PUZZLIST

Mental Gymnastics #1

2011-12-30T15:35:00.000-08:00

These are really easy. If anyone gets hung up, post a comment & someone will help.

America The Beautiful

2011-12-30T14:24:00.000-08:00

New American Fighter?

2011-12-28T22:05:00.000-08:00

Although still officially Air Vehicle #1 (a prototype in 2006 when these pictures were taken), on board USS George Washington CVN-73 for catapult fit checks, this plane will be known as the FA-37 Talon. It is of course no longer Top Secret, but as yet has not gone into mass production. Some spoilsports are claiming it's just a fake.

Specs are of course highly classified, but it is said to be a Mach 3.5+ super cruise stealth fighter/bomber/interceptor with approximately a 4,000 nm range. Totally awesome!

Check out Test Pilot Lt. Kara Wade in the third photo.

Basketball Follies

2011-12-28T21:42:00.000-08:00

I'd just like to know... how many times did they practice this stunt? And what did they promise the girl if she went along with it?

The BEST Christmas Cake Recipe

2011-12-23T09:28:00.000-08:00

Tequila Christmas Cake

1 cup Water
1 tsp. Baking Soda
1 cup Sugar
1 tsp. Salt
1 cup Brown Sugar
4 lg. Eggs
Lemon Juice
Nuts
2 cups Dried Fruit
1 bottle Tequila

Sample the tequila to check the quality.
Take a large bowl, check the tequila again. Just to ensure it is of the highest quality, pour out a full cup and drink.
Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
At this point it is best to make sure the tequila is still OK. Try another cup, just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the frigging fruit off the floor. Mix on the turner.
If any of the dried fruit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something.
Check the tequila.
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table.
And a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window.
Finish the tequila and wipe the counter with the cat.

CHERRY MISTMAS!

What Every Man Wants For Christmas

2011-12-23T09:18:00.000-08:00

Ah! Christmas

2011-12-23T09:04:00.000-08:00

Bad Santa

2011-12-23T08:49:00.000-08:00

Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer. yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a friggin' book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa
__________________________________________________________

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
____________________________________________________________

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do?
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream.. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Santa
__________________________________________________________
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay, I'll set you up with a Barbie. Santa
___________________________________________________________
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch. Santa
____________________________________________________________
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa
____________________________________________________________

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica

Dear Jessics
Are you really that gullible or are you just a blonde? Good luck! in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.. Santa
_____________________________________________________________

Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy

Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again. Santa
_____________________________________________________________

Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
SANTA CLAWS!!!!

Got A Flat Tire?

2011-12-07T20:19:00.000-08:00

Obama Talks to 6th Grade Class

2011-12-01T09:45:00.000-08:00

I guess the man's so intelligent that he couldn't take the chance of 'talking down' to his audience, right? Yeah, that's the ticket!

School Answering Machine

2011-11-16T18:34:00.000-08:00

Having taught high school for 34 years, I feel the love...

Skidboot, an Amazing Dog

2011-11-14T12:52:00.000-08:00

Dog Owners

2011-11-03T15:56:00.001-07:00

Heh. All too true!

Happy Hallowe'en

2011-10-31T16:15:00.000-07:00

Puzzle Me THIS

2011-10-28T23:27:00.000-07:00

Hillbilly Overalls

2011-10-28T23:21:00.001-07:00

Stylish and functional for the man in your life.

Kidnap Negotiations in China

2011-10-24T19:48:00.000-07:00

"I have three demands or I kill the kid."

Negotiators arrive.

Negotiators assess the situation from the next apartment.

Head negotiator is dispatched.

Negotiations begin.

Negotiations successfully concluded.

They spent about $0.35 in foiling this kidnapping attempt.

In our country, we'd shut down the street for 48 hours, take the whole day trying to talk the scumbag kidnapper out of it, then spend at least $5 million giving him a fair trial (to protect his 'rights',) then pay for his food and lodgings for the rest of his life.

Ever wonder why their products are so much cheaper than ours?

Retirement

2011-10-24T19:24:00.001-07:00

Latest Medical Advice

2011-10-24T19:19:00.000-07:00

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it .. don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Graph of My Stock Portfolio

2011-10-24T19:10:00.000-07:00

Herman Cain & His Chief Critic

2011-10-17T19:32:00.000-07:00

You might be FOR him, or AGAINST him, but you have to admit the man has talent. Definitely not just a community organizer, or senile ex-crooner like this guy...

ISS Design Team

2011-10-09T23:18:00.000-07:00

Proof that the people who designed the International Space Station all played with LEGO bricks when they were children:

http://i.usatoday.net/tech/graphics/iss_timeline/flash.htm
(cut and paste above line into your browser's address bar)

Puzzle Me THIS

2011-10-09T16:46:00.000-07:00

The U. S. Geological Service issued a report in April ('08) that only scientists and oil men knew was coming, but man was it big. It was a revised report (hadn't been updated since '95) on how much oil was in this area of the western 2/3 of North Dakota ; western South Dakota; and extreme eastern Montana ..... check THIS out:

The Bakken is the largest domestic oil discovery since Alaska 's Prudhoe Bay, and has the potential to eliminate all American dependence on foreign oil. The Energy Information Administration (EIA) estimates it at 503 billion barrels.. Even if just 10% of the oil is recoverable... at $107 a barrel, we're looking at a resource base worth more than $5.3 trillion.

'When I first briefed legislators on this, you could practically see their jaws hit the floor. They had no idea.' says Terry Johnson, the Montana Legislature's financial analyst.

'This sizable find is now the highest-producing onshore oil field found in the past 56 years.' reports, The Pittsburgh Post Gazette. It's a formation known as the Williston Basin, but is more commonly referred to as the 'Bakken.' And it stretches from Northern Montana, through North Dakota and into Canada. For years, U. S. oil exploration has been considered a dead end. Even the 'Big Oil' companies gave up searching for major oil wells decades ago. However, a recent technological breakthrough has opened up the Bakken's massive reserves.... and we now have access of up to 500 billion barrels. And because this is light, sweet oil, those billions of barrels will cost Americans just $16 PER BARREL!

That's enough crude to fully fuel the American economy for 41 years straight.

2. And if THAT didn't throw you on the floor, then this next one should - because it's from FIVE YEARS AGO!

U. S. Oil Discovery- Largest Reserve in the World!
Stansberry Report Online - 4/20/2006

Hidden 1,000 feet beneath the surface of the Rocky Mountains lies the largest untapped oil reserve in the world. It is more than 2 TRILLION barrels. On August 8, 2005 President Bush mandated its extraction. In three and a half years of high oil prices none has been extracted. With this motherload of oil why are we still fighting over off-shore drilling?

They reported this stunning news: We have more oil inside our borders, than all the other proven reserves on earth. Here are the official estimates:

- 8-times as much oil as Saudi Arabia
- 18-times as much oil as Iraq
- 21-times as much oil as Kuwait
- 22-times as much oil as Iran
- 500-times as much oil as Yemen
- and it's all right here in the Western United States .

HOW can this BE? HOW can we NOT BE extracting this? Because the environmentalists and others have blocked all efforts to help America become independent of foreign oil! Again, we are letting a small group of people dictate our lives and our economy....WHY?

James Bartis, lead researcher with the study says we've got more oil in this very compact area than the entire Middle East -more than 2 TRILLION barrels untapped. That's more than all the proven oil reserves of crude oil in the world today, reports The Denver Post.

Don't think 'OPEC' will drop its price - even with this find? Think again! It's all about the competitive marketplace, - it has to. Think OPEC just might be funding the environmentalists?
Got your attention/ire up yet? Hope so! Now, while you're thinking about it .... and hopefully P.O'd, do this:

3. Pass this along. If you don't take a little time to do this, then you should stifle yourself the next time you want to complain about gas prices .. because by doing NOTHING, you've forfeited your right to complain.
--------
Now I just wonder what would happen in this country if every one of you sent this to every one in your address book.
By the way...this is all true. Check it out at the link below!!!
GOOGLE it or follow this link. It will blow your mind.
http://www.usgs.gov/newsroom/article.asp?ID=1911

Sooo, let's ask ourselves the chief question which SHOULD BE asked of the current Obama Administration: "Why in hell is the White House so averse to using our own resources and getting out of this economic morass, and intent in bringing America to her knees?"

Shovel-Ready Jobs

2011-10-09T16:27:00.001-07:00

The US White House's latest stimulus (Job Plan) proposal is facing some financial constraints and so President Obama has agreed to cut back on expenditures.

The proposal is to lay off Andre.

Priest Off

2011-10-06T13:34:00.000-07:00

Found in Doctor's Office

2011-10-06T13:19:00.000-07:00

On a recent visit I had to make to my Urologist I noticed the light switch cover in the waiting room, which I found quite amusing:
Once Doctor Quan came in for our consultation, I told him that I liked his sense of humor with the light switch. He immediately replied, "Yes, but if the light stays on for more than four hours, we have to call in the erectrician."

You Know You're A Redneck When...

2011-10-06T13:12:00.000-07:00

You think this is how your hedge should be trimmed

Alaskan Fishing Story

2011-09-20T21:15:00.000-07:00

I've heard of salmon jumping into boats but ... Four Deer were pulled from the icy waters of Stephens Passage, Alaska , by a group of locals on Tom Satre's 62-foot charter vessel.
Four juvenile Sitka black-tailed deer swam directly toward the boat.

Once the deer reached the boat, the four began to circle the boat, looking directly at the humans on board. Clearly, the bucks were distressed. With help, the typically skittish and absolutely wild animals came willingly onto the boat. Once on board, they collapsed with exhaustion, shivering.

Here the rescued bucks rest on the back of Tom Satre's boat, the Alaska Quest. All four deer were transported to Taku Harbour . Once the group reached the dock, the first buck that had
been pulled from the water hopped onto the dock, looked back, then leapt into the harbour, swam to shore, and disappeared into the forest. After a bit of prodding and assistance from the humans, two others followed suit, but one deer needed more help.

Here he is being transported by Tom Satre:

Tom, Anna and Tim Satre help the last of the "button" bucks to its feet.

They did not know how long the deer had been in the icy waters or if there had been others who did not survive. The good Samaritans (humans) describe their experience as "one of those defining moments in life." I'm sure it was for the deer, as well.

Contributed to Puzzlist by good friend Patricia DeLeenheer.

Climate Change Debate

2011-09-10T08:43:00.000-07:00

A Tampon Tale - True Story

2011-08-05T16:48:00.000-07:00

Tampons to the rescue in Iraq !! Don't worry, it's a good story, and worth reading. It's even humorous in parts. It's from the mother of a Marine in Iraq, who reports...

My son told me how wonderful the care packages we had sent them from the ladies auxiliary were and wanted me to tell everyone thank you.

He said that one guy we'll call Marine X, got a female care package in error and everyone was giving him a hard time. My son said, 'Marine X got some really nice smelling lotion and everyone really likes it, so every time he goes to sleep they steal it from him.' I told my son I was really sorry about the mistake, and if he wanted I would send Marine X another package. He told me not to worry about Marine X because every time I send something to him, he shares it with Marine X.

He said when my husband and I sent the last care package, Marine X came over to his cot picked up the box, started fishing through it, and said, 'What'd we get this time?'

But my son said they had the most fun with Marine X's package. He said he wasn't sure who it was supposed to go to, but the panties were size 20, and he said one of the guys got on top of the Humvee and jumped off with the panties over his head and yelled, 'Look at me, I'm an Airborne Ranger!!!!'

One of the guys attached the panties to an antenna and it blew in the wind like a windsock. He said it entertained them for quite awhile. Then of course.......they had those tampons. When he brought this up, my imagination just went running, but he continued.

My son said they had to go on a mission and Marine X wanted the Chap-Stick and lotion for the trip. He grabbed a bunch of the items from his care package and got in the Humvee. As luck would have it he grabbed the tampons too, and my son said everyone was teasing him about 'not forgetting his feminine hygiene products.'

He said things went well for a while, then the convoy was ambushed and a Marine was shot. He said the wound was pretty clean, but it was deep. He said they were administering first aid but couldn't get the bleeding to slow down, and someone said, 'Hey! Use Marine X's tampons, they're sterile just like the cotton swabs!' My son said they put the tampon in the wound. At this point my son profoundly told Me, 'Mom, did you know that tampons expand?' ('Well....yeah!')

They successfully slowed the bleeding until the guy got better medical attention. When they went to check on him later, the surgeon told them, 'You guys saved his life. If you hadn't stopped that bleeding he would have bled to death.' My Son said, 'Mom, the tampons sent by the Marine Moms by mistake saved a Marine's life.'

At this point I asked him, 'Well, what did you do with the rest of the tampons?'

He said, 'Oh, we divided them up and we all have them in our flak jackets, and I kept two for our first aid kit.'

I am absolutely amazed by the ingenuity of our Marines. I can't believe that something that started out as a mistake then turned into a joke, ended up saving someone's life. My sister said she doesn't believe in mistakes. She believes God had a plan all along. She believes that 'female care package' was sent to Marine X to save our Marine.

Either way, our efforts have boosted the morale of many Marines, provided much needed items for our troops, AND saved the life of a Marine! God bless every one of you for your efforts and hard work, and God bless our Marines, Army, Navy, Air Force and all our military service personnel.

GOD BLESS AMERICA AND KEEP IT SAFE!

Tough Getting a Mortgage

2011-08-05T15:09:00.000-07:00

Dog Compilation

2011-07-29T14:32:00.000-07:00

Axioms & Laws

2011-06-28T12:06:00.000-07:00

Law of Accuracy
When working towards the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.

Berra's Law
You can observe a lot just by watching.

Sattinger's Law
It works better if you plug it in.

Naran's Law
If the answer makes sense, it's wrong.

Cole's Law
Thinly sliced cabbage.

Cole's Axiom
The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.

Grossman's Axiom
Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand wrong answers.

Upcoming Canada Day

2011-06-26T09:56:00.001-07:00

This will give you some facts to be a Proud Canadian... eh?

1. Smarties.

2. Crispy Crunch & Coffee Crisp.

3. The size of our football fields, wider & longer and with one less down... plus, we have bigger balls.

4. Baseball is really Canadian. First ever game, June 4, 1838 was played in Ingersoll, Ontario.

5. Lacrosse is Canada's National Sport, and is truly Canadian.

6. Hockey is Canadian.

7. Basketball is Canadian, invented by Dr. Naismith of Almonte, Ontario.

8. Apple Pie is Canadian.

9. Mr. Dress-up beats Mr. Rogers.

10. Tim Horton's beats Dunkin' Donuts.

11. In the War of 1812, started by the Yanks, Canadians pushed the American forces back past their White House. We torched the place, and most of Washington but got bored when the Yanks ran away and hid. So we came home and partied some more.

12. Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany.

13. We have the largest English population that never surrendered or withdrew during any war, to anyone, anywhere. EVER! (We may have gotten clobbered in the odd battle, but we prevailed in ALL our wars.)

14. Our Civil War was fought in a bar and lasted a little over an hour.

15. The only person who was arrested in our Civil War was an American mercenary, who slept in and missed the whole thing. He showed up just in time to get caught.

16. A Canadian invented Standard Time.

17. The Hudson's Bay Company once owned more than 10% of the Earth's surface. It is still around as the world's oldest company.

18. The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown human in under 3 minutes. (But that's more information than we need.)

19. We know what to do with all the parts of a buffalo.

20. We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, Velcro, zippers, insulin, the paint-roller, roller skates, duct tape, the jolly-jumper, air conditioned vehicles, the Zamboni, the barcode, the Blackberry and the telephone. Canada was the first country to have short-wave radios, which save countless lives every year.

21. The light bulb was actually invented by a Canadian (Henry Woodward patented it in 1874.) The patent was bought by a huckster Yank named Edison, who improved upon the design and then took all the credit for inventing it.

22. We ALL have frozen our tongues to some metal thing and lived to tell about it.

23. A Canadian invented Superman.

24. We have coloured money (now being made out of plastic so it is almost impossible to counterfeit.)

25. We invented the Space Arm, without which NASA would have abandoned the space program years ago.

26. Our beer ads kick ass. Incidentally, so does our beer.

BUT MOST IMPORTANT...

27. The handles on our beer cases are big enough to fit your hands with mitts on.

HAPPY CANADA DAY

And oh yeah... I almost forgot. Our elections only take one day.

Is This Even REMOTELY Possible?

2011-06-24T08:26:00.000-07:00

How True It Is

2011-06-23T17:18:00.000-07:00

Click to enlarge photo

A History Lesson

2011-06-23T17:02:00.000-07:00

Without looking these up, can you answer the following about the year 1923?

1. Who was the president of the largest steel company in America?
2. Who was the president of the largest gas company in the USA?
3. Who was president of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Who was the greatest wheat speculator in America?
5. Who was president of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Who was known as the Great Bear of Wall Street?

These people - all men - were all considered some of the world's most successful entrepreneurs of their day. Now, almost 90 years later, we may wonder who they were and what exactly became of them.

1. The president of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was mercifully released from prison so he could die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.

5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself to death.
6. The Great bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide.

However...

In that same year, 1923, the PGA champion and also winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was one Gene Saracen. Do you know what became of him?

He played golf actively until he was 92, and died in 1999 at age 95. He was financially very secure at the time of his passing.

The moral? Play golf; screw work.

DIY Advice

2011-06-22T20:22:00.000-07:00

Dewalt has an outright winner on its hands with the new Nail Gun. The next time your wife nags you into building that fence, just pick up this baby and get to work. It is fully capable of driving a 16D nail through a 2x4 at a distance of 200 yards, so just get your wife to hold the fence boards in place, sit back in the lawn chair with a cold Bud beside you, and build that fence! Your wife probably won't nag you for the rest of the week.

Chance of Rain?

2011-06-19T11:58:00.000-07:00

Who Let The Elk In?

2011-06-17T22:30:00.001-07:00

Ancient History - Life in the 1500s

2011-06-15T21:14:00.000-07:00

The next time you are washing your hands and find the temperature a bit too hot or too cold, think about how things were in the 16th century. Here are some interesting facts about that time:

Most people got married in June because they took their spring bath in May,and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were beginning to develop some body odor, so brides started to wear a bunch of fresh flowers to mask their body odor. Thus we retain the custom today of brides carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big wooden tub filled with hot water. The man of the house retained the privilege of using the nice clean water, followed by the brothers, sons and other male relatives, then the women, and finally the children. By then, the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it; hence the saying Don't throw the baby out with the bath water.

Most houses had thatched roofs- thick straw bundles, piled high with no wood underneath. It was the only place for most family pets to keep warm, so all the cats, mice and bugs lived in the roof. When it rained, the straw became quite slippery and the animals tended to fall off the roof; hence the saying It's raining cats and dogs.

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house, and this posed quite a problem in the bedroom where bugs and droppings could mess up a clean bed, so people devised beds with four posts and a sheet of linen stretched between them. This is how canopy beds came into vogue.

The floor in almost every house was dirt - only the very wealthy could afford something else. Hence the saying Dirt Poor to describe most peasants. The wealthy could afford to have slate floors, but these became slippery in winter when wet, so it was the custom to spread thresh (straw) on the slate floors to help people maintain their footing. As the winter wore on, more and more thresh was added until, when you opened the door, it would start slipping out. A piece of wood was placed at the entranceway to prevent this, and we got the threshhold.

Getting educated, are we?

In those olden days, things got cooked in a big iron pot that always hung over the fire in the fireplace. Each day, the fire was lit and things were added to the pot, mostly vegetables such as turnips, potatoes, green legumes and occasionally a bit of meat. They would eat this stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over again the next day. Sometimes this stew contained food that had been in it for some time. Hence the rhyme Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.

Sometimes these impoverished people could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off, as it was a sign of wealth that the man of the house could Bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with the guests and would sit around to Chew the fat.

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Foods with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leach out of the pewter into the food, resulting in death by lead poisoning. This happened quite often with tomatoes, so for the next almost 400 years, tomatoes were considered quite poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family members shared the middle of the loaf, but guests got the top, or Upper crust.

Pewter or even lead cups were used to drink beer and whiskey, and the combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. As these drunken sods sometimes dropped on the way home from the pub, people passing by would mistake them for dead and prepare them for burial. They would be laid out on their family's kitchen table for a couple of days while the relatives would gather round, eating and drinking, to see if the body would awaken. Hence the custom of Holding a wake.

Now England is a rather small country and the inhabitants started running out of places to bury people, so they started to dig up old burial plots, take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When opening the dug out coffins, they were horrified to see a significant number had scratch marks on the inside; they realized that they had been burying people alive. It became a custom to tie a striing around the wrist of the deceased, lead it through an opening in the coffin to the surface where it was attached to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard for a few nights (the graveyard shift) to listen for the ringing of the bell. Thus, someone could be Saved by the bell or was considered to be a Dead ringer.

Now admit it, history is quite interesting, isn't it?

Obama Dies and Goes To Heaven

2011-06-15T12:54:00.000-07:00

When Obama dies, he goes to Heaven where George Washington meets him at the Pearly Gates. Washington slaps Obama and cries, "How dare you try and destroy the nation I helped conceive?"

Patrick Henry approaches, punches Obama in the nose and shouts, "You wanted to end our liberties but failed!"

James Madison followed, kicked Obama hard in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson came by and lashed Obama furiously with a long cane, snarling: "It was evil men such as you who inspired me to write 'The Declaration of Independence'."

The beatings and thrashing continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger and fury at the prostate, socialist, radical leader.

As Obama lay writhing in pain at the Pearly Gates, an Angel appeared. When Obama observed the Angel, he sobbed, "This is not what you promised me as I lay on my death-bed!"

The Angel calmly said, "I told you there would be 72 VIRGINIANS waiting for you in Heaven. Why didn't you ever once listen when someone was trying to tell you something?"

Here's To The Future

2011-06-15T08:55:00.000-07:00

Japan has again emerged as a leader in the field of computer technology.

Look closely and try to guess what they could be...

Are they pens with miniature cameras to take pictures on the sly?

Any clues yet? Care to guess again?

Ladies and gentlemen... Let me introduce you to your future: Pen Computing!

It looks like the PC is going the way of the dodo, and even our laptops will soon be a redundant anachronism.

With the advent of Bluetooth technology, this is the computer that you will carry in your pocket.

These pens that you can carry in your pocket or purse will replace the laptop or notebook computer used by millions today. All that's required will be a flat surface where the screen and keyboard can be displayed by these pens.

Naturally, with a smartphone attachment, one can have a full-functioned computer in a compact space that can be easily carried anywhere.

Nissan Wins

2011-06-12T11:11:00.000-07:00

Tenjooberrymuds

2011-06-09T21:29:00.000-07:00

This is so sad, but true. By the time you finish reading this entire piece, you will understand exactly what is meant by 'tenjooberrymuds.'

In recent years, with ever increasing immigration into North America, (both legal and illegal), we've had to adapt to the NEW English language. Phoning for assistance on software issues with our computers, internet service providers, cell phone malfunctions and other daily hassles invariably leads to a connection with a foreigner who likely thinks he/she has a good grasp of the English language... because he/she knows what they are saying, and you are just too stupid to understand their great English phrasing.

The following is a phone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and the room-service operator in any US or Canadian city...

Room Service: "Morrin Roon sirbees."

Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

RS: "Rye, Roon sirbees! Morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen?"

G: "Uh, yeah. I'd like to order bacon and eggs."

RS: "Ow July den?"

G: "...What?"

RS: "Ow July den?!? ... Pried, boyud, poochd?"

G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled, please."

RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS: "Hokay. An sahn toes?"

G: "What?"

RS: "An toes. July sahn toes?"

G: "I... don't think so."

RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I just don't know what 'Judo wan sahn toes' means."

RS: "Toes. Toes! .. Why Joo don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

G: "Oh, English muffin! I got it... you were saying 'toast'... Fine, yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bodder?"

G: "No, just put the bodder on the side."

RS: "Wad?!"

G: "I meant butter... Just put the butter on the side, please."

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Excuse me?"

RS: "Copy... tea... meel?"

G: "Yes. Coffee, please. And that's everything."

RS: "One minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy... Rye?"

G: "Whatever you say."

RS: "Tenjooberrymuds."

G: "You're welcome."

IKEA Canada's New Car

2011-06-06T21:45:00.000-07:00

Friday Pix

2011-06-03T15:49:00.000-07:00

Illusions 10

2011-06-03T15:41:00.000-07:00

Can you see the figures in Einstein's face?

Is the mask one or two people?

The rose does indeed contain life

Old Mona has quite a lot of company

A lot is shown in the woman's face

Ram vs. Ram

2011-05-31T19:42:00.000-07:00

Water, Water Everywhere

2011-05-31T16:31:00.000-07:00

*Water weighs 0.022% of the Earth's total weight.

*The weight of all the water in the sea is 1.2 quintillion (12 followed by 17 zeroes) tons.

*Earth contains 350 million cubic miles of seawater, which contain 150 tons of minerals for each cubic mile.

*Ocean waters cover 70.92%, or 139,670,000 sq. miles of the Earth's total surface.

*Melt all the ice in the world, some 23 million cubic kilometres in all, and the oceans would rise 1.7%, or about 180 feet, so that in New York city the first 20 floors of the Empire State Building would be under water.

*All the oceans of the world would provide about 100 billion gallons of water for every person on earth if divided up equally.

*One mathematician has calculated that if Columbus had spilled a glass of water into the sea (Oh, OK... he started with the premise that Columbus took a leak into the sea), back in 1492- and if that glass of water was now thoroughly mixed in all the oceans of the world- then "Every glass of water drawn from any faucet on earth would contain as many as 250 molecules from the original water that Columbus had spilled back in 1492." Keep in mind that a single drop of water contains 1,700,000,000,000,000,000 (1.7 quintillion) molecules.

*There is enough salt in the oceans to cover all the continents with a layer 500 feet thick. Generally, the ocean has a salinity of about 35 parts per 1,000; however, a famous "hole" in the Red Sea, 6,000 feet deep, has a salinity of 270 parts per 1,000.

*About nine million tons of gold are dissolved in the oceans, some 180 times as much gold as has been mined so far in earth's history.

*Besides Hydrogen and Oxygen, there are 44 elements in sea water.

*Ocean water is bluest where there is the least amount of sea life.

*Water doesn't become more buoyant as it gets deeper; shallow water has the same buoyancy.

*Ocean water temperature can vary from a low of 28.5 degrees Fahrenheit in the White Sea to 96 degrees Fahrenheit in shallow portions of the Persian Gulf.

*Water temperature is some 20 degrees colder only a few feet away from the Gulf Stream where it meets the Labrador Current off Newfoundland.

*Every year over 16,000 icebergs form in the Arctic.

*The Amazon pushes so much water into the Atlantic Ocean that the seawater 100 miles from its entrance is fresh, not salty. One-fifth of all the running water on Earth pours out of the mouth of the Amazon into the ocean.

*A 155-pound man carries about 16.5 quarts of salt water in his body. Some three quarts of this is plasma, the straw-colored watery part of blood, flowing through the veins, arteries and capillaries. The remainder is mostly interstitial fluid in the spaces between cells.

Truly wonderful stuff is water.

Poster Time

2011-05-31T00:07:00.000-07:00

R.I.P. Sweet Road Runner!

2011-05-29T21:26:00.000-07:00

WARNING! Graphic Language Advisory

If You Can Read This...

2011-05-29T21:08:00.000-07:00

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

Semper Fi!

2011-05-27T15:43:00.000-07:00

AUGUSTA, Ga. A U.S. Marine reservist collecting toys for children was stabbed when he helped stop a suspected shoplifter outside an eastern Georgia Best Buy.

The store’s sales manager, Orvin Smith, told The Augusta Chronicle that a man was seen on surveillance cameras Friday putting a laptop under his jacket at the Augusta store.

When confronted, the man became irate, knocked down an employee, pulled a knife and ran toward the door. Outside were four Marines collecting toys for the service branch’s “Toys For Tots” program.

Smith said the Marines stopped the man, but he stabbed one of them, Cpl. Phillip Duggan, in the back. The cut did not appear to be severe.

The suspect, whose name was not released, was held until police arrived. The Richmond County sheriff’s office said it is investigating.

While the unsubstantiated portion of this email which I received is quite sensational, and yet to be proven- we commend the Marines for putting themselves at risk here at home, just as they do overseas. Semper Fi!, Marines!

-warning- Unsubstantiated information…
“The suspect was transported to the local hospital with two broken arms, a broken leg, possible broken ribs, multiple contusions and assorted lacerations including a broken nose and jaw…. Injuries he sustained when he fell trying to run after stabbing the Marine.”
-end unsubstantiated information.

Don't ya just want this to be totally TRUE?

Memorial Day

2011-05-26T08:47:00.000-07:00

Truck Art From Germany

2011-05-24T23:01:00.000-07:00

Likely illegal on North American roads

Wonder if the fish swim around

Following drivers think the bottle is sticking outside the truck trailer

Some pretty heavy books on a shelf

Hot sauce must have been really, really hot

Pretty big tote bag

Pepsi is lighter than air

Now that I'm Retired...

2011-05-23T16:24:00.000-07:00

Make sure your speakers are on, sit back and enjoy!

Can Muslims Ever Be Good Americans?

2011-05-23T11:21:00.000-07:00

Theologically, no. Because a devout Muslim's allegiance is only to Allah, the moon god of Arabia.

Scripturally, no. Because his allegiance is only to the five pillars of Islam and the Qur'an (Koran).

Geographically, no. Because of his allegiance to Mecca, to which he turns in prayer five times a day.

Socially, no. A Muslim's devotion to Islam prevents him from making friends with Christians, Jews or any other "non-believer".

Politically, no. Because he must submit to the imams and mullahs (spiritual leaders), who teach annihilation of Israel, the Little Satan, and America, the Great satan.

Domestically, no. Devout Muslims are told that they are entitled to four wives, whom they have the right to beat and scourge if they disobey him. (Qur'an 4:34)

Religiously, no. Because no other religion is accepted by his god Allah, except Islam. (Qur'an 2:226)

Intellectually, no. Because Islam forbids adherence to the American Constitution, as it is based on Biblical principles which Islam believes to be corrupt.

Philosophically, no. Because Islam forbids freedom of religion and expression of any faith except Islam.

Democracy and Islam can not exist. Every Muslim government is either dictatorial or autocratic. The present conflagration in the middle east is not a movement to democracy, merely a shift to give the population the 'freedom' to elect the Muslim Brotherhood as ruling class. Just another form of dictatorship.

Spiritually, no. Americans declare "One nation under God" to be their founding principle, with a Christian God of love and forgiveness. The Muslim God is one of suppression and vengeance and there is no attribution of love to him in the Qur'an.

Just some thoughts to ponder, my friends.

It's Magic!

2011-05-23T10:55:00.000-07:00

Amish Hormones

2011-05-20T16:41:00.000-07:00

The Laws of Life

2011-05-20T15:41:00.000-07:00

Joe's Sage Cogitations
(i) No wonder the country is in such a mess - half the people are below median intelligence.
(ii) Many of us combine the wisdom of youth with the energy of old age.
(iii) There's a new manual out on how to be spontaneous.

Daniel's Doodle
Man who slings mud, loses ground.

Van Roy's Laws
(i) College is a fountain of knowledge where students come to drink.
(ii) Don't wear earmuffs in a land of rattlesnakes.
(iii) The man who invented the eraser had the human race pretty well sized up.

Mark Twain's Deep Thought
Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.

Hugo's Rules of Life
(i) Brute force, clumsiness, ignorance & superstition will always triumph over science, skill, knowledge and logic.
(ii) Keep your eye on the ball, your shoulder to the wheel, and your ear to the ground. Now, try to work in that position.
(iii) DO IT TOMORROW - you've made enough mistakes today.
(iv) Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
(v) If you can't be right, at least be careful.

Nancy's Earnest Belief
God did NOT create the world in seven days. He screwed around for six and then pulled an all-nighter.

Long's Note
Climate is what you expect. Weather is what you get.

Ah, High School GRAD Time (Down Memory Lane We Go)

2011-05-19T21:56:00.000-07:00

All in all, very tastefully done, I'm sure you'll agree.

Letterman's NASCAR TOP TEN

2011-05-16T16:31:00.000-07:00

David Letterman's TOP TEN REASONS why there are no black NASCAR drivers:

10. Have to sit upright while driving.
9.    Pistol won't stay under the front seat.
8.    Engine noise drowns out the rap music.
7.    Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants at the same time.
6. They keep trying to carjack Dale Jr.
5.   Police cars on track interfere with the race.
4. No passenger seat for the ho.
3.   No Cadillacs approved for competition.
2. Not allowed to wear helmet sideways.
And the NUMBER ONE REASON WHY THERE ARE NO BLACK NASCAR DRIVERS:-
1. When they crash their cars, they bail out and run.

Any bets the NAACP will want to speak with him soon?

Poster Time

2011-05-15T22:46:00.000-07:00

Gatorade? HAH!

2011-05-15T22:07:00.000-07:00

Flying Arab Air?

2011-05-13T14:43:00.000-07:00

This happened over two years ago, and it's still a secret.

The brand spanking new Airbus 340-600, the largest passenger airplane ever built, sat in its hangar in Toulouse , France without a single hour of airtime. Enter the Arab flight crew of Abu Dhabi Aircraft Technologies (ADAT) to conduct pre-delivery tests on the ground, such as engine run-ups, prior to delivery to Etihad Airways in Abu Dhabi .

The ADAT crew taxied the A340-600 to the run-up area. Then they took all four engines to takeoff power with a virtually empty aircraft. Not having fully read the run-up manuals, they had no clue just how light an empty A340-600 really is.

The takeoff warning horn was blaring away in the cockpit because they had all 4 engines at full power. The aircraft computers thought they were trying to take off but the aircraft had not been configured properly (flaps/slats, etc.) Then one of the ADAT crew decided to pull the circuit breaker on the Ground Proximity Sensor to silence the alarm.

This fooled the aircraft into thinking it was in the air.

The computers automatically released all the brakes and set the aircraft rocketing forward. The ADAT crew had no idea that this is a safety feature so that pilots can't land with the brakes on.

Not one member of the seven-man Arab crew was bright enough to throttle back the engines from their max power setting, so the $200 million brand-new aircraft crashed into a blast barrier, totalling it.

The extent of injuries to the crew is unknown for there has been a news blackout in the major media in France and elsewhere. Coverage of the story was deemed insulting to Muslim Arabs. Photos are starting to leak out.

Texas Rat Snake

2011-05-11T22:52:00.000-07:00

This video comes from Dallas, Texas, and shows us how animals often steal the show from newscasters. Listen to the sounds the newsman makes when the little critter...

Animator vs. Animation

2011-05-09T21:42:00.000-07:00

Just click "PLAY" on the following link and sit back...
(You will have to cut & paste the link into your browser's address bar)

http://fc01.deviantart.com/fs13/f/2007/077/2/e/Animator_vs__Animation_by_alanbecker.swf

Brazilian Waiter

2011-05-08T20:59:00.000-07:00

Happy Mothers' Day

Patriotic Microchip

2011-05-08T12:39:00.000-07:00

This excellent device is intended to be planted in terrorists.

The implant has been specifically designed to be implanted in the forehead.

When properly implanted, it allows the implantee to speak with God.

It comes in a variety of sizes:

The exact size of the implant will be selected by well-trained and highly-skilled technicians.

The implant may or may not be painless. Side effects, such as nausea and headache, are temporary. Some bleeding and swelling may occur at the injection site.

Enjoy your security provided by your US Seals.

Ooooops!

2011-05-06T23:54:00.000-07:00

Beautiful China

2011-05-04T16:05:00.000-07:00

Bin Laden - Not Dead Yet

2011-05-01T22:33:00.000-07:00

Obama's Wry Sense of Humor

2011-04-29T08:09:00.000-07:00

U.K. L. Lee?

Why not B.A.N. Joe, or would that be too racist?

The Laws of Life

2011-04-27T10:05:00.000-07:00

Creamer's Conclusion
When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

Russ's Chauvinistic Observation
Even if you understood women, you'd never believe it.

The Bicycle Laws
Twenty-pound bicycles need a twenty-pound lock and chain.
Forty-pound bicycles need a ten-pound lock and chain.
Sixty-pound bicycles need no lock and chain.

Sandra Litoff's Husband Rule
The only thing worse than a husband who never notices what you cook or what you wear is a husband who always notices what you cook or what you wear.

Primary Poker Precept
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

The Old Carpenter's Rule
Cut to fit; beat into place.

Traveler's Tragic Lament
Why is it that you arrive in Cedar Falls and your luggage arrives in Honolulu, but never the other way around?

Archimedes G. Bell's Astute Observation
When a body is immersed in water - the telephone will ring.

Levy's Rumination
Re-marriage after divorce is the triumph of hope over experience.

Petty's Pointed Philosophy
Many "get rich quick" schemes make millionaires - out of multi-millionaires.

Defalque's Observations
Frequent naps will keep you from getting old - especially when taken while driving.
Speak well of your enemies - remember it's you who made them.
A man must do many good things to prove that he's good, but needs to make only one mistake to prove that he's bad.
Too many foreign countries are living beyond our means.

More Magic Hexagrams

2011-04-25T17:30:00.000-07:00

Readers might return to our archives for the original 'Magic Hexagrams', published 4/5/11 before starting on these. In this very old hexagram problem, we are to place the numbers 1 through 12 at the vertices of the Star of David as shown below. Each number must appear in two separate rows when counted, so the sum of all the row sums is twice the sum of numbers 1 through 12, or 78 x 2 = 156. As there are 6 rows, we divide 156 by 6, to get the hexagram's magic constant of 26.

The great British puzzlist Henry Ernest Dudeney published 37 basic solutions in his 1926 'Modern Puzzles', but he missed 3 basic patterns. Together with their complements, this leaves a total of 80 different solutions.

I include 3 solutions for your edification, and leave it to you to come up with any of the remaining 77 solutions in this brain exercise.

Ms Popularity

2011-04-25T15:43:00.000-07:00

Japan's Devastating Earthquake

2011-04-25T09:09:00.000-07:00

I'm writing this because of a recent discussion with a friend about the tsunami and earthquake in Japan, and its causes. Although this item is quite brief, I hope it will serve to acquaint more people with the theories of plate tectonics and continental drift.

The earth's crust floats upon a sea of molten magma, a super-hot mixture of minerals in a very thick, fluid form. Every so often, we see this molten magma shoot upward through weak spots in the crust at places we know as volcanoes, and then the molten magma quickly solidifies as lava. But this is not the only place where this gel-like magma comes to the surface, as we will explain later.

There are a number of cracks in the earth's solid crust, so it exists not as one piece, but a number of huge ones, known as plates. These plates are then floating atop the liquid magma, and are somewhat able to move, and grind against each other, and sometimes to butt up against neighboring plates and slide over these. In the diagram below, we see the names and locations of the earth's major tectonic plates, as well as their inexorable slow movements atop the molten magma below the surface.

But to understand plate movements we must examine the few undersea ridges which are the chief agents of plate movements. There is a huge crack in the earth's crust under the Atlantic Ocean, which runs from north of Iceland for over twelve thousand miles to the Antarctic, known as the Mid-Atlantic Ridge. It is visible in the tectonic plate illustration above, as the solid line running North-South through the Atlantic Ocean.

This 12000 mile jagged crack, deep under the ocean, is a place where constant magma wells up from deep within the earth's core and forces its way through the crack in the earth's crust, forming mountains as it quickly solidifies. Looking at the diagram below, we can see how the molten magma roils to the surface and literally forces the plates apart at this point.

If we again glance at the first illustration, we can see that the constant upwelling at the Mid Atlantic Ridge forces the North American Plate westward while at the same time forcing the Eurasian Plate eastward; concurrently, the South American Plate forces its way westward while the African Plate moves eastward. This occurs over millions of years at the rate of some 5 cm/annum, meaning that the Atlantic Ocean is widening at this rate, so that these enormous tectonic plates are forced to collide with the huge Pacific Plate which is trapped between them on the other side of the world. This means that the Atlantic Ocean is becoming ever wider, while the Pacific Ocean narrows, more or less at the same rate.

Nothing in nature is quite so simple. The Mid-Atlantic Ridge is not the only source of plate movement, and if we examine the above illustration, we can see the other great Ridges and Rises, which exist mostly under the oceans of the world, and which all force the huge tectonic plates to move, jostle each other, and force plates to grind against their neighbors, and over-ride adjoining plates, forcing one plate under the other, to be melted back into magma.

So what happened in Japan, and why did it occur? The Japanese islands sit at the edge of two adjoining plates, which are unfortunately being forced into each other. Japan is not alone in this disastrous scenario, as it lies along the Pacific Ring of Fire, where earthquakes and volcanic eruptions are regular events. But the main Japanese island lies at the border of the Pacific Plate as it meets the Eurasian Plate, and we now know that the tremendous forces which the Ridges exert on the Pacific Plate actually moved the main Japanese island westward a distance of some ten feet! The actual movement of one plate subducting under another resulted in a Level 9 earthquake, one of the most devastating recorded.

One last point: Many people pooh-pooh the idea that undersea ridges have much of an influence on plate tectonics, stating that the Atlantic Ocean is vast, and the fact it is widening at such a slow rate (+/-5 cm per year) makes this fact insignificant. Considering the fact that my mother is 96 years old, we have to realize that in her lifetime the Atlantic has widened by almost 5 metres - and the Pacific has narrowed by almost that much. Over the centuries then, the actual movement of tectonic plates has been in kilometres, not centimetres, and whole islands, cities and ports have been consumed by the earth herself.

Friday Pix

2011-04-22T21:21:00.000-07:00

The Legend of Amen-Ra

2011-04-22T21:01:00.000-07:00

An ominous silence prevailed in the ship's dark hold where a packing crate was chained in place, separated from others. Sometimes an echo of voices or laughter filtered down from far above, but mostly the dark hold remained as quiet as a tomb.

As the huge vessel surged through the waters, her course was marked eagerly by the world. Her 2,207 passengers were collectively worth 250 million dollars and included names known everywhere.

She was a historic ship, a ship whose construction and launching had received maximum publicity, a ship so fine and luxurious that her passenger list was the most sought-after of her day.

But none of the passengers, nor those envying them on shore, had the slightest knowledge of the thing in the hold. To all appearances, the thing looked harmless enough - a long dark crate chained to the hull so it would not slide, alongside hundreds of similar crates nearby containing priceless books, china, and other cargo. But the long, dark crate contained the mummy of the Princess Amen-Ra, who had lived 1,500 years before the Christian Era. Her life had been a striking contrast between beauty and cruelty: on her orders, more than 100 men had been sold into slavery or impaled. After her death by stabbing at the hands of a rejected suitor, the princess's evil lived on as a curse to those who followed.

In 1895, four Englishmen excavating along the Nile had discovered the mummy-case containing Princess Amen-Ra's remains. The men cast lots for the rare find; that evening the winner went for a stroll in the desert and was never seen again.

While the mummy case waited in the hotel, one of the remaining three men got into a fight in the bar and was shot so badly that his arm had to be amputated. Stunned by their bad luck, his companions returned to England, taking their treasure with them. More bad luck awaited them there, as one man soon lost all of his fortune while the last lost his health and job, eventually becoming a London street beggar.

At this point, the mummy was sold off to a London merchant who soon regretted his purchase. First, three of the merchant's family were severely injured in an accident, then his mansion was gutted by fire and totally destroyed. Wisely, the merchant decided to cut his losses and donated the mummy to the British Museum. Officials were delighted - for a short while. The wagon dispatching the mummy in its case to the Museum overturned, crushing a man on the sidewalk. Then, as two museum workers carried the case up the museum steps, one fell and broke his leg; the other, who lugged the case up the remaining steps alone, died two days later of a respiratory infection.

The unearthly princess was appropriately installed in the Egyptian Room, but she refused to rest. Carefully placed relics in the room were mysteriously hurled about at night, and many priceless artifacts were broken beyond repair. Strange sounds - a desperate hammering and an eerie wail - came from the ancient mummy case. One night a museum guard passed near the mummy case, and in the semi-darkness "something sprang at him." The terrified man claimed that the "thing" attempted to throw him from the top of the steep 50-foot delivery chute. A fellow guard, laughing at him, said he must have been drunk. "I'll show you how afraid I am of her wicked Majesty," he scoffed, flicking his duster over the case. Within two days his infant son sickened and died.

At this point, museum authorities decided they must remove the relic if they hoped to retain their staff, but their own employees all refused to carry the box and its contents to the museum basement storage vaults. Outside staff were hired to do the task, at double pay. One of these workers became seriously ill, while the official who supervised the move was found dead, slumped over his desk, a few days later.

As the grim legend grew, Princess Amen-Ra remained exiled in the shadows of the museum basement. "Let me down there to photograph the coffin," a young photographer requested. He was given permission. Upon developing the film, he made a horrifying discovery. Instead of the painted death mask on the coffin, there appeared on film a face, "incredibly awful" yet human. The photographer returned to his room and shot himself.

Hearing about the unwanted treasure, a private collector became interested and discounted the history of tragedy. He owned dozens of ancient Egyptian relics in his fine collection, and none had given him trouble.

"The curses written in inscriptions on the sides of the mummy case were meant to frighten away tomb thieves," he insisted. "Royalty in ancient Egypt believed they would enjoy no life in the hereafter if their bodies, tombs and coffins were desecrated."

But soon after obtaining the mummy, his troubles began. A succession of illnesses, financial reversals and strange losses plagued him. At the urging of his family, he stored the coffin in his attic, and it was there when the famed Russian medium, Madame Helena Blavatsky, visited his home one evening. As she entered the front door, she paled.

"There is a horrible evil spirit here!" she exclaimed. Describing his collection, her host led her to the attic where she saw the mummy case. "Exorcize this evil spirit for me," he demanded, but she shook her head. "Evil such as this is evil forever. It can not be done. I implore you to get rid of this evil thing as soon as possible."

Not completely convinced, the collector held on to his treasure for some weeks until one day his wife, taking articles to the attic, was frightened out of her wits. "It was horrible," she recollected. "A figure rose from that case and glided over the floor." Apparently she had seen what the museum workers had seen - an emanation of the spirit of the dead princess. Her husband now offered the treasure as a gift to the British Government but found to his amazement that its evil reputation had preceded it: no one would have it.

"It's no secret that over twenty people who owned or handled this casket either died or came to serious misfortune within a short time," an official said.

And the curse was far from over. One day a visiting American archeologist heard of the infamous artifact and decided to acquire it for a museum in the United States. Reminded of the 'Mummy's Curse', he shrugged it off. "Purely coincidence and circumstance!"

He obtained the mummy case, and arrangements were finalized to transport it by steamship to New York, in the United States. So it was that on April 14, 1912, the Princess Amen-Ra was quietly placed in the hold of a great luxury ship, her name freshly inscribed on her hull: TITANIC.

Best Ad of the Decade

2011-04-20T15:32:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while, some ad agency whiz comes up with a truly inspirational TV ad which is sheer genius. Verizon has hit a home run with this one, as dad leaves a Verizon smartphone with his daughter Susie with the comment that she can use it because it has a calculator.

When he comes home that afternoon, he's puzzled to find a kid waiting at her lemonade stand and asks "Where's Susie?", only to be asked, "Is she expecting you?" The dumfounded dad looks at Susie's secretary and the kid just raises his eyebrows. Meanwhile, Susie is standing in front of Suzie's Headquarters downtown in a business suit...

Airline Humor IV

2011-04-18T20:15:00.000-07:00

The following exchange apparently occurred in 2006 at Dallas International Airport when the air traffic controllers felt the incoming flights of two jets from the middle east had both insisted on landing right away instead of maintaining a holding pattern. The exchanges went something like this:

Dallas ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 911 - You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."

Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. May Allah be praised!"

Dallas ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 - You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. Allahu Akbar!"

Pause... Static. The two incoming aircraft talk to each other in Arabic.

Saudi Air: "DALLAS ATC!! DALLAS ATC!!"

Dallas ATC: "Go ahead, Saudi Air 911?"

Saudi Air: (Frantic) "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR PLANES TO LAND SAME RUNWAY - REPEAT SAME RUNWAY- GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE!!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!"

Dallas ATC: "Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now, and tell Allah 'Howdy' for us - ya hear?"

Aquacar

2011-04-18T06:30:00.000-07:00

The Laws of Life

2011-04-18T04:30:00.000-07:00

Few people can doubt that human life is ruled by inexorable forces and immutable laws, over most of which we mere mortals have little or no control. As an example, let's consider the following rules, laws and axioms:

Forfar's Factoid
When you are right, no one remembers. When you are wrong, no one forgets.

Down's Deduction
Family reunions are all relative.

Samuel's Segacity
A cosigner is the man in the next cell.

Gerken's First Observation
Mirrors are twice as good as windows - you only have to clean one side to see clearly.

Gerken's Second Observation
How can you tell if somebody's trying if they never succeed?

Housewife's Lament
Keeping a house clean is like stringing beads when there is no knot at the end of the thread.

Anthony's Law of Force
Don't force it; get a larger hammer.

Pickett's Postulate
The person who snores loudest will fall asleep first.

Terman's Law of Innovation
If you want the track team to win the high jump, find one person who can jump seven feet, not seven people who can jump one foot.

The Borgia Family's Bylaw
It is better to be hated than to be ignored.

Bill's Pill for all Ills
Although living to a ripe old age may not guarantee health, wealth and happiness, it certainly beats the alternative.

Weinberg's Corollary
An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping to the grand fallacy.

Illusions 9

2011-04-16T12:31:00.000-07:00

More From Sam Loyd

2011-04-15T19:14:00.000-07:00

Here are three more excellent puzzles, taken from Martin Gardner's "More Mathematical Puzzles of Sam Loyd", showing the genius of America's greatest puzzlist of all time.

Beppo, the court jester, is explaining to King Ptolemy how he can mark off the trapezium into 5 parts that can be used for 6 wonderful puzzles. Trace the trapezium onto a sheet of cardboard or heavy paper, cut out the five pieces, then see if you can put them together to form:

1. A square

2. A Greek Cross

3. A diamond shape

4. A rectangle

5. A right-angled triangle

6. The original trapezium

The five other figures to be formed are shown in small silhouettes so that you can see how they are shaped. All five pieces must be utilized in producing each of the 6 patterns.

How many triangles are there on King Solomon's Seal?
Little Tommy Riddles announces that King Puzzlepate and Princess Enigma are investigating the secrets of the famous seal of King Solomon, which is engraved on the royal tomb. The King is trying to figure out just how many different equilateral triangles can be found on the design. What is your guess?

How far does the courier travel?
An ancient problem, to be found in many old puzzle books, concerns an army fifty miles long. As the army marches forward at a constant rate, a courier starts at the rear of the column, rides forward to deliver a message to the front, then returns to his position at the rear. He arrives back exactly at the time that the army completed an advance of fifty miles. How far altogether did the courier travel?

If the army were stationary, he would clearly have to travel 50 miles forward and the same distance back. But because the army is on the march, he must go more than 50 miles to the front, and on his return trip he will go less than 50 miles because the rear of the army column is advancing toward him. It is assumed, of course, that the courier always rides at a constant speed.

A more difficult puzzle is created by the following extension of the theme. An army in a square column, fifty miles long by fifty miles wide, advances fifty miles at a constant rate while a courier on horseback makes a complete circuit around the entire column from a position in the middle at the rear, and back to his starting point. The courier's speed is constant, and he completes his circuit just as the army completes its advance. How far does the courier travel?

Readers who wish to post their solutions to any/all of these excellent puzzles are invited to do so in the comment section below.

Friday Pix

2011-04-15T15:40:00.000-07:00

Move Yer Hand!

Better Luck Next Time

Dollar FAIL

Feeding Time at Home

Russki Oligarch

Car Chase Shock

2011-04-13T11:39:00.000-07:00

Royal Wedding Happy Meal

2011-04-12T19:28:00.000-07:00

UP With English!

2011-04-12T18:35:00.000-07:00

There is a common, two-letter word that probably has more meanings than any other English two-letter word: UP.

Now, it's easy to understand UP, meaning towards the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are officers UP for election, and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends and we use paint to brighten UP a room; we polish UP the silver. We warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and sometimes fix UP an old car. At other times, this little word has real special meaning: people stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite. To think UP reasons to dress is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

This form of UP is a little confusing: a drain must be opened UP whenever it becomes clogged UP, and a store must be opened UP in the morning, only to be closed UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, you should start by looking the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost a quarter of the page, and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP, but when the sun emerges we say it is clearing UP. When it actually rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP, yet when it doesn't rain for a long time, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP before you get totally fed UP and tell me to shut UP. But let's be honest: what is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing at night? U P.