Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Monday, June 28, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Airline Humor
All too rarely airline attendants make an effort to make in-flight "safety lectures" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some examples that have been reported by air travelers.
1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want), passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, so an exasperated flight attendant picked up the mike and announced, "People, we're not picking out furniture here; find a seat and get in it!"
2. On a Continental flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
3. On landing, one stewardess announced, "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
6. As the plane touched down and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came on over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella, WHOA!"
7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
10. "Weather at our destination is fifty degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to get them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember that nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
11. "Your seat cushions can be used as a flotation device and in the event of a water landing, please paddle ashore and keep them with our compliments."
12. "As you exit the plane, make sure you gather all your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses behind."
13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry, none of whom are on this flight."
14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the air with, "Wow, that was quite a bump, and I know what you're thinkin', but I'm here to tell you, it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault - it was the asphalt."
15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight over Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it, and after an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant said, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate."
16. Another flight attendant's comment after a less-than-perfect landing: "We ask you to remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
17. One airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship really hard into the runway. As the airline had a policy which required that the first officer had to stand by the door as the passengers exited the plane, smile and say "Thank you for flying with us," he reported that he was somewhat apprehensive that someone would have a smart comment so he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye. After almost everyone had gotten off without comment, a little old lady limped up the aisle with her cane, came up to him and asked, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no, ma'am," said the pilot. The little old lady looked him in the eye and asked, "Did we just land, or were we shot down?"
18. After a real crusher of a landing at Phoenix, the flight attendant came on with, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the crew bring the plane to a screeching halt against the gate. Once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
19. Part of one flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you think of US Airways."
20. Heard on a Southwest Airlines flight: "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking area on this airplane is out on the wing; and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
21. A plane took off from Kennedy, and after reaching a comfortable cruising attitude, the captain made this announcement over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome aboard Flight #293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"
Silence followed for several minutes, then the captain came back and said: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm extremely sorry I scared you earlier, while I was talking to you. The flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of extremely hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want), passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, so an exasperated flight attendant picked up the mike and announced, "People, we're not picking out furniture here; find a seat and get in it!"
2. On a Continental flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
3. On landing, one stewardess announced, "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
6. As the plane touched down and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came on over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella, WHOA!"
7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
10. "Weather at our destination is fifty degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to get them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember that nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
11. "Your seat cushions can be used as a flotation device and in the event of a water landing, please paddle ashore and keep them with our compliments."
12. "As you exit the plane, make sure you gather all your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses behind."
13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry, none of whom are on this flight."
14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the air with, "Wow, that was quite a bump, and I know what you're thinkin', but I'm here to tell you, it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault - it was the asphalt."
15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight over Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it, and after an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant said, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate."
16. Another flight attendant's comment after a less-than-perfect landing: "We ask you to remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
17. One airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship really hard into the runway. As the airline had a policy which required that the first officer had to stand by the door as the passengers exited the plane, smile and say "Thank you for flying with us," he reported that he was somewhat apprehensive that someone would have a smart comment so he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye. After almost everyone had gotten off without comment, a little old lady limped up the aisle with her cane, came up to him and asked, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no, ma'am," said the pilot. The little old lady looked him in the eye and asked, "Did we just land, or were we shot down?"
18. After a real crusher of a landing at Phoenix, the flight attendant came on with, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the crew bring the plane to a screeching halt against the gate. Once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
19. Part of one flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you think of US Airways."
20. Heard on a Southwest Airlines flight: "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking area on this airplane is out on the wing; and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
21. A plane took off from Kennedy, and after reaching a comfortable cruising attitude, the captain made this announcement over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome aboard Flight #293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"
Silence followed for several minutes, then the captain came back and said: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm extremely sorry I scared you earlier, while I was talking to you. The flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of extremely hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
Friday, June 18, 2010
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Friday, June 4, 2010
Seniors' Annual Test for Dementia
Exercise for the brain is just as important as exercise for muscles. As we age, it's even more important that we stay mentally alert. Bearing in mind that "If you don't use it. you lose it", we offer the following self-test for those over 60 so you may gauge your loss or non-loss of mental acuity.
The correct answers to all questions are at the end of the quiz, so write down your answers to each question, and No Fair Peeking!
OK, clear your mind and begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
2. Say "silk" 5 times. Now spell "silk". What do cows drink?
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?
4. It's 30 years ago, and a twin-engined plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you recall, Germany at that time was divided into West Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during this flight one of the engines fails, but the pilots see that somehow the other engine is sputtering and likely to fail also. They decide on an appropriate emergency landing procedure using this sputtering engine but unfortunately the engine quits and they suffer a fatal emergency landing exactly in the middle of "no man's land" between West and east Germany. Where would you bury the survivors?
5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In the next town, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive in Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?
ANSWERS
1. The correct response would be "bread." If you said "toast", learn how to spell Alzheimer now, because it's unlikely you will be able to do so anytime in the future.
2. Cows drink water. Did you really write down "milk?"
3. Greenhouses are made from glass where I come from, not green bricks.
4. No, you don't bury the survivors, only those who didn't survive the crash landing. You know that, don't you?
5. You forgot that YOU were driving the bus, or did you just forget your name?
The correct answers to all questions are at the end of the quiz, so write down your answers to each question, and No Fair Peeking!
OK, clear your mind and begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
2. Say "silk" 5 times. Now spell "silk". What do cows drink?
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?
4. It's 30 years ago, and a twin-engined plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you recall, Germany at that time was divided into West Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during this flight one of the engines fails, but the pilots see that somehow the other engine is sputtering and likely to fail also. They decide on an appropriate emergency landing procedure using this sputtering engine but unfortunately the engine quits and they suffer a fatal emergency landing exactly in the middle of "no man's land" between West and east Germany. Where would you bury the survivors?
5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In the next town, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive in Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?
ANSWERS
1. The correct response would be "bread." If you said "toast", learn how to spell Alzheimer now, because it's unlikely you will be able to do so anytime in the future.
2. Cows drink water. Did you really write down "milk?"
3. Greenhouses are made from glass where I come from, not green bricks.
4. No, you don't bury the survivors, only those who didn't survive the crash landing. You know that, don't you?
5. You forgot that YOU were driving the bus, or did you just forget your name?
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
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