank that resembled a pig and it caught on.

*****

Q: Did you ever wonder why dimes, quarters and half dollars have notches, while pennies and nickels do not?
A: The US Mint began putting notches on the edges of coins containing gold and silver to discourage holders from shaving off small quantities of the precious metals. Dimes, quarters and half dollars are notched because they used to contain silver. Pennies and nickels aren't notched because the metals they contain are not valuable enough to shave.

*****

Q: Why do men's clothes have buttons on the right while women's clothes have buttons on the left?
A: When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn primarily by the rich. Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons on the maid's right! Since most people are right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on the right through holes on the left and that's where women's buttons have remained since.

*****

Q: Why do X's at the end of a letter signify kisses?
A: In the Middle Ages, when many people were unable to read or write, documents were often signed using an X. Kissing the X represented an oath to fulfill obligations specified in the document. The X and the kiss eventually became synonymous.

*****

Q: Why is shifting responsibility to someone else called 'passing the buck'?
A: In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a buck, from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal. If a player did not wish to assume the responsibility, he would 'pass the buck' to the next player.

*****

Q: Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a toast?
A: It used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy by offering him a poisoned drink. To prove to a guest that a drink was safe, it became customary for a guest to pour a small amount of his drink into the glass of the host. Both men would drink it simultaneously. When a guest trusted his host, he would then just touch or clink the host's glass with his own.

*****

Q: Why are people in the public eye said to be 'in the limelight'?
A: Invented in 1825, limelight was used in lighthouses and stage lighting by burning a cylinder of lime which produced a brilliant light. In the theatre, performers on stage 'in the limelight' were seen by the audience to be the center of attention.

*****

Q: Why do ships and aircraft in trouble use 'mayday' as their call for help?
A: This comes from the French word m'aidez -meaning 'help me' -- and is pronounced 'mayday'.

*****

Q: Why is someone who is feeling great 'on cloud nine'?
A: Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes they attain, with nine being the highest cloud. If someone is said to be on cloud nine, that person is floating well above worldly cares.

*****

Q: Why are zero scores in tennis called 'love'?
A: In France, where tennis first became popular, a big, round zero on scoreboard looked like an egg and was called 'l'oeuf,' which is French for 'egg.' When tennis was introduced in the U.S. , Americans pronounced it 'love.'

*****

Q: In golf, where did the term 'Caddie' come from?
A. When Mary, later known as Queen of Scots, went to France as a young girl (for education & survival), Louis, King of France, learned that she loved the Scot game 'golf.' So he had the first golf course outside of Scotland built for her enjoyment.
To make sure she was properly chaperoned (and guarded) while she played, Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her. Mary liked this a lot and when she returned to Scotland (not a very good idea in the long run), she took the practice with her. In French, the word cadet is pronounced 'ca-day' and the Scots changed it into 'caddie.'

Now you know almost everything!

Tiger Woods Family Portrait

Bumper Snickers #4

1. I have kleptomania. When it gets bad, I take something for it.
2. Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
3. Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
4. Just 2 days from now tomorrow will be yesterday.
5. Bartenders are just pharmacists with limited inventories.
6. The next statement is true. The last statement is false.
7. I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.
8. I am a nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect.
9. Dyslexics have more nuf.
10. I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
11. Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
12. Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
13. Red meat isn't bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
14. I'm having an out-of-money experience.
15. Don't sweat the petty things. Don't pet the sweaty things.
16. I found Jesus! He was in the trunk when I got back from Mexico.
    

You Could Have Heard A Pin Drop

When in England , at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of 'empire building' by George Bush.

He answered by saying, 'Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return.'

You could have heard a pin drop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was a conference in France where a number of
international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?'
A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: 'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?'

You could have heard a pin drop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries.
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped
their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that,
whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.' He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?'
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied 'Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'

You could have heard a pin drop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in
Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on. 'You have been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer asked sarcastically. Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.
Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.'
The American said, ''The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.
'Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France !'
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchman to show a passport to.'

You could have heard a pin drop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on National Public Radio by a typical female progressive broadcaster about his sponsorship of a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military base.

Female Interviewer: "So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"
General Reinwald: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."
Female Interviewer: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"
General Reinwald: "I don't see why, they will be properly supervised on the rifle range."
Female Interviewer: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"
General Reinwald: "I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm."
Female Interviewer: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers!"
General Reinwald: "Well, ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?"

You could have heard a pin drop.

10 Common Sayings

10 Strange Common Sayings - How They Originated

1. Scot Free Many people think that this saying refers to Scottish people being tight with money - hence something being free, but in fact the word “scot” is an old Norse word which means “payment” - specifically a payment made to a landlord or sheriff. So this phrase - while meaning what most people think it means, has no connection to the Scottish people - it just means to get off without having to pay. 2 Fit as a Fiddle This is another phrase where a single word has confused people - “fit” in the context of this saying does not mean “healthy” which is a 19th century definition. Its original meaning was “suitable” - and it is still used in that context in the sentence “fit for a king”. As fit as a fiddle means “as appropriate as can be” - not “in excellent health”. The first use of the phrase, incidentally, was in the 16th century and it was originally “as right as a fiddle”. 3 Another Thing Coming Common Saying: If you think that, you have another thing coming This is a complete aberration of the original phrase because of the sound of English. The correct phrase is “if you think that, you have another think coming” - in other words, “what you think is wrong so think again”. Because the “k” in “think” often ends up silent when saying “think coming” people have changed the phrase over time. Of course, “another thing coming” makes no sense at all. To illustrate how global this error is, when you google “another thing coming” it returns 139,000 results; when you google “another think coming” it returns a mere 39,000 results. 4 Eat Humble Pie This phrase means “to be humble in apologizing for something.” I was slightly reluctant to put it on the list because it actually does mean what people think it means, but there is still a misconception here; people think that this phrase means to eat a pie made of humbleness but it actually means to eat a pie made with umble (pictured above). Umble is an old English word for offal - the bits of the animal seldom eaten today (sadly). It was a pie that was normally eaten by the poor as the finer cuts of meat were left for the rich only. “To eat a humble pie” is an example of metanalysis (words being broken down into parts or meanings that differ from the original) as it sounds just like “to eat an umble pie”. Other examples of this in English are “an apron” which used to be “a napron”. 5 Rule of Thumb People commonly think that this saying is a reference to a law allowing a man to beat his wife as long as he uses a rod no thicker than his thumb. It is, of course, completely untrue. There is no record of any judge in Britain ever making a ruling like this - or any lawmaker passing a law. The phrase actually refers to doing something by estimates - rather than using an exact measure. 6 On Tender Hooks This phrase is very commonly misspelt. First off, what exactly is a tender hook? It doesn’t seem logical does it? Well - that is because it isn’t. The phrase is actually “on tenterhooks”. A tenter was a medieval tool used for making cloth - the tenterhooks (pictured above) were small hooks to which the fabric would be stretched in the manufacturing process. To be on tenterhooks means to be left hanging - or to be in a state of suspense. 7 Take a Raincheck This phrase is usually meant to mean “I won’t do it now but I will later”. This is the commonly accepted meaning (and has been for a long time) so it is now considered to be correct. It is included here merely out of interest because its original meaning was slightly different. Initially, a raincheck was offered to people who had tickets to a baseball game that was rained out - they would offered a “raincheck” which was a ticket for a game at a later date to make up for the missed game. This eventually found its way into shopping jargon in general where a raincheck was an offer to sell an out-of-stock good when it arrived back in stock. The meaning has eventually broadened to a point that it is not an offer any longer but a response. 8 Free Reign This is a spelling error that leads to a misunderstanding - though the meanings remain the same fundamentally. Many people presume this phrase to mean that a person given free reign, has the “royal” power to do anything they want. In fact, the correct phrase is “free rein” and it comes from the days before cars when horses were used as our main mode of transport. When navigating a steep or winding path, one would relax the reins so that the horse could pick the safest path as he was more likely to do a better job than the rider. 9 Wreck Havoc Havoc means chaos - and to wreck something is to put it into a state of chaos. So why would you make chaos out of chaos? You wouldn’t. What you might do is wreak havoc though - because “to wreak” means “to cause to happen”. The two words are pronounced differently - wreck sounds like “rek” while “wreak” sounds like “reek”. It is a small - but common, error. 10. Beg the Question Let’s face it - 99% of people reading this list will not know the correct meaning of “beg the question”, but that implies that the mistaken meaning should really be considered correct through common usage - so let us not fight about right or wrong - I will just state the facts: “to beg the question” does not mean “to raise the question”. Originally the phrase was “to begge the question” and it appeared in English around the 1580s. It is a reference to a question (or phrase) which implies the truth of the thing it is trying to prove. Confusing? Okay - here is an example: “why does England have fewer trees per acre than any other country in Europe?” This is a “begged question” - the person asking is implying that England has fewer trees - when in fact, it may not. Another example is “he must be telling the truth because he never lies”. Decartes was begging the question when he said “I think, therefore I am”. Oh - and for those of you who are used to using the term in the wrong way, consider using “prompt the question” as a correct alternative.

Alternate Meanings Contest

These are the entries submitted to the Washington Post's yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings to common words:

1. Coffee (n): The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj): Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate (v): To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v): To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj): Impotent.

6. Negligent (adj): Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph (v): To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n): Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n): Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n): A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n): A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n): The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n): A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n): A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n): The belief that after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n): An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Washington Post's MENSA INVITATIONAL

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus (n): A person who is both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication (n): The euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts only until you realize it was your own money to start with.

4. Reintarnation (n): Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking up in the near future.

6. Foreploy (n): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease.

11. Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everyone is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like. a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido (n): All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

New Stock Market Terms (2008)

CEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer
CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer
BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET - A 6-to-18 month period when your kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER - What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER - A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION - The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 a share.
WINDOWS - What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
LIQUIDITY - When you look at the stock market postings and wet your pants.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT - An archaic word no longer in use.
DERIVATIVES - The egg that laid your goose.

Acerbic Sarcasms & Put-Downs

For those of you with a mean streak, or those who work thanklessly while others receive accolades and promotions, we offer this short selection of comments you may wish to make to rude co-workers, customers or (shudder) superiors.

1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you.

2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

3. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.

4. Well, aren't we a damn ray of sunshine?

5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.

6. Do I look like a people person?

7. This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.

8. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.

10. Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?

11. I'm not crazy. I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.

13. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

14. I'm not really your type. I'm not inflatable.

15. Stress is what you have when you wake up screaming and realize you haven't gone to sleep yet.

16. Back off! You're standing in my aura.

17. Don't worry, I forgot your name too.

18. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.

19. Not all men are annoying. Some are already dead.

20. Wait... I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

21. Chaos, panic and disorder... my work here is done.

22. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

23. You look like shit. Is that the style now?

24. Earth is full. Go home.

25. Aw... did I step on your little itty bitty ego?

26. I'm not tense at all... just incredibly alert.

27. A hard-on doesn't really count as personal growth.

28. You are depriving some village of an idiot.

29. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.

30. Look in my eyes... do you see one ounce of gives-a-shit?

Men are from Mars, Women from Venus

Women's Thought Processes

Each of these blue balls represents a thought about something a woman feels needs to be done, a decision to be made or a problem to be solved.
A man has only two balls, and they occupy 100% of his thoughts.



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HAZMAT Sheet for WOMAN


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Man-Woman Apparatus

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Engineer's Analysis of WOMAN

HELL EXPLAINED By Chemistry Student

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over!

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY A+.

School Absence Notes

Real School Absent Notes from Parents.

YOU CANNOT READ THESE AND NOT LAUGH OUT LOUD!
THESE ARE REAL NOTES WRITTEN BY PARENTS IN A
TENNESSEE SCHOOL DISTRICT.
(SPELLINGS HAVE BEEN LEFT INTACT.)


MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR'S CARE AND SHOULD NOT TAKE PE TODAY. PLEASE EXECUTE HIM.

PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK AND I HAD HER SHOT.

DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE ECSC's JOHN BEING ABSENT ON JAN. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 AND ALSO 33.

PLEASE EXCUSE GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS ADMINISTRATING.

PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P.E. FOR A FEW DAYS. YESTERDAY HE FELL OUT OF A TREE AND MISPLACED HIS HIP.

JOHN HAS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH TAKEN OUT OF HIS FACE.

CARLOS WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING FOOTBALL. HE WAS HURT IN THE GROWING PART.

MEGAN COULD NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN BOTHERED BY VERY CLOSE VEINS.

CHRIS WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE IN HIS SIDE.

PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY FROM SCHOOL. HE HAS VERY LOOSE VOWELS.

PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD (DIAHRE, DYREA, DIREATHE), THE SH-TS. [Words in the ( ) were crossed out].

PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD DIARRHEA, AND HIS BOOTS LEAK.

IRVING WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE MISSED HIS BUST.

PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING. IT WAS HIS FATHER'S FAULT.

KEPT BILLIE HOME BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT SIZE SHE WEAR.

PLEASE EXCUSE JENNIFER FOR MISSING SCHOOL YESTERDAY. WE FORGOT TO GET THE SUNDAY PAPER OFF THE PORCH, AND WHEN WE FOUND IT MONDAY.. WE THOUGHT IT WAS SUNDAY.

SALLY WON'T BE IN SCHOOL A WEEK FROM FRIDAY. WE HAVE TO ATTEND HER FUNERAL.

MY DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE WAS TIRED. SHE SPENT A WEEKEND WITH THE MARINES.

PLEASE EXCUSE JASON FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD A COLD AND COULD NOT BREED WELL.

PLEASE EXCUSE MARY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. SHE WAS IN BED WITH GRAMPS.

GLORIA WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY AS SHE WAS HAVING A GANGOVER.

PLEASE EXCUSE BRENDA. SHE HAS BEEN SICK AND UNDER THE DOCTOR.

MARYANN WAS ABSENT DECEMBER 11-16, BECAUSE SHE HAD A FEVER, SORE THROAT, HEADACHE AND UPSET STOMACH. HER SISTER WAS ALSO SICK, FEVER AND SORE THROAT, HER BROTHER HAD A LOW GRADE FEVER AND ACHED ALL OVER. I WASN'T THE BEST EITHER, SORE THROAT AND FEVER. THERE MUST BE SOMETHING GOING AROUND, HER FATHER EVEN GOT HOT LAST NIGHT.

45 Oxymorons

About Oxymorons

An Oxymoron is a combination of contradictory or
incongruous words, such as 'Cruel Kindness' or
'Jumbo Shrimp' (Jumbo means 'large' while Shrimp
means 'small'). It is a literary figure of speech
in which opposite or contradictory words, terms,
phrases or ideas are combined to create a
rhetorical effect by paradoxical means.

Top 45 Oxymorons

45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline Food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt Head
26. Military Intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
1. Microsoft Works

Jovial Genesis

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth, and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach; green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds did He create, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

But Satan, using the great gifts which God had bestowed upon him, created Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream, and Krispy Kreme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman was heard to add: "As long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they each gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

Then God created the healthful yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep-fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof. God created a light fluffy white cake and named it "Angel Food Cake," saying "It is healthy and good." Satan then created a tastier, richer dessert and called it "Devil's Food Cake."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might, by healthy exercise lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave them cable TV with a remote control device so Man would not have to toil so onerously changing channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then Satan said, "You want fries with that?" And both Man and Woman replied, "Yes! And Super Size them!" And Man went into cardiac arrest, and Satan said, "Hey, this is good! This is very very good."

