Airline Humor Redux

The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world.

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Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock , 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

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"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f... ing bored, not f... ing stupid!"

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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, Air Traffic Control asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

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There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

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Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.
After a hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

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A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern ... we've already notified our caterers."

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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."


AND SAVING THE BEST TWO FOR LAST:
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.
So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark -- and I didn't land."

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While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move 'til I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

Think You Know Everything?

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.

A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

(* OOps, not quite. See comments)

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for e! ach gallon of diesel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."

There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.





NOW, you know almost everything

Posters You'll Never See

French Rugby

(Click on photo to enlarge)



(Makes a great wallpaper if you lean that way...)

The new British Columbia H.S.T.

(Click on form to enlarge)

Airline Humor

All too rarely airline attendants make an effort to make in-flight "safety lectures" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some examples that have been reported by air travelers.

1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want), passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, so an exasperated flight attendant picked up the mike and announced, "People, we're not picking out furniture here; find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."


3. On landing, one stewardess announced, "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."


4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."


5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."


6. As the plane touched down and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came on over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella, WHOA!"


7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."


8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

10. "Weather at our destination is fifty degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to get them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember that nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used as a flotation device and in the event of a water landing, please paddle ashore and keep them with our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure you gather all your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses behind."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry, none of whom are on this flight."

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the air with, "Wow, that was quite a bump, and I know what you're thinkin', but I'm here to tell you, it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault - it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight over Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it, and after an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant said, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate."

16. Another flight attendant's comment after a less-than-perfect landing: "We ask you to remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. One airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship really hard into the runway. As the airline had a policy which required that the first officer had to stand by the door as the passengers exited the plane, smile and say "Thank you for flying with us," he reported that he was somewhat apprehensive that someone would have a smart comment so he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye. After almost everyone had gotten off without comment, a little old lady limped up the aisle with her cane, came up to him and asked, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no, ma'am," said the pilot. The little old lady looked him in the eye and asked, "Did we just land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing at Phoenix, the flight attendant came on with, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the crew bring the plane to a screeching halt against the gate. Once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of one flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you think of US Airways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airlines flight: "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking area on this airplane is out on the wing; and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane took off from Kennedy, and after reaching a comfortable cruising attitude, the captain made this announcement over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome aboard Flight #293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"
Silence followed for several minutes, then the captain came back and said: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm extremely sorry I scared you earlier, while I was talking to you. The flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of extremely hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

The Lifeguard

Anger Management

Seniors' Annual Test for Dementia

Exercise for the brain is just as important as exercise for muscles. As we age, it's even more important that we stay mentally alert. Bearing in mind that "If you don't use it. you lose it", we offer the following self-test for those over 60 so you may gauge your loss or non-loss of mental acuity.

The correct answers to all questions are at the end of the quiz, so write down your answers to each question, and No Fair Peeking!

OK, clear your mind and begin.


1. What do you put in a toaster?

2. Say "silk" 5 times. Now spell "silk". What do cows drink?

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?

4. It's 30 years ago, and a twin-engined plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you recall, Germany at that time was divided into West Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during this flight one of the engines fails, but the pilots see that somehow the other engine is sputtering and likely to fail also. They decide on an appropriate emergency landing procedure using this sputtering engine but unfortunately the engine quits and they suffer a fatal emergency landing exactly in the middle of "no man's land" between West and east Germany. Where would you bury the survivors?

5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In the next town, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive in Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?








ANSWERS

1. The correct response would be "bread." If you said "toast", learn how to spell Alzheimer now, because it's unlikely you will be able to do so anytime in the future.
2. Cows drink water. Did you really write down "milk?"
3. Greenhouses are made from glass where I come from, not green bricks.
4. No, you don't bury the survivors, only those who didn't survive the crash landing. You know that, don't you?
5. You forgot that YOU were driving the bus, or did you just forget your name?

The MAN Remote

(click on picture to enlarge)

Why? Why? Why?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Email this Forward

My Friends,

My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (CDT) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

Know Thy Proverbs

I've had the following in my files since the early '80s & find them quite instructive. Most young people probably have only a minimal acquaintance with traditional proverbs, but some of my older visitors might find these to be a challenge worth taking up in an idle moment.

To solve, consider the following: "H. W. H. is L." would stand for "He who hesitates is lost."

1. T. H. are B. than O.
2. W. in R. D. as the R. D.
3. A. W. and N. P. M. J. a D. B.
4. An O. of P. is W. a P. of C.
5. H. W. L. L. L. B.
6. The E. B. C. the W.
7. I. at F. Y. D. S. T. T. A.
8. The R. to H. is P. with G. I.
9. A. that G. is N. G.
10. The P. is M. than the S.
11. An A. a D. K. the D. A.
12. P. W. L. in G. H. S. T. S.
13. N. is the M. of I.
14. D. L. a G. H. in the M.
15. The G. is A. G. on the O. S. of the F.
16. S. and S. W. the R.
17. D. P. A. Y. E. in O. B.
18. T. M. C. S. the B.
19. O. G. T. D. A.
20. S. and R. and S. the C.
21. F. R. in W. A. F. to T.
22. B. of a F. F. T.
23. Y. C. T. an O. D. N. T.
24. S. and Y. S. F.

Visitors who solve these might consider posting their solutions in the comments. No peeking!

Application to Date My Daughter

For all fathers of teenaged daughters, here is a ready-made form to submit to prospective dates for your princess. Click on the form to enlarge (and print.)

Magic Squares

Magic Squares are unbelievably fascinating, and have been so for ages. The simplest form of these is the Order 3 format, where the numerals 1 through 9 are inserted into a grid like the one below, so that their sum equals the same, whether they are added horizontally, vertically, or diagonally.The sum the numbers must add up to is determined mathematically, i.e. every number to be used is added together, and the grand sum is divided by the number of squares per side in the grid.

Thus, ( 1 + 2 + 3 + 4 + 5 + 6 + 7 + 8 + 9 = 45) & ( 45 / 3 = 15 ) so each line in the square, horizontally, vertically & diagonally in the finished square must equal 15 for it to be a proper Magic Square. One solution is shown below:
The next level of difficulty would of course be an Order 4 Magic Square, which must have a grid of 4 cells per side, for a total of 16, thus necessitating the use of numbers 1 through 16. Again, the grid would look like this:
If we now add all the numbers to be used in this grid, 1 through 16, we obtain a total of 136, which must be divided by 4 (the number of cells per side), to obtain 34. Thus, each line of numbers must add up to this last total for the completed square to be a magic square.

Of course, one can solve the Order 4 square by the usual trial & error method, but several people have endeavored to find a more 'elegant' solution. One such method is to write the 16 numbers out in sequence, as shown in the box, below left, and then to transpose the middle groups top & bottom, left & right, as shown. Finally, diagonally switch the 4 numbers at the heart of the grid and you come up with a working magic square.

Albrecht Durer's haunting engraving titled 'Melancholia' shows an intellectual struggling with near despair at the complexities of some problem, and a Magic Square of Order 4 is shown on the wall. It is a mirror image of the one above, but has lines swapped and probably was altered to better show the date the engraving was made, AD 1514, as the numbers 15 & 14 appear at bottom centre.

One particular Order 4 Magic square is the 'diabolic' square, where not only is the whole a true Magic square, but indeed any 4 adjacent cells total 34! Very unusual and outside of the reversed forms, quite unique in my opinion. I've shown 4 adjacent cells in yellow, and 4 adjacent ones in blue which both total the required 34, but you can see that all possible combinations fulfill the requirement.
Of course, these diabolic squares may be extended ad infinitum in all directions and many different forms of Magic Squares can be thus created. In the following I show the above diabolic square at upper left, and other examples below to the right, (one in blue, one in green.) Bear in mind that this grid could be extended horizontally as well as vertically - might make a nice lampshade for a mathematician.

The next step in Magic squares is obviously the Order 5,which would fit into a grid of 25 cells and contain the numbers 1 through 25. These first 25 numbers add up to 325, and since the grid has 5 cells per side, the magic constant here would be 65.

I present one such Order 5 Magic Square but realise that a large range of arrangements are indeed possible which satisfy the conditions.
May I suggest you try to come up with one or two of these Order 4 or 5 Magic Squares? I would be glad to hear of your successes, of course, but look forward to some of my readers who can shed insight into the math in their construction.

For the readers who stuck it out this long, the question surely must be if there are Order 6, 7, 8 , etc. Magic Squares. The answer of course is yes, and I can show one example of an Order 6 below, but space on this blog precludes further adventures beyond.


As one can see in the sample Order 6 above, all the numerals from 1 through 36 are inserted in the 36 cells to obtain a constant of 111 for the horizontal, vertical and diagonal lines. By now, those of you who still haven't finished the bottle should be able to calculate what the constants for the upper level Magic Squares are, or indeed, whether they are even possible.

Insults With Class

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison." He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." - (George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill).
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if there is one." - (Winston Churchill, in response).

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang(1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx