New Stock Market Terms (2008)

CEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer
CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer
BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET - A 6-to-18 month period when your kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER - What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER - A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION - The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 a share.
WINDOWS - What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
LIQUIDITY - When you look at the stock market postings and wet your pants.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT - An archaic word no longer in use.
DERIVATIVES - The egg that laid your goose.

Acerbic Sarcasms & Put-Downs

For those of you with a mean streak, or those who work thanklessly while others receive accolades and promotions, we offer this short selection of comments you may wish to make to rude co-workers, customers or (shudder) superiors.

1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you.

2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

3. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.

4. Well, aren't we a damn ray of sunshine?

5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.

6. Do I look like a people person?

7. This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.

8. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.

10. Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?

11. I'm not crazy. I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.

13. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

14. I'm not really your type. I'm not inflatable.

15. Stress is what you have when you wake up screaming and realize you haven't gone to sleep yet.

16. Back off! You're standing in my aura.

17. Don't worry, I forgot your name too.

18. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.

19. Not all men are annoying. Some are already dead.

20. Wait... I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

21. Chaos, panic and disorder... my work here is done.

22. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

23. You look like shit. Is that the style now?

24. Earth is full. Go home.

25. Aw... did I step on your little itty bitty ego?

26. I'm not tense at all... just incredibly alert.

27. A hard-on doesn't really count as personal growth.

28. You are depriving some village of an idiot.

29. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.

30. Look in my eyes... do you see one ounce of gives-a-shit?

Men are from Mars, Women from Venus

Women's Thought Processes

Each of these blue balls represents a thought about something a woman feels needs to be done, a decision to be made or a problem to be solved.
A man has only two balls, and they occupy 100% of his thoughts.



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HAZMAT Sheet for WOMAN


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Man-Woman Apparatus

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Engineer's Analysis of WOMAN