God sighed wearily and created He quadruple by-pass surgery.

And Satan created HMOs.

April Fool's Day

Here are 10 of the top April Fool's Day pranks ever pulled off, as judged by the San Diego-based Museum of Hoaxes for their notoriety, absurdity, and number of people duped.

-- In 1957, a BBC television show announced that thanks to a mild winter and the virtual elimination of the spaghetti weevil, Swiss farmers were enjoying a bumper spaghetti crop. Footage of Swiss farmers pulling strands of spaghetti from trees prompted a barrage of calls from people wanting to know how to grow their own spaghetti at home.

-- In 1985, Sports Illustrated magazine published a story that a rookie baseball pitcher who could reportedly throw a ball at 270 kilometers per hour (168 miles per hour) was set to join the New York Mets. Finch was said to have mastered his skill -- pitching significantly faster than anyone else has ever managed -- in a Tibetan monastery. Mets fans' celebrations were short-lived.

-- Sweden in 1962 had only one television channel, which broadcast in black and white. The station's technical expert appeared on the news to announce that thanks to a newly developed technology, viewers could convert their existing sets to receive color pictures by pulling a nylon stocking over the screen. In fact, they had to wait until 1970.

-- In 1996, American fast-food chain Taco Bell announced that it had bought Philadelphia's Liberty Bell, a historic symbol of American independence, from the federal government and was renaming it the Taco Liberty Bell.
Outraged citizens called to express their anger before Taco Bell revealed the hoax. Then-White House press secretary Mike McCurry was asked about the sale and said the Lincoln Memorial in Washington had also been sold and was to be renamed the Ford Lincoln Mercury Memorial after the automotive giant.

--For the 10th anniversary of San Serriffe, a small republic located in the Indian Ocean consisting of several semicolon-shaped islands. A series of articles described the geography and culture of the two main islands, named Upper Caisse and Lower Caisse.

-- In 1992, US National Public Radio announced that Richard Nixon was running for president again. His new campaign slogan was, "I didn't do anything wrong, and I won't do it again." They even had clips of Nixon announcing his candidacy. Listeners flooded the show with calls expressing their outrage. Nixon's voice actually turned out to be that of impersonator Rich Little.

-- In 1998, a newsletter titled New Mexicans for Science and Reason carried an article that the state of Alabama had voted to change the value of pi from 3.14159 to the "Biblical value" of 3.0.

-- Burger King, another American fast-food chain, published a full-page advertisement in USA Today in 1998 announcing the introduction of the "Left-Handed Whopper," specially designed for the 32 million left-handed Americans. According to the advertisement, the new burger included the same ingredients as the original, but the condiments were rotated 180 degrees. The chain said it received thousands of requests for the new burger, as well as orders for the original "right-handed" version.

-- Discover Magazine announced in 1995 that a highly respected biologist, Aprile Pazzo (Italian for April Fool), had discovered a new species in Antarctica: the hotheaded naked ice borer. The creatures were described as having bony plates on their heads that became burning hot, allowing the animals to bore through ice at high speed -- a technique they used to hunt penguins.

-- Noted British astronomer Patrick Moore announced on the radio in 1976 that at 9:47 am, a once-in-a-lifetime astronomical event, in which Pluto would pass behind Jupiter, would cause a gravitational alignment that would reduce the Earth's gravity. Moore told listeners that if they jumped in the air at the exact moment of the planetary alignment, they would experience a floating sensation. Hundreds of people called in to report feeling the sensation.

Office Thoughts

Here are some inspirational thoughts for those secretaries, receptionists and stenos in offices nationwide.


If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done around here.


I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.


I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.


Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.


Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.


Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are that you won't be needing him again.


I don't have an attitude problem; you have a perception problem.


My reality check bounced.


On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger over the escape key.


I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.


Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.


Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.


Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you to death with their experience.


A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.


Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you will never get promoted.


After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.


The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.


You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Math Nerd #3

Each of these has an easily discernible solution, yet most people get these wrong. Proceed with care.

1. The birthdays of two friends fall on the same day, although one of them is exactly 2,555 days older than the other. How old are they?

2. In one year of 365.25 days, how many complete rotations does the earth make on its axis? Round your answer to the nearest whole number.

3. Tom Swift took off in his new experimental airplane and flew 1,000 miles north, 1,000 miles west, 1,000 miles south, and 1,000 miles east, returning to the precise spot from which he had departed. He then took off from the same location as before, but this time he flew only 500 miles north, 500 miles west, 500 miles south, and 500 miles east before landing. Where did Tom land?
(Believe it or not, he did not land on the spot where he started from.) This is not a trick question based on a verbal quibble, and there are no obscure physical laws involved. The rotation of the earth is not to be considered, and Tom was more than 160 miles from both poles at all times. A rough but acceptable answer can be given without any numerical calculations.

4. A seafaring native is shanghaied aboard a tramp steamer shortly after noon on January 1, 1980. Each day thereafter, he makes a notch on a stick to represent a day he has served on the ship. The ship sails in an easterly direction and circumnavigates the globe, returning to its point of departure and freeing the native in his home port. As the native walks off the ship shortly after noon, he counts 365 notches, including the one he made for that day. What is the date? (a) January 1 (b) December 31 (c) December 30

5. A bullet is fired from a level rifle aimed out over the Atlantic Ocean at the exact moment that another bullet is dropped from the same height and place. Which bullet will hit the water first? Assume ideal conditions - that is, no wind turbulence and a perfectly calm sea.

6. January 1, 1901 was a Tuesday. Find the day of the week for January 1, 2001. (The computation for this problem is short and easy.)

7. "Little Joey seems to be growing twice as fast as any other child I ever saw," said his mother. "I'll say," said his father. "Two days ago he was just three years old, and next year he'll be six!" Explain this curious situation.



Answers
Can be obtained by email to hank5@telus.net

Poetry 101

These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a two-line rhyme with the most romantic first line, but the least romantic second line:

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other --
that is until I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar
bowl's empty and so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go to hell."

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

The Boxer's Puzzle

Attributed to the greatest American puzzlist, Sam Loyd, this little gem of a puzzle is both simple to play and complex to solve.

Let's assume two players, Dick and Jane. Jane writes 16 letters on a sheet of paper, in a 4 X 4 grid, then draws a line from A to B, then passes the sheet to Dick for his move. Dick connects E with A.
If Jane, whose turn it is next were to connect E with F, Dick could then enclose the box by connecting B to F, and score "one box." He would then have to connect another two points on the grid and pass the grid to his playing partner. The winner of the game, obviously, is the player who scores the greatest number of boxes.


Now consider the second graph shown. Obviously, Dick and Jane have played this game enough times to become quite expert at it. Let's assume it is Dick's turn to connect two grid letters. If he connects M to N, Jane will then have the right to connect I to J, E to F, B to F and C to G, scoring 4 boxes. She would then have to go again, and connect two more grid points. If she connected H to L, Dick would wind up the loser as he would have to connect any of the remaining options without making a "box", leaving Jane the ability to enclose all the rest, and thus win the game handily.
Remember, two players alternate to connect letters and attempt to score "boxes". Once a player completes a box or boxes, he then has another go before passing the grid to his opponent. The winner is the one who scores the greatest number of boxes.

HINT: To avoid arguments as to who owns which enclosed box, it is useful for a player to place an initial within any box/boxes they have just scored, thus preventing arguments later.
Also note the Game of Slither, presented elsewhere in this blog. Another fine strategy game